Diary of an Undercover Sue
by Hirilnara
Summary: An ISPCE spin off, based on a new theory that fangirls are not created as a story is posted, but that they are being trained in some school. Watch what happens when one poor agent gets sent in undercover!
1. The Cost of Careless Talk

Whilst waiting for Huinesoron to update with the battle, I'm afraid my imagination ran away with me. This is the result  
  
Disclaimer - ISPCE is being used with the kind permission of Huinesoron, Liliac with the permission of herself, Elizabeth is mine and I can therefore submit her to anything I wish (mwahahahah!). The concept of the Training Academy of Mary Sues is mine as far as I am aware, but if you already have had this idea tell me and I'll change this story.  
  
Diary of an Undercover Sue  
  
Chapter 1 - The Cost of Careless Talk  
  
Piece of free advice, direct from me to you. NEVER ever compare your boss's hair to a rodent, no matter how innocently! It leads to misery and humiliation and in my case, being stuck on some faux marble doorstep listening to a doorbell that sounds remarkably like a cheesy pop song whilst wearing a dress 5 sizes smaller that I naturally am and lower cut than I would ever consider! And don't even get me started with the hair!!! I don't even look like me anymore! And . . . I've just realised you have no idea what I normally look like, because I haven't introduced myself. It's the stress. THIS was definitely NOT in the job description!  
  
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My name is Elizabeth Cottis, but everyone I know calls me Lizzie. I work for ISPCE, in the Theories Department. It's new, it's relatively unheard of, and it's the perfect job! All I have to do all day is think of dangers to elves, theorise on how to stop them, and write it all up in a nice double typed duplicate report, one of which gets sent to research and the other gets filed away. The next day I start all over again. Perfect excuse to spend my day daydreaming and I get paid for it!  
  
So anyway, this story starts with a report I wrote. I was studying the problem of Mary Sues, and all of the research examining the trends. Now, even allowing for the fact that Mary Sues are normally written by adolescent hormone driven teenage girls, the types of Mary Sues, their behaviour and the like, were all remarkably uniform. Now, I'm sitting here staring at the walls (lovely marble effect, swirls and streaks, really unlocks your mind) when a sudden thought struck me. What if Mary Sues, instead of being individually created each time a fanfic was written, were being held somewhere in reserve, trained for the day when they could take the role of the "heroine" in one of the many atrocities posted across the web? Now, I know it's controversial and it goes against all the accepted theories, but it presented me with a very easy report to write. Solution, find this holding base, infiltrate and destroy. No more Mary Sues! So I typed the theory up, photocopied it, sent one off to research, filed the other, and forgot about it.  
  
A couple of weeks later, I'm in my office, wrestling with the idea of how to protect elves from mythical creatures without harming the beastie, when I get a knock on my door. It's Liliac. My heart stops. Liliac doesn't like me. This goes back to the time when I was talking with a new trainee about a pet guinea pig I had, called Scruffy, and I was trying to describe its fur. I was just saying it was a chocolate and caramel colour, just like Liliac's hair, when the boss herself walks in. "What's just like my hair?" She asks. "Her old guinea pig, Scruffy" pipes up this trainee. Well, you can imagine! I tried to explain it was all a mistake, but I was a marked woman. Mess with the hair and you might as well jump under the nearest bus. It would certainly be less painful.  
  
But I'm getting off the point. Liliac's standing in my doorway, smiling at me. Not a good sign. The only good thing I can see is she's in her Head of assignments robe, not her MEAPS. This means I don't have pet clean up duty. "A moment of your time, Lizzie?" she asks. I nod, and she comes into the office and sits down. "It's about this report, on some sort of Sue reserve" she starts, and I actually start to relax. 'It's ok, it's all about work, and I'm safe' I think. Idiot! "Research were really interested in your idea, and they've been scanning all the fan fiction linked dimensions for high concentrations of Sues." She continues. "Well, they've found somewhere. From the reports they've got back, it's some sort of training academy, filled with fangirls who want to go to Middle Earth. Varda only knows how they've managed to get away with this so long! But it's there, and something needs to be done about it!" Her grin widens, and I get a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. All is not good.  
  
"Well, how can I help you? All of my suggestions were in the report" my mind races, trying to think of what it could be that she has planned for me. "Well, as you said, we need someone to infiltrate this academy." She stares at me. I stare back. Then I realise what she's thinking.  
  
"You cannot be serious!" I shriek, jumping up from my chair. Then, realising that I don't want to upset Liliac if I want to remain untoasted (With Smaug and the Balrog as her new pets, it's a very likely scenario), I add "ma'am, I'm honoured you'd consider me, but there's no way I'm suited for this mission." I do have a point. I'm the furthest thing from a Mary Sue you can imagine. I'm short, I'm definitely on the plump side, and my hair is short, spiky and mousy brown. Plus I wear glasses. And I can't sing. But Liliac takes all this in with a wave of her hand. "No problem. Tech has developed a Sueifier. You'll be perfect for the job. I insist" She adds as I open my mouth to argue "As head of assignments."  
  
Well, I'm beaten. I can't argue with her. So, like a girl condemned, I follow her down the corridors to Tech. I step inside the machine, and sit down. Lights start to flash, parts start to whir, and my head starts to spin. Then, the door opens, and the Tech assistant holds up a mirror. I literally scream! I make Barbie look realistic! I have a pencil thin waste, massively MASSIVE breasts and ankle length flowing blonde hair, which is pretty impressive considering my legs have almost doubled in length. I swear I can hear Liliac sniggering in the background. "I think we should tone it down a little. She's meant to be a fangirl first of all, so she wouldn't be that . . . beautiful" she stresses the word. "And we don't want them to send her on a mission now do we?" So I'm shut in the awful machine again. This time when it's finished I'm slightly less Barbie-fied. My hair is only shoulder length, but now it's burgundy. My waist is still tiny, but not as ridiculously so. The breasts are smaller, thank god, and the legs are slightly less impossible. Liliac looks me up and down. "Perfect!" she grins.  
  
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And that is how I come to be standing here in front of the Training Academy of Mary Sues, bag in hand. My mission, whether I choose to accept it or not, is to infiltrate and destroy this ghastly place. And, as Liliac put it 'Without breaking my new nails!' Why me?  
  
(A/N) Firstly, an apology to Liliac. The hair is beautiful, I truly do love the hair, but I needed a reason for you to have a grudge against Lizzie, and it worked.  
  
To everyone else, what do you think? Worth continuing? Can you face the workings of the inner mind of Mary Sues? Review and let me know! 


	2. The Art of Eyelash Fluttering

Wow, people like! Seeing as I have been asked to continue, I will. I'm actually very glad no one told me to stop, as LOADS of ideas have rushed in to fill the pancake less void my imagination has become.  
  
Huinesoron- yes, a spin off of a spin off, but strangely almost original.  
  
Elura- Ok will do, glad you liked it  
  
The Fiend Maker Vendetta- Do you think you could point me in the direction of the previous academy so I can make this one different? And I really wasn't looking for an excuse to stop.  
  
Oracle- Thank you!  
  
Rylee Smith- Thank you, I will do!  
  
alocin- You have only just begun to imagine the horrors! Mwahaha!  
  
Disclaimer - ISPCE is being used with the kind permission of Huinesoron, Liliac with the permission of herself, Elizabeth is mine and I can therefore submit her to anything I wish (mwahahahah!). TAMS is mine, and I'm going to enjoy making it the most clichéd, fluffy, diabolical place that I can!  
  
Diary of an Undercover Sue  
  
Chapter 2 - The Art of Eyelash Fluttering  
  
So here I am, walking down the corridor of the academy, following the secretary (who looks remarkably like Lara Croft, except for the fact she has far too much make up and far too little material in her dress) and I already know this is going to be a nightmare. How you ask? Well, apart from the unspeakable horror of being surrounded by Sue wannabes all day, this building was obviously designed by a fangirl. The walls are "silvery-pink, with swirls of smoky fuchsia". I put the quotes, because I can see the words, a useful little skill I picked up from a friend in the PPC. I'm so busy trying to focus on the words instead of the reality of the colour scheme I don't notice when I get to the headmistresses door. "In you go dear" tinkles Lara Croft. So, being the good little trainee Sue, in I go.  
  
The headmistress gets up from behind her "magnificently ornate oakan desk" and walks round to shake my hand. I find it hard to keep a straight face. She looks EXACTLY like I did when Liliac first sueified me! Total Barbie clone! To try and save myself from a giggle attack I look around. I wish I hadn't. This room is "golden red, with dusky streaks, like a sunset over Rivendale". Not only does the colour scheme hurt my eyes, but it hurts to see Rivendell maimed by some Sue hand. The headmistress sees me looking round, and manages to mistake my horror for awe. "Ah, you're admiring my office. I wrote it myself you know."  
  
Doesn't surprise me. But I smile meekly and introduce myself as "Lisa Dovewhite". Liliac was aiming for something like Penelope or Gwendolyn, but I managed to convince her I was more likely to remember Lisa. Couldn't get rid of Dovewhite though. The headmistress is babbling on, and I really should be listening but my brain is rebelling. It can't cope with the miss spelt over description in the words of this room.  
  
"So dear, if we just fill in this form, we can get you to your dormitory, and your first class" the headmistress interrupts. I take the form and start to fill it in. Age, 18, race, human, gender (duh, I'm a trainee sue! This isn't a Marty Sam academy) Female, Lust object . . . I hesitate here, and then write down Gimli. Unfortunately the Barbie Clone is reading over my shoulder, and she shrieks "GIMLI!"  
  
"Just a joke" I give a weak smile, cross it through, and write Legolas instead. Barbie Clone is giving me very odd looks, so I finish the rest of the form as sensibly as I can. I resist writing "The Python, it's very Monty" under favourite god although it is so tempting. Just think, if I did she might explode, then my mission would be over and I could go home.  
  
I hand over the finished form and she scans it through. Don't know why she's bothering, she read most of it as I wrote it. But she smiles, and puts it on her "oakan" desk. "Thank you Lisa. Now if you'd like to follow me to the dorms?" I don't really want to, but I can't tell the Barbie Clone that. So I trudge (gracefully) up the stairs ("bluish silver") and into one of the rooms. This, at least, is a normal cream colour, although it's impossible to see the walls underneath the masses of Orlando Bloom and Elijah Wood posters. The room is completely empty. Barbie Clone looks at her watch "Dear me, you're a little late. Here's your timetable, and welcome to our academy" She glides out of the room, and I can't resist poking my tongue out behind her back. Then I look to see what wonderful class I have first. Charm school for beginners. Oh joy!  
  
Red faced, I burst through the lecture room door. About a hundred eyes turn to stare at me. I mumble an apology to the lecturer, and slink to and empty chair in the third row. The lecturer continues where she left off, something about "the optimum pout amount". The girl in the seat next to me looks almost normal. She has bobbed black hair and a freckly upturned nose. "Hi" she whispers "I'm Sally. What happened to you?"  
  
"Got lost" I whisper back. She nods knowingly "Couldn't bare to look at the walls either, huh?" I smile my first genuine smile all day, and I'm about the reply, when the lecturer calls out. "Ok girls, so now you know the basic charm techniques. Split into pairs, and practice your eyelash fluttering". I groan, and Sally rolls her eyes at me, and does an extremely exaggerated flutter. I giggle. At least there's one normal person apart from me in this place. I might even survive pouting lessons!  
  
(A/N) Hope this isn't too short. If anyone has any ideas for Sueish lessons or class mates, I'm listening. Not that I'm asking you to tell me any ;-) And remember "Worship the Python, its very Monty!" 


	3. Rivals and Friends

Wow, LOTS of lovely reviews!!! This makes a very happy Hirilnara, who is consequentially less likely to blow up her universities chemistry lab by not concentrating! So very good job to all who reviewed.  
  
However, I have an apology to make. When I started writing this, I assumed it would be read by people directed my way by Huinesoron, and I therefore took it for granted that people would know what ISPCE and MEAPS were. ISPCE is the Interdimensional Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Elves, and more about this can be found in Huinesoron's fanfic of this name (link on my bio page). MEAPS, the Middle Earth Animal Protection Society, is mentioned in Huinesoron's ISPCE story, but it also now has its own fanfic written by Liliac of the purple cloak (again, linked from my bio). I would highly recommend both stories (plus any others written by these two).  
  
Now, back to our main feature.  
  
Huinesoron - I'm glad you have to good taste to hate the cliché-ness and still love the writing. Lol, so modest aren't I?  
  
Liliac of the purple cloak - Monty Python is good . . . and Lizzie likes them :-P And I DO like some of your lesson ideas, if I run out I might use them.  
  
Fireblade K'Chona- A familiar face! Glad you like!  
  
lil angel/devil- Thank you. Will do  
  
Elura- I like your idea . . . I've borrowed it and tweaked it slightly, if that's ok with you?  
  
Tiri and Mary- Sorry about not explaining ISPCE and MEAPS. Hopefully the bit at the top clears this up. I am hoping you don't hate me, I'm nice really! Boy are you two funny!  
  
BigBlackDogStar- In that case I will treasure your review. Thank you very much! But no, I didn't steal, 'onest guvner! And whilst some of the sue- wannabes will be pretty much as you described, there will be some normal people here too. They are, after all, still only fangirls for the time being. And my story! Hands off!  
  
Akamu- Thank you for your sympathies, I'll pass them on to Lizzie as soon as she comes off the morphine. And thanks for the ideas!  
  
Hirotani- Thank's for the lesson ideas, I already planned for archery but they're all great! And I can imagine a chain like that, with Huinesoron and Liliac and myself all working together . . . the mind just boggles!  
  
Rylee Smith- Love the ideas! Sally is staying normal (for now).  
  
isilhen- LOL, I'll definitely go read your fic! Correspondence course ay? The explanation for Sally is in the following chapter. And the (very belated, sorry about that) explanation for ISPCE and MEAPS is up at the top.  
  
Disclaimer - ISPCE is being used with the kind permission of Huinesoron, Liliac with the permission of herself, Elizabeth is mine and I can therefore submit her to anything I wish (mwahahahah!). TAMS is mine, and I'm going to enjoy making it the most clichéd, fluffy, diabolical place that I can! The Sues are all mine, no matter how hard I try to lose them, so I'll be torturing them until I think of another plan!  
  
Diary of an Undercover Sue  
  
Chapter 3 - Rivals and Friends  
  
So, after the "fascinating" fluttering practice, I turn to the good old lecture procedure. Chatting to my potential friend. "I'm Lisa" I introduce myself "So what's a normal person like you doing in a place like this?" Unfortunately, before I get a reply, the lecturer calls up "Perhaps our latest arrival would care to demonstrate?" I look around wildly, and see her glaring at me. "Care to walk the walk . . . ?"  
  
"Lisa" I reply, as I slip out of my seat and walk to the front of the room. I have no idea what "walk" she is talking about, so I try the infamous Sue charm. "Could you go through it one more time, please?" She rolls her eyes, but starts to walk across the room, calling over her shoulder "light step, light step, roll your hips, light step". Oh. My. God! It's nearly impossible for me not to giggle, or to comment on the fact that you would never get anywhere in Middle Earth if you walked like that. Instead I take a deep breath, pray to Varda that by being sueified I'll be able to pull this off, and start to walk across the room. 'Light step, light step, light . . . no wait, roll . . . what the?' Obviously not. I manage, quite spectacularly might I add, to trip over my feet and land face first in front of the class. I'm greeted by a perfectly tuneful laugh. Looking up, I see her. The very epitome of a Mary Sue. Long silky golden tresses tumbling around her moonlight pale face and over her narrow, delicate shoulders. Her ruby lips and sapphire eyes are twisted into a very Un-sue like smirk.  
  
As the lecturer tells me I should "perhaps spend more time focusing on the class" I pick myself up and walk back to my seat, praying that I never have to come across this girl again.  
  
Forty minutes of fluttering, pouting and walking later, I'm walking to the next class, and finally getting a chance to talk to Sally. "My elder sister came here" she tells me "and my mother, being a bit of a socialite, was delighted at all of the "skills" she learnt, and decided I needed to come here too. Still, I won't complain if it means I get to meet Frodo . . ." she winks. I'm about to reply when someone laughs nastily behind us. 'Please not her, please not her' I pray as I look over my shoulder. It's her, the 'perfect' Sue.  
  
"How can you like that little midget? Legolas is the only one worth worrying about" she sneers. I can see Sally's about to get into an argument, so I tap her arm and shake my head. "Don't tell me you like Frodo too?" Miss perfect asks. I could tell her that the character of Frodo is one of the most interesting developed ones I have read in a long while. But I doubt she could handle that, so I simply reply. "No, I like Legolas" She nods, as if I needed her approval. "I'm Giritinuvielwen" she strikes a pose. I rather spoil the moment by bursting into laughter. "Giritinuvielwen!" I repeat. "Yes, it means 'Bejewelled Nightingale Woman" she says her smile slipping slightly.  
  
"It means Shuddering Nightingale Woman! Either someone doesn't know their Sindarin . . . the Elven language" I add as I see her confusion "or they really didn't like you". She doesn't take this too well, and storms off, throwing an evil look over her shoulder at me. I have to face the fact that I might just have made my first sue enemy  
  
At lunchtime we all file into the huge dining hall. I'm sitting next to Sally, when I hear someone laughing. It's a sound that's becoming familiar far too quickly. I spin around and see Miss perfect (or Giri as she's "affectionately" become to me and Sally) laughing at a girl with . . . interesting hair. It's beautifully long and shiny, but the colour is a mix of lilac and egg shell blue. Well, I've never liked bullies, I can't stand sues and I'm severely beginning to hate Giri. So I go across to where she's sitting.  
  
"Hi Giri." I grin. She scowls. "What do YOU want?" I put my hand on the new girls shoulder. Completely ignoring Giri, I ask her "Do you want to come and sit with us?" She smiles gratefully and turning my back on Giri and her crew, I lead her to where Sally's watching with a small grin.  
  
"So what have you done to upset old shuddering?" I ask. Seeing the new girl's confusion I add "Giri roughly translates as Shuddering. It's meant to be Miri, bejewelled. But Giri suits her more!" I explain. She laughs "I'll have to remember that. I suppose the only thing I've done is to be able to sing a bit" Sally leans across the table at this point and says "So it is you Nicole! I heard you in music class." Turning to me she says "And she sings beautifully. Giri was so jealous!"  
  
"So what happened to your hair?" I was trying not to mention it, but my curiosity is too strong. "I had permission to get it lengthened, because it was too short for some of the classes. I went to the Makeover department, but when I came out of the machine it was like this." She shrugs "they say someone must have messed with the machine . . ." "One guess" I mutter as I see Giri laughing with her tag along friends. "Exactly, but I can't prove it, and they can't fix it" Nicole looks down at her plate and sighs.  
  
"Well, if you're picked for a story, I'm sure they'll have to find a way to fix it then." Sally pats her back. I just glare at Giri. Yup, definitely don't like her!  
  
Finally it's time to return to the dorms. Well, actually, it's "Socialising time" but five minutes of watching Giri lording it over everyone was enough for me. I open the door, and walk in. Something moves in the shadows. Instinct kicks in and I bring my fists up to defend myself.  
  
"Ouch. Aren't you pleased to see me?" the shadow asks. I'd recognise that voice anywhere. "Dafydd!" I turn on the lights to see my friend from long back. "What are you doing here?!?!" He winces, and I remember, PPC agents are sensitive to excessive punctuation. "Sorry, I've just had Pronounce your Punctuation. I guess some of the stuff stuck."  
  
"Poor you. When Merrylyn told me you were here I felt bad and . . . well I bought you something to cheer you up." He looks around the room and shudders "And to stop you going insane"  
  
I laugh, and open up the box. I look inside and squeal "A mini balrog!" I carefully stroke his head. "He's so cute! Thank you" I smile at Dafydd.  
  
"His name is Legolasto...Eru knows where that came from." Dafydd looks down at him, and smiles, a rare sight reserved for all things fiery and a few close friends. As if he read my thoughts, he adds "Now, must dash, some Sue has decided there's a new city in Middle Earth called "Sparkly town" and it's just waiting to be burnt!" And he opens up his portal and is gone.  
  
I make a little bed out of the box for Legolasto, then lay down to think. Sure, I've made an enemy. But I've got friends, and my own mini. How bad can this get?  
  
(A/N) Obviously Lizzie hasn't heard of the law of Irony!  
  
Special guest star Dafydd belongs to Agent Dafydd of the PPC. His and his partner Selene's adventures can be found at www.freewebs.com/bonsaimallorn  
  
Legolasto, my mini balrog, is courtesy of Miss Camilla Sandman's school, OFUM, another brilliant read. In fact all of her stories are brilliant! She's listed under my favourite authors (I can't seem to get the link to work, sorry!) and if you'd like a mini, she's the person to ask!  
  
Hope this chapter was ok . . . You know how to tell me if it wasn't! 


	4. Lessons and Irony

Hi, here's more of Lizzie's adventures, sorry it took me a while.  
  
Liliac of the Purple Cloak- I am . . . And I thought you'd like the hair!  
  
Malfoyelf- Yay, another regular! I'm sorry I haven't updated the other one, will do as soon as Huinesoron does . . . shouldn't be too long down, I know he's written the Boromir version and the ISPCE one, so he only has pancakes to go. Join my campaign to constantly harass him until he updates ;-) And trust me, as much good as destroying the academy could do, it won't happen for a while yet (far too much mileage to get out of this story first) and I am afraid there will always be sues. And as fun as going to a realistic middle earth would be to write about for a real sue, Lizzie could handle that. She needs a real challenge . . . but that's all I will say for now!  
  
Hirotani- Longer chapters? EEK! Ok, I'll try . . . but it means all my ideas get used up at once! And OMG are you psychic? Look at what the first thing to happen in this chapter is! And Legolasto, whilst a grievous typo, is now an adorable mini balrog, and his name is cute. As is he. Random question will be answered soon.  
  
Fireblade K'Chona- "For every name spelt wrong in Rings, A Mini-Balrog gets its wings" a quote from OFUM, a story by Miss Cam (Camilla Sandman) and she's the one to ask!  
  
Rylee Smith- Thank you!  
  
KittyCatBlack- Thank you. Detailed sentences don't bother me too much, don't worry! Class idea's are coming in fast 'n' thick, so I have a lot of material. Continuing won't be a problem.  
  
Lil angel/devil- Thank you, I'm flattered!  
  
Tiri and Mary- that's good to know! LOL, I LOVE your reviews!  
  
Disclaimer - ISPCE is being used with the kind permission of Huinesoron, Liliac with the permission of herself, even though neither of them are in this chapter. Lizzie is mine and I can therefore submit her to anything I wish (mwahahahah!). TAMS is mine, and I'm going to enjoy making it the most clichéd, fluffy, diabolical place that I can! The Sues are all mine, no matter how hard I try to lose them, so I'll be torturing them until I think of another plan! The PPC is not mine, alas, but I'm only mentioning it.  
  
Diary of an Undercover Sue  
  
Chapter 4 - Lessons and Irony  
  
No sooner had I thought that immortal phrase 'How bad can this get?' when Ironic overpower snuck up and hit me over the head. The door opens and in walks Giri, complete with adoring followers. They each go to a bed, talking, giggling and generally not paying any attention to me sitting in the corner. Perhaps if I stay quiet . . . But no, Giri looks across and sees me. Her brow wrinkles into a very unbecoming frown. I tense up, ready for whatever nasty comment she's going to throw my way. But she doesn't. She ignores me completely. Her and her posse change into their pyjama's (silk naturally) and gather around Giri's bed. One of them, a sue of the "classical raven beauty" school, asks in a simpering little voice "Please tell us another ghost story Giritinuvielwen." I wonder how on earth she manages to say that without tying her tongue in knots. But Giri bows her head graciously and starts to talk. I take the opportunity to check on Legolasto. He's asleep bless him, probably dreaming of hunting fangirls.  
  
I'm about to follow his example and get some sleep myself when I hear Giri say something I'd never of expected from her. "It was the PPC!" Now, I never expected Giri to know about the PPC. So, curiosity piqued, I listen carefully.  
  
"And they chased this poor girl with an axe. When her parents went in her room the next morning her head was sitting on top of the computer monitor and in the story she had been working on was the message "You've been PPC'd!" her friends all gasp appropriately. I feel ill. That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard! I'm not going to sit here and listen to this fangirl disgrace the good name of the PPC. So I get out of my bed and tell them "That's not true!"  
  
Giri glares at me and says "Duh, it's just a story. Of course there's no such thing as the PPC . . ." I interrupt "Oh there is a PPC, but they're not a bunch of psychopaths. They are the Protectors of the Plot Continuum, and they stop people like you massacring Tolkien's masterpiece." She stares at me as if I've gone loopy. I don't care "They never go after the writers, no matter how annoying they are. They only hunt Mary Sues who muck up canon." And I leave them to whisper ("She's crazy!" "There's no such thing, is there Giri?") whilst I go back to sleep. Stupid fangirls.  
  
Next morning I wake up early and leave before the Giri squad open their eyes. I'm actually looking forward to one of my lessons. I've got archery, after keeping your identity. That one should be mildly amusing. I would love to know how you're meant to tell the difference between all of these "Tall raven beauties", the "curvaceous red heads" and the "willowy blondes". But archery! I love archery, ever since Dafydd let me muck around with his spare bow so I'd stop annoying him during his training session. I wanted to be a member of the PPC back then, and I was always at the headquarters following Dafydd around. I changed my mind about the PPC though. As awful as the sues were, I'm no killer. I was more suited to planning things, which is how I came to work in ISPCE. But I still love archery, even though I don't have time to practice any more. The class will actually be fun!  
  
Keeping your identity was a total wash out. Supposedly, it's all about the level of description you use. Just how golden is your hair? Are your eyes deep blue or mysterious blue? What a waste of time. But now Sally, Nicole and I are walking to archery. They're both as excited as I am about having a class that's actually useful. We walk in the door and look around. There's a cupboard with the bows in, and a stand of quivers. The room itself is a bit small and I can't see any targets, but the practical bit is probably outside. Everyone files in (unfortunately this includes Giri) and we sit down to wait for the teacher. I make a small bet with Sally that she'll be a brunette, tanned and muscled. Sally says athletic, moonlight skin and raven haired. She walks through the door a moment later. Brunette tanned and muscled. I wink at Sally, who pokes her tongue out at me. The teacher starts handing out quivers and bows. She tells us how to wear the quiver to avoid snagging our hair. She shows us the graceful way to stand (which is also highly impractical). She shows us the smooth fluid arm motion to draw an arrow from your quiver. Then she tells us to practice. I wave my hand in the air.  
  
"Yes dear?" she asks. "What about firing the arrows?" I ask, starting to panic. There's a few nods around the room from random sues. I'm glad I'm not the only one. The teacher laughs "There's no need for that. The authors always give their characters the skills they need." I can't believe this! "You're telling me we get sent into Middle Earth with no experience?" Giri laughs and says "How hard can it be?" I resist copying Sally and poking my tongue at her. Instead I reply "Not too hard, provided you hold the bow the right way up!" She blushes, and switches the bow the right way up. I look around for support "Surely the point of archery lessons is to learn how to use the bow? Mainly how to shoot the arrows. I mean, I can do it but . . . "  
  
"Sure you can" says Giri, rolling her eyes. In reply, I take an arrow from my quiver and say "name your target." She points out of the window at an apple hanging from a convenient tree. The teacher looks worried and says "This isn't a good idea, you're not meant to fire the bows!" But Sally opens the window for me and I aim, draw back the string and fire. The apple falls to the ground, neatly skewered. There's a round of applause from the Sues, and Giri scowls. "I can do that" she says, and she loads her bow. Before the teacher can repeat her misgivings, and before I can stop her, Giri fires. The arrow embeds itself in the window frame, a couple of inches from the teachers head. She looks like she's going to faint. She raises a shaky finger and points to the door. "Headmistresses office. Now!" But she's not looking at Giri. She's looking at me.  
  
No body in the class (except Giri) thought that was fair. Everybody argued that it wasn't my fault, and quite a few trainee sues said we should have been taught how to fire the bow in the first place. This gave me a brilliant idea. If I can get the sues to rebel against the stereotypical sue-ness that this school enforces, my mission might succeed. With the academy being forced to teach sensible, canonical practices, sues would no longer be a risk to elves. All I have to do is stir up a rebellion. Only trouble is, every time I do I'll probably have to go into the headmistress's office, and see the miss spelt words. The things I do for Tolkien!  
  
(A/N) The PPC IS real. Proof can be through Camilla Sandman's bio page (curse fanfiction.net for not letting me put the link!) which I recommend. I read a lot, I like the stuff I read, and I recommend it to anyone who will listen. You might have noticed. 


	5. A Peaceful Interlude

OMG! This story is doing better than I ever dreamed! THANK YOU everyone who reviewed! I'll let you in on a little secret . . . my computer died on me recently and I was DEVASTATED!!! Then I was able to get it fixed really easily and I got LOADS of wonderful reviews, and I'm really hyper and happy today and I'm really losing the plot . . . (deep breath) OK, you're here to read the story, so I will get on with it.  
  
Huinesoron- Legolasto is being well fed don't you worry! And I didn't want the laws to let Lizzie be, wouldn't be as much fun then ;-) And I know the PPC are wonderful people, but if you want to come after Giri with an extremely large axe I'm afraid I can't allow it (But funnily enough, I have suddenly become fascinated with staring into space and whistling loudly, so if Someone was to sneak in, I'd never know ;-) )  
  
Liliac of the purple cloak- thank you. Stop being awkward, I'm getting there. I can't put EVERYTHING into one chapter you know!  
  
Fireblade K'Chona- Good good, let me know when you get your mini. And I'm glad you still love it!  
  
Hirotani- Uh huh, poor Lizzie, but it's a sacrifice she's willing to make in the line of duty. Willing might not *quite* be the word, but she doesn't have a choice. Fencing is a good idea, but not one I'm sure I could do justice to. So it's *sort of* included.  
  
KittyCatBlack- lol, thank heavens for passing trucks! Thank you, I will do!  
  
Isilhen- LOL, I'm not the person to ask hun, Camilla Sandman (she's one of my favourite authors) is in charge of the mini adoption scheme. And as for the Dafydd question . . . the link in chapter 3 (if it works) is to the adventures of Dafydd and Selene. Under the fan art section there is a picture of him.  
  
Mariantia Susanne- Mary sue, hello! I'm sorry to see you won't read more, but I had better reply to you just in case. It pains me to argue with you but I have but three points to make. 1) It's called fiction, as in, I KNOW it doesn't really exist, outside my head, but since it is my creation, it can be however I want. 2) The day I create a fic solely about you is the day the world stops spinning (and consequently ends) and 3) If you haven't attended the academy, How, pray tell, do you know about the animal care class? I haven't written about that one yet my dear! You let yourself down there, I think ;-). (Explanation to anyone else who reads this; Mariantia Susanne is the main character of a fanfic written by Isilhen. You should really go read it if you like MSB, because it's really funny! Anyway, she seems to have taken against me (the Mary sue, not Isilhen) and I find it quite hilarious!)  
  
Alocin- would advise against poking the balrog, he won't bite (unless you're an extreme fangirl) but it's painful. Stroking whilst wearing oven gloves is a good bet, he likes that. Thank you for the ideas and thank you for your support!  
  
Elura- she can't die just yet, unfortunately, as Lizzie needs to suffer at the academy a bit more first. Don't you worry, as long as you do review I'm happy, and thank you for the permission to use your ideas!  
  
Phaidra- yes, crazy sues. Perhaps Lizzie's plan to canonise the academy will work though. Stranger things have happened! Thank you for the compliments, makes me all glowy with pride!  
  
Rylee Smith- more psychic reviewers! Shhh, that's not happening for a while yet!  
  
Melime- Thank you for your comments. Unfortunately, fanfic doesn't seem to like it when I enter once, and twice seemed slightly excessive at the time. I will try and remedy this though. Thank you for pointing out the tense thing, let that one slip through. Oops *^-^*. Glad you like, don't worry, takes more than nice constructive criticism to discourage me!  
  
BigBlackDogStar- Nasty computer! Glad you like this, rebellions will be fun!  
  
Tiri and Mary- here's my daily dose of laughter! Sorry bout Giri with the bow, but it needed doing, just to prove the point that no Sue can suddenly best Legolas with the bow JUST because the author wants her too. And you have Orlando (lip wobbles) want! One of these days I will catch an Orlando of my very own! Even though he *technically* doesn't appear in any of my fics, I don't see why I can't!  
  
Malfoyelf- Welcome aboard!  
  
Disclaimer - ISPCE is being used with the kind permission of Huinesoron, Liliac with the permission of herself. Lizzie is mine and I can therefore submit her to anything I wish (mwahahahah!). TAMS is mine, and I'm going to enjoy making it the most clichéd, fluffy, diabolical place that I can! The Sues are all mine, no matter how hard I try to lose them, so I'll be torturing them until I think of another plan!  
  
Diary of an Undercover Sue  
  
Chapter 5 - A Peaceful Interlude  
  
The Barbie clone headmistress shakes her head and looks at me with disappointment in her eyes. I fight back a yawn. For the past half hour she's been trying to explain that my behaviour in lesson was "inappropriate". I've been trying to explain to her that firing arrows in an archery lesson was the most appropriate thing I could do. We're really not communicating here.  
  
"Now, Lisa, I hope this talk has been constructive. I would like to talk more but the next lesson is about to start. Run along dear. I hope the next time we meet will be under more pleasant circumstances." She smiles at me. I look around at the words, and wonder if there will ever be a time when coming into this room would be pleasant. With a writ to close this place down? I smile, and she takes this as cooperation. I look at my timetable as I leave the room. Sword-craft. The thought of another practical lesson where the closest you get to learning how to use the weapon is how to look pretty whilst holding it makes me feel ill; the thought of Giri with a sword brings me out in a cold sweat.  
  
I go to my room. There's a dash of flame in the corner of my eye as I open the door. I go over to my bed and lift up the covers. Legolasto looks out at me from inside his box. His face breaks into the equivalent of a balrog smile, and he zooms out. Careful not to drop any, I get out the bacon I rescued from morning's breakfast. Legolasto takes this and flies to the window sill to eat it. I sit down on my bed, and notice a large brown envelope. Curious to who could be writing to me, I open it. There's a CD and a letter. I grin as I see what the CD is; Tom Lehrer! The man's a genius; I've been listening to him forever, since my mother first got the cassettes. Wondering who would have thought to send it to me, I read the letter.  
  
Dear Lisa, Hope everything is going well. You must be so excited! Wish I had the time to tell you everything, but I'm sure you realise how much is being unsaid. Hope the CD is to your taste, I couldn't find any others in your room; you must have already packed them. Got to dash, keep in touch. Violet.  
  
At first glance, the letter appears to be completely inconspicuous, but I recognise the handwriting. Plus the hint in the 'what's being unsaid' phrase, and the colour not too unlike someone I already know. I grab my bag, and unzip the compartment that's near invisible unless you know it's there. I take out the bottle labelled 'Reveal' and carefully pour some onto the paper. The real message reads as follows.  
  
Agent Lizzie, glad to see you have successfully infiltrated the academy and the classes. I understand these are trying times and I have sent you a CD to keep you sane. Heard on the grapevine you have been in contact with Dafydd; next time you are in headquarters bring Legolasto, mini balrogs are so cute! I am expecting an official report soon detailing how you think we can incapacitate the academy. You're still a ISPCE agent, don't forget. Apart from that, good luck. Liliac. PS junior agent Pickles explained about the hair, and I accept that I took it out of context. When you have finished this mission, come to my office and we'll discuss a holiday. PPS You were still in the wrong though.  
  
It's good to hear from the outside world, and even better to know I am forgiven. I get my CD player, put in the CD, and start to write my report. With Tom Lehrer to help me "forget my drab, wretched life" I shut off from reality.  
  
I cap my pen, put the report into the envelope and sigh. That's the last I want to think about this place for a while. The introduction to 'I hold your hand in mine' is playing when my peaceful retreat is broken by an ear piercing scream. I open my eyes to see Giri and crew huddled in the doorway, jabbering and pointing at the window sill. Legolasto is crouched behind the curtain, hands over his ears. I turn off my CD and glare at Giri. "Can't you be more considerate? I could have been asleep, and you hurt Legolasto's ears."  
  
Giri looks horrified. "That . . . thing is yours?"  
  
"That THING is a mini balrog and yes, he's mine. He's also quite young so I'd appreciate it if you didn't scream at him." I go to the window sill and scoop Legolasto up. Ideally, Giri would never have known about him, but now she does, she's going to have to live with him.  
  
"You can't keep it here!" Giri shrieks. "There's got to be rules against it."  
  
"Not true. Magical creatures and animal companions, of all varieties, are permitted in the academy. It's in the rules."  
  
I can see her companions whispering agreement. Giri's not happy. "We'll see what the headmistress has to say about that!" she storms out of the room.  
  
And yet again, I find myself look at walls "the colour of a sunset over Rivendale" waiting for the Barbie clone. Something tells me this wasn't the pleasant circumstances she was talking about!  
  
(A/N) Sorry this is short, I wanted to update before I go home for Christmas. I promise I will return refreshed and renewed with lots of ideas soon. 


	6. A Useful Lesson?

I'm SO sorry it's been so long since I updated! I feel awful, but in my defence, I thought it better to wait and write something at least half decent instead of updating with the fudge that I had before I became inspired. I won't keep you too long with my blabbering, promise!  
  
Huinesoron- Shh, put those claws away, it's going to be alright, I won't let anything happen to my lil Legolasto . . . mini authors? What would THEY look like?  
  
Malfoyelf- sorry it was the shortest, and I'll send the antidote to the reveal as soon as I find it . . . darn invisible ink ;-) Story of mini- balrog's is sort of explained, but reading Camilla Sandman's OFUM will make sense of it all (and it's really good too) Misspellings, yes, well that's what mini's are really all about anyway! And I'm feeling really guilty now, I try to update regularly . . .  
  
Lil angel/devil- I'm glad you agree its not right . . . proves you don't have sue tendencies! And I don't mind odd reviews or short ones. It's the absent ones that hurt!  
  
Liliac of the Purple Cloak- I'm updating now, eesh, it's a conspiracy to make me feel bad! Thank you.  
  
Phaidra- Legolasto isn't going anywhere, don't you worry. And I agree, total waste of time. Thanks for the fun fact!  
  
Hirotani- I agree, but these Mary Sue wannabes wouldn't really know about OFUM, so Legolasto is safe.  
  
Tiri and Mary- I don't want to kill you, which is why I didn't go into details! I LIKE your reviews! And I don't mind sharing, until I catch my own Orlando. Although . . . Your one looks like a lot of fun ;-)  
  
Rylee Smith- either your mind reading again or my plot is way too transparent. Stop it!  
  
KittyCatBlack- Glad you like. Also glad you obviously review near a very busy road!  
  
Melime- YAY, got it right! I will reward myself with a biscuit! And very glad you like!  
  
BigBlackDogStar- You probably didn't notice because I sometimes slip into past tense (it's hard not to) And I'm super glad you love this fic! Don't worry, Giri IS scary! And the walls are a sort of dark golden red colour, which the Barbie clone imagines a sunset over Rivendale would look like. Lizzie can see the words from inside the story (the headmistress wrote the room, which becomes relevant later)  
  
Tiri and Mary- This is what made me feel guilty. I'm sorry a hundred times it took me so long to update! Not sure Orlando pouncing is punishment but I updated anyway! Please don't die! I updated, look! And don't let Orlando cry! I'm sorry, truly I am! I loved the long blurb and I would reply to it all but I should really start the story now . . . all I can say is I now have mental images of Orlando in a big bow!  
  
Disclaimer - Do I really need to do this again? Oh ok - ISPCE is being used with the kind permission of Huinesoron, Liliac with the permission of herself. Lizzie is mine and I can therefore submit her to anything I wish (mwahahahah!). TAMS is mine, and I'm going to enjoy making it the most clichéd, fluffy, diabolical place that I can! The Sues are all mine, no matter how hard I try to lose them, so I'll be torturing them until I think of another plan!  
  
Chapter 6 - A Useful Lesson?  
  
"So let me try to understand this" The Barbie Clone rubs her temple. I toy with the idea of telling her she probably doesn't possess the IQ, but I decide not to . . . getting expelled is not on my to do list today. "So this . . . creature" she tries to smile at Legolasto, who is perched on the arm of my chair "is a mini balrog?" I nod. "And how did it . . . sorry, how did he come into being?"  
  
"Every name miss spelt in a fan fic creates a mini balrog. That includes place names." I stare pointedly at the walls. She has the grace to blush, but she doesn't comment. "And Legolasto here is my mini. That is ok isn't it? I mean, balrogs are perfectly canonical."  
  
Barbie Clone can't argue with me. "I suppose it's alright. There's nothing against it in the rules" she glances down at the rulebook, in the futile hope a new rule banning any pet that isn't cute might have miraculously appeared. It hasn't. She sighs. "Well, I suppose that's everything. If you run you can make it to your next class. I hope you can manage to stay out of trouble for a little longer this time, Lisa dear."  
  
I smile and nod and scoop Legolasto into my arms. "Me too Miss". I look at my timetable as her door closes behind me. Caring for your animal Companions is next. I look at Legolasto and smile. Might be fun!  
  
***  
  
This lesson is outside in the grounds of the school. I wonder over to Nicole and Sally, but I feel a bit nervous. Suppose they don't like Legolasto? I needn't have worried though; they both think he's absolutely adorable.  
  
"I haven't got a creature companion, can I help with Legolasto?" asks Sally. I nod, and turn towards Nicole, but she smiles and shakes her head.  
  
"I've already got a creature companion," she whistles and a hawk swoops down from a nearby tree to land on her arm. "This is Swift. I thought it would be cool to have a companion, and hawks aren't too out of place in Middle Earth."  
  
"Talking of out of place," I say, spotting Giri over sally's shoulder. They both turn to look, and gasp. Giri is riding a candyfloss pink flying unicorn. I feel ill. Legolasto obviously shares the sentiment because he growls and flies over towards Giri.  
  
"Legolasto, NO!" I chase after him. He stops inches from Giri, who glares at me with fear thinly veiled by hatred.  
  
"What's that THING still doing here? I thought you went to see the headmistress!" She sneers.  
  
"Yes, I did. HE is still here because there's nothing in the rules that says otherwise. And at least Legolasto is canonical. A pink flying unicorn? PLEASE!"  
  
She slides of its back and stands toe to toe with me. Legolasto snaps at her, and she backs off a bit. "There's nothing wrong with MY unicorn!"  
  
"That's not technically true." A slightly hoarse, male voice interrupts. I turn to look. A tall man, obviously a ranger, is standing looking at both of us. "You would never find a unicorn in Middle Earth, let alone a pink flying one!" Giri glares, and I look at him curiously. I had given up hope of finding anyone in this place who would actually know anything about Middle Earth.  
  
***  
  
I'm impressed. I've actually had a useful lesson. Mornil, the teacher, knew his stuff and, despite Giri's gangs best attempts, stuck to canonical creatures only. I trail behind everyone else at the end of the lesson so I can talk to him.  
  
"So, how does a sane person like you end up in a school like this?" I ask as he picks up his pack from the ground.  
  
He laughs, and starts to walk towards the academy with me. "I was rescued from a fan fic to help teach about creatures. I was an original character in some atrocity, there to comfort the sue about her "tragic" past and match make for her and Aragorn." He shudders. "Luckily for me, once I was brought out of the fan fic, I was free from her influence, and I became an ordinary ranger."  
  
I thank him and say goodbye. "Now that's interesting" I murmur to Legolasto as I walk towards Sally. She starts to run towards me. I look around for Nicole, but I can't see her anywhere. "Where . . ." I start to ask Sally as she gets to me, but she interrupts.  
  
"The headmistress just came out to get Nicole . . . She's been chosen for a fan fic!"  
  
(A/N Dum dum duu-uu-uum! What ever will happen next? One thing's for sure, I'll update quicker this time, promise!) 


	7. The fate of the Sues

I realise I have taken ages again to update, but I am currently under the dark cloud of exams, and have been busy revising, having practical labs and basically panicking. So here is a little outlet of al the crazy energy I have!  
  
Huinesoron - Unicorns aren't bad, just not canonical to LoTR. I LIKE unicorns, in their own world and context (the secret of my fangirl streak slips out! Curses!) And yes, Ranger-boy is good!  
  
Liliac of the Purple Cloak - yes, sane people! And you'll see what happens to the hair, and how the fic thing works . . . there are some surprises in store!  
  
KittyCatBack - you'll see why she was chosen . . . and it's not all bad.  
  
Phaidra - I like Nicole, so you can be sure she'll stay safe!  
  
Lil angel/devil - *grins back* yes it is!  
  
Malfoyelf - I think the balrog with that name gets stronger every time it's used, rather than a new one being created, but not quote me on that. And Mornil's story is being told today!  
  
Tiri and Mary - *faints* OMG, Thank you thank you thank you! Um candy floss, also called cotton candy, is in fact a type of candy, made of melted sugar spun into very fine threads. It is delicious and a whole new taste sensation. The unicorn, however is only that colour, and at no risk of being eaten. Loved your review, as always!  
  
Merrylyn - It's you! *hugs* hi! Tom Lehrer is an American artist, with songs such as Poisoning Pigeons in the Park, Be Prepared and Oedipus Rex. They are . . . odd, but I love them! And Mornil is going to stick around quite a bit!  
  
BigBlackDogStar - Yes, yes he is. Lol, that should make you happy!  
  
Rylee Smith - yes, yes they are . . . have to stop doing that now.  
  
Isilhen - There isn't really, I just haven't mentioned all of the insane ones!  
  
Disclaimer - ISPCE is being used with the kind permission of Huinesoron, Liliac with the permission of herself. Lizzie is mine and I can therefore submit her to anything I wish (mwahahahah!). TAMS is mine, and I'm going to enjoy making it the most clichéd, fluffy, diabolical place that I can! The Sues are all mine, no matter how hard I try to lose them, so I'll be torturing them until I think of another plan! Mornil is mine, but I like him so no torture for the ranger guy!  
  
Diary of an Undercover Sue  
  
Chapter 7 - The fate of the Sues  
  
Running down the corridor, gasping for breath, only one thought is playing through my mind; "She can't be gone, I've got to save her!" I reach the very familiar door to Barbie Clones office, and knocking quickly, walk in. She glances up from her desk, shocked.  
  
"Lisa, what's wrong dear? Please tell me you're not in trouble AGAIN?"  
  
"Nicole . . . where is she?" bent over double, I drag air into my lungs as quickly as I can. I can feel my face burning, and the sweat trickling down my forehead, my nose, and oddly enough, between my shoulder blades. I know I look the furthest thing from a Sue right now, but that's not important. If Nicole is in a story . . .  
  
"She's in the makeover department, trying to get her hair changed. Sit down Lisa, you look . . . exhausted."  
  
I gratefully sink into the chair, and as I get my breath back, I notice something is different. Nothing looks like it's changed, but there's something in the air, something subtle . . . A quick glance at the words reveals that the walls now are the colour of a sunset over Rivendell, and the desk is oaken, not oakan. I warm to the Barbie Clone a touch more. She's being quite nice now, and she actually went back to correct her mistakes . . . It takes a lot to admit something you've written wasn't perfect, and to change it.  
  
Shaking my head to try and regain my focus, I remember why I'm here. "Listen, you can't send Nicole into a story . . . the PPC . . ."  
  
A horrified look passes over her face, and I notice her hand shaking. Nervously she laughs. "Come now dear, the PPC are just a silly story, no such thing really . . ."  
  
I don't want to have this argument again. It's obvious that Barbie Clone DOES know the PPC exist, but she won't admit it. I am going to have to handle this with delicacy, tact and most of all, sneakiness!  
  
"Okay, so there's no PPC . . . but what happens if a girl doesn't make it to the end of a story?"  
  
Taking my easy persuasion about the PPC to her head, Barbie Clone relaxes. "Well, they just don't pass. Now Lisa, as pleasant as it is to see you without having to tell you off, it's lunch time and you need to eat dear" She shoos me to the door. "Have a nice lunch"  
  
And I'm left facing the solid wood of her door. I don't think I'm going to get any answers from it, and I don't feel like eating. Sally doesn't need the worry that something could happen to Nicole, and anyway, she wouldn't be able to help me sort out what's going on. Neither would Liliac, or Dafydd. No, the only person who I think would be able to help is Mornil, the creature teacher!  
  
I knock on the staff room door, and a teacher I haven't had yet opens it. "Can I speak to Mornil please?" I ask. She just rolls her eyes and calls to him. He comes to the door with a decidedly wary look in his eye. "I need to talk to you" he raises his eyebrow. "In private" I add when he doesn't move.  
  
He sighs, and stares at me "I don't know Aragorn, and I'm not interested. I THOUGHT you were different to the others."  
  
It takes me a minute to realise he thinks I've come to flirt. "Eugh, NO!" then realising how bad that could sound, I apologise "It's not that you're not . . . you're very handsome . . . I'm just not a ranger girl" Thinking about it, he is. Tall, dark brown hair just below his ears, hazel eyes, straight nose, chiselled cheeks . . . I might actually be tempted if it wasn't for the fact I'm deeply devoted . . . no, bad thoughts! He's looking at me with an odd look in his eyes. I need to start again.  
  
"It's about my friend Nicole . . . She's been chosen and I think she's in danger"  
  
His eyes widen, and he steps out of the staff room. Closing the door, he starts walking towards the main door. "Follow me" he says.  
  
We go to the out side hut where we had Caring for your animal Companions. "Nicole . . . she was the girl with the hawk right? Swift? I like hawks."  
  
I feel a rush of gratitude he didn't say the girl with weird hair. And with a pang I remember that Nicole is an Aragorn fan, and would probably be thrilled at attention from Mornil. But I have to focus.  
  
"Yes well, she's in a story, and there's this group called the PPC . . ."  
  
Mornil shivers. "I know all about the PPC." I just stare, amazed. I never thought Mornil would have a clue about them, being an original character. I sit quietly, and listen.  
  
"I told you I was in a story, about a Mary sue and Aragorn? It was awful. I had moments when I was almost sane, seeing as the author made me a ranger of "many years" even though I'm not meant to be much older than twenty." He rolled his eyes "but most of the time I was trapped as her friend and shoulder to cry on. There was bad spelling, extreme out of character ness, in text author notes, the works! It's no wonder the PPC came." he lets out a short humourless laugh.  
  
"We were in some woods the author had invented, when they appeared in front of us. The thing is, they killed her first, and I managed to break free of the trance. I ran into the woods and hid. I'll never forget the terror." He had a haunted look in his eyes, and I can imagine it . . . hiding, knowing that somewhere out there, there are two people looking to kill you . . . PPC agents are nice people, but as assassins there's none more feared.  
  
"Not that I blame them . . . I would have joyfully scourged all traces of the story" he continues. "But just as they were getting close, I felt myself yanked backwards. Turns out one of the students here had been the sue and she had appeared in the fic room jabbering in terror. Obviously the school thought I was worth rescuing."  
  
"Wait a minute!" I interrupt "You mean the PPC killed the sue, but she still came back?"  
  
"The student came back. The sue, as she was written, was killed. Students just inhabit the body of the sue for the duration of the story."  
  
This is a blow. If Mornil is right, which I don't doubt, closing this school will probably have no effect on the sue situation! But at least Nicole will be okay . . . "Mornil, what happened to the girl?"  
  
"She was sent home. They said she couldn't handle failing and there was a massive cover up. Truth is, she was severely traumatised, and the school didn't want to admit the possibility that there was such a thing as the PPC. You're worried the PPC will go after Nicole?"  
  
I nod, chewing on my thumb knuckle, a habit I developed to help me grow my nails.  
  
"I'll get a hold of the story and you can see . . . If it's bad you can tell your contacts to look out for her."  
  
I look up startled and meet wry eyes. I try to sound confused. "Contacts?"  
  
"You have a mini balrog. I know a bit about them, and I know you need to know someone who's concerned with protecting canon to have one. I understand you don't want to talk about it."  
  
I'm really glad I've got Mornil on my side. But something's niggling in he back of my mind. "Mornil . . . you said something about failing, and earlier the headmistress said something about passing. I'm confused."  
  
"Well, participating in a story is like a practical exam. Those who make it to the end in a sue like way graduate to the next level. They get to chose whether they continue their education, leave or join the staff"  
  
"You can join the staff?!?" This is news to me! If I could get onto the staff . . . the possibilities are almost endless!  
  
I say good bye to Mornil, who promises to get a copy of the story to me by dinner. I head back to the school, busy scheming. Suddenly I have my appetite back.  
  
*********************************************************************  
  
The afternoon lessons passed in a blur. I couldn't tell you what I had; all I remember is Mornil bring the story over to me at dinner time. I'm in my room now, and I'm incredibly relieved. It's about Aragorn and Arwen after the war of the ring. It's canonical, well written, and a joy to read, touching without being soppy. Nicole will have the time of her life being Arwen for a short time . . . And I have a lot of work to do. I'm going to get onto the staff, which means I have to start doing well in my classes . . . yup, a LOT of work to do!!!  
  
(A/N) Wow, I've got a lot out of my system here. Hope you like, might be a while before I update, with exams and all, so I thought I should write more than last time . . . I also have lots more ideas, but they have to wait for now!  
  
Also I was kind of rushed posting this . . . I apologise for any stupid errors and if you can tell me in a review I will fix them asap! 


	8. Lizzie the Sue?

Let me let you in on a little secret . . . Exams are nasty. Very nasty! But even the cruellest torture cannot keep me away forever, and so I am back. I'm sorry.  
  
KittyCatBlack - I'm glad you enjoyed it! Nicole was picked . . . well, because she's an Aragorn fan and she had been doing quite well in her singing class . . . and it WAS a nice story to be in! And yes, I like Mornil too . . . thinking of doing a one off about his encounter with the PPC.  
  
Lil angel/devil - Yes, normal people are there, mainly so Lizzie doesn't go crazy  
  
Liliac of the Purple Cloak - very FUN indeed!  
  
Rylee Smith - Thank you!  
  
Phaidra - I like Nicole, so I figured she should have a nice story . . . I'm thinking, was written by one of the good fic authors, like Miss Cam, or Huinesoron (just to plug two of my favourites . . . there are other excellent authors but if I listed them all the story wouldn't fit in!)  
  
Malfoyelf - Well, there are good fan fiction authors, and technically it WASN'T a sue story per say . . . Yes, Mornil is groovy, and pretty smart too . . . and I have no intention of turning him into a romantic interest strangely enough!  
  
Isilhen - gears? Do I need to get some oil again? And as I might have said a couple of times already I like Mornil . . . And I'm not an Aragorn fangirl. All I will say for now.  
  
Huinesoron - Don't be silly, as if something as trivial as TAMS could threaten the PPC! And you know me, there's always a chance, I'm an eternal (should that be infernal) optimist!  
  
Dragon emperess - Thank you!  
  
Tiri and Mary - Yay! My daily dose of laughter! I have exams too . . . aren't they just the most evil . . . evil thing ever? But here I am, updating, to keep you going mad . . . and to see if Orlando will strip again (turning into a habit . . . not that I'm complaining ;-) )  
  
Alocin - I don't mind, you're back again now, that's what counts. Yes, the plot is thickening (and goodness me, there IS actually a plot! Gasp!)  
  
Ekwy - I can only guess it's something like "They sent Legolas to scout around" with the space missed out . . . That might work? And a cookie? For me? YAY!!!  
  
The Noble Platypus - *helps platy up* welcome friend! And hi Pipim! Can I feed him, can I huh, huh, can I? Please? Um ok, back to reality (aw, but mum, I don't want to!) Sorry, weird mood! Thanks for the suggestion of you guesting; I might have to do that! And for me what should be bed time normally equates to update time . . . ah well, ce la vie! Is that how you spell it?  
  
Merrylyn - Glad you're back too! Missed you girl!  
  
Disclaimer - ISPCE is being used with the kind permission of Huinesoron, Liliac with the permission of herself. Lizzie is mine and I can therefore submit her to anything I wish (mwahahahah!). Tom Lehrer and his songs aren't mine, worst luck, because they (and he) are sheer genius! Dafydd is an agent of the PPC, so I won't mess with him! TAMS is mine, and I'm going to enjoy making it the most clichéd, fluffy, diabolical place that I can! The Sues are all mine, no matter how hard I try to lose them, so I'll be torturing them until I think of another plan! Mornil is mine, but I like him so no torture for the ranger guy!  
  
Diary of an Undercover Sue  
  
Chapter 8 - Lizzie the sue?  
  
Strong arms surround me; gentle lips caress against my forehead, a soft voice murmurs my name. "My dearest Lisa"  
  
Wait, that's not right! I'm Lizzie! I struggle against the arms, and realise I'm awake, in my bed, and the only thing surrounding me is the quilt. I sit, drenched in cold sweat. It can't be starting again! After all the work I did, the hours of self discipline, I thought I was rid of the dreams. I look around at the postered walls. It's being here, surrounded by fangirls . . . My self control slipped, that's all. There's no reason to panic, no reason to believe I'll succumb this time. I look at the clock. Three AM. Nothing to do but go back to sleep, and at the moment that's the last thing I need.  
  
I reach for my CD player and pop in the earphones. A few verses of The Irish Ballard should calm me down, and if not . . . it looks like I'll be spending some time with Tom Lehrer again. That reminds me of the last time I listened to the CD. I should start work on the next report soon, just to make things easier. I'll do that after this song . . . just going to lay down for a bit first . . .  
  
In a glade somewhere I sit and wait for him, my dress shimmering blue pink in the moonlight. . . BLUE PINK!!! Hello, NOT sleeping beauty here! Normal clothes do not shine two colours. The utter disgust at the dress is enough to wake me up again. This is a terrifying new development! Yes, I had the dreams before, but they had never been so . . . well, Suey. Blurry eyed, I sit up . . . I had better start that report after all. It looks like the dreams aren't going to be stopping any time soon.  
  
*********************************************************************  
  
Finished! I've written up everything I've learnt about the academy, about the devastating blow that closing this place will probably not have any affect on the Mary Sue problem, and about the new plan to get onto the staff and some how hijack the curriculum. A quick glance at the clock shows there's no point in going back to sleep, so I check on Legolasto. He's awake, so I beckon for him to come and talk to me. I get the fireproof blanket Barbie clone gave to me, which was very nice of her. It was a generous action, and helped her rise a notch or two in my opinion of her.  
  
I'm stroking Legolasto's head when I notice Giri moving around. I don't particularly want to talk to her, so I lie down, and motion for Legolasto to sit still. I can hear her moving around. Then I hear the sleepy voice of one of her followers. "Giritinuvielwen? What's wrong? It's only eight o'clock! We don't have class until nine!"  
  
I roll my eyes. Aw, the ickle fangirl had to get up a whole fifteen minutes earlier than she does anyway . . . how awful! But Giri is busy waking up the other followers, and whispering something about "not waking HER up". Now, since she's woken every other girl in the room up, it doesn't take a genius to realise which 'her' she's talking about. Since I'm not meant to hear this, I take the only available option; stay as quiet as a mouse and listen hard!  
  
"Right . . . well as you know, I've written a story, and managed to post it home. My sister wrote to me yesterday, and it's on the web. That means it's only a matter of time before I get chosen to go into it!"  
  
"But how do you know you'll get chosen" pipes up one of the followers. I can't help thinking that's a very good question.  
  
"Well, duh, I wrote it . . . It's absolutely perfect for me. She's the best singer in Mirkwood, she's beautiful, graceful, a skilled archer . . ."  
  
I smother a snigger. Skilled archer? Someone must have been dreaming in archery class; it would certainly explain why her aim was so off! And best singer! That's Nicole . . . I get distracted for a moment, wondering how she is, and miss some of the details. One of the followers, I think it's the same one as before, breaks into my thoughts.  
  
"But Giri . . . sorry, Giritinuvielwen" she hastily corrects, "isn't that . . . cheating?"  
  
"So" Giri sounds totally unconcerned "There's no way of proving it, and besides, no one here will tell. Will they?" There's a chorus of nos. "Well then. I'll be chosen for my story, sail through it, pass with flying colours, and then I'll be the new headmistress."  
  
"Surely that's not possible." I feel a strange affinity to this follower. Despite the fact she is in Giri's group, she's managed to retain some shreds of sanity.  
  
"Of course it is. She was a student here, before she became headmistress. Supposedly she was searching for 'the perfect story', whatever that's supposed to mean. Well, eventually she'd passed so many, the teachers decided she must have lots of experience, and made her headmistress." Giri sniffs "She hasn't exactly harnessed the full potential of the academy though. I'm sure once they see how well I do in my story all of the teachers will support me in taking over from her." She sounds so satisfied with herself. It will be an absolute pleasure to bring her down.  
  
That will have to wait till later of course. First I have 'Basic English". This is in a rather plain classroom, and a normal looking woman is teaching it. "This class is to cover the fact that some of you are still of compulsory education age" she explains. "Whilst the new headmistress was gracious enough to add this class to the curriculum, it was not possible to cover a full syllabus. So . . ." here she sighs heavily "this class consists of writing poetry."  
  
This is a lucky break. I need to start doing well in my classes and something normal like poetry . . . I like writing poetry! Plus the teacher looks like a normal person, so I don't have to make it over the top. For the next fifteen minutes I write, check, rewrite, and finally I have something I'm happy with. The teacher has been wondering around the room, and seeing a few satisfied faces, asks "Does anyone want to read what they have?"  
  
Giri jumps up, and without waiting for the teacher to say anything, starts reading her poem.  
  
"Prince of beauty, Elf of old . . . With your hair that shines like gold . . . It's only you I want to hold . . . Because you are so very bold . . . When I'm with you I feel no cold . . . In fact, if truth be told . . . Warmth is mine when you I behold . . . Be mine Leggy, Elf of old" . . .  
  
I wince. So does the teacher. "It's . . . very . . . nice dear. The rhyme scheme is a bit forced. Any one else?"  
  
Giri sits down, obviously disappointed that the teacher isn't still singing her praises. I raise my hand, and stand up when the teacher nods at me.  
  
And Lothlórien . . . Rolled in clouds and mist . . . Stretches up to the distant sky . . . And merges into pearly grey . . . And the green grass . . . On the forest floor . . . Is scattered with dew . . . Glinting in the light . . . Silver specks . . . On leaves and blades . . . And hanging on webs . . . Gives a mystic feel . . . To a place . . . Of ancient legends . . . And elves, the fair folk . . . Their time might . . . Have long since passed . . . But their spirit . . . Remains in the air . . . Tangible . . . Like the mist . . .  
  
There's silence for a few moments. I look around the room. Some girls are looking at me stunned. Giri is glaring daggers. The teacher smiles at me.  
  
"That was beautiful dear!" I blush, and sit down. With a few more poems, I might just stand a chance of getting into a story. As if my thoughts woke up dramatic irony, the headmistress appears at the door.  
  
"If I could just interrupt a moment? Giritinuvielwen, good news, you have been chosen for a story."  
  
Giri beams triumphantly and glides from the room. I'm not too bothered though. I have, not meaning to sound cliché, a cunning plan!  
  
*********************************************************************  
  
Another break time visit to Mornil, who was more than happy to help me stop Giri becoming headmistress ("There would be pink flying unicorns running all over the place!") and a message to Dafydd later, I'm back in my room, with a copy of Giri's story. Dafydd looks nauseated as he finishes reading it.  
  
"Well, at least we'll have no issue PPCing her. DOGA can't do it" he sounds really regretful here. As if he'd like nothing more than to personally burn Giri's sue. Can't say I blame him!  
  
He continues "But the Department of Mary Sues will have a field day with this one! Is that all?"  
  
I nod, but my thoughts are already straying to tonight. What if the dreams come back?  
  
"Lizzie" I look up. Dafydd has something strangely akin to concern in his eyes. "What is it?" I shake my head and he scowls. "You're not fooling me kiddo, something's up"  
  
I look down at the quilt and mumble "the dreams are back" really quietly, but he hears me.  
  
"Tell me about it" And with that simple phrase, Dafydd highlights the reasons I've been friends with him so long. He might be a trained assassin; he might have an obsession with fire, but when his friends need him, he's there. That's one of the reason I told him about the dreams when I first had them.  
  
"Well, same old, same old. No, that's not true; the last one was . . . Suey!" I feel a tear, and swipe it away.  
  
"Well, being in a place like this, I'm not surprised" I smile relieved. "But" he adds warningly "if you continue to have them, you might have to tell Liliac"  
  
I stare at him aghast "I can't do that! You know I'll lose my job . . ."  
  
He puts his hand up to stop me. "I said IF. In the mean time, perhaps I can help you with some more control exercises?"  
  
I smile and nod, closing my eyes. I put all thoughts of Giri, this academy, and the dreams out of my head. I can worry about them later. For now, I just focus on Dafydd's voice, and clearing my mind . . .  
  
(A/N) Phew, that's that done . . . was hit by an AWFUL bout of Writers block during that, but luckily it passed fairly quickly. So, the plot thickens! Will all of Lizzie's efforts be in vain? Who is it in the dreams? (you can probably guess, but please pretend it's a surprise?) Will the PPC get Giri? Find out, after the exams!  
  
Oh, about the poetic efforts. The first one (god I AM sorry for that) feel free to tear to shreds. The second is an adaptation of one of my real poems and whilst I respect that this whole process is about constructive criticism I ask (beg) that you are gentle with me. That is all 


	9. Return of Nicole! Yay!

I'm a very, very bad girl! I started this chapter...ooo, 5 weeks ago? I don't know what happened to me, but I humbly beg your forgiveness!  
  
Huinesoron - Yes, lets . . . I have been suitably inspired and details of her torture will be posted soon (next chapter)  
  
Liliac of the purple cloak - Spike (drifts of into day dream and considers the possibility of writing a story that wasn't a sue) Um, huh, what now? Oh Nicole . . . yes, she's coming back, and Giri is later . . . and I'm not scared of you (cowers)  
  
The Noble Platypus - I have had a genius idea about your visiting, which I need to discuss with you . . . do you have MSN? If not, can I have your email address? *Feeds Pipim* Legolasto, come over here and meet Pipim . . . you can show him your Sue punch bag! Here's more story . . . but if you continue to poke, I'll poke back!  
  
Fireblade K'Chona - Thank you!  
  
Rylee Smith - *whistles innocently* maybe . . .  
  
Phaidra - Shudder indeed, Giri as headmistress is the unspeakable horror that never can occur, lest all of Middle Earth fall under her urple shadow! And the dreams . . . I will call them dreams as they *are* nice, she just doesn't want to be having them . . . if that makes sense. Yes Dafydd came to the academy, PPC assassins, sorry, Agents, have portal devices, so he can come visit!  
  
Isilhen - Thank you for the poetry comments . . . sure you're being harsh, no one could make Giri's efforts look good! And the dress . . . well, it WAS in the dream, I guess it's something like Aurora (sp?) had in sleeping beauty when Flora and Merry weather were zapping it  
  
Hirotani - *laughs* have fun!  
  
Regeane - And so you shall!  
  
Merrylyn - *smuggles plushie away from the eyes of reviewers and hugs Merrylyn* Thank you, you're an angel! But shh, I know you know but I don't think THEY do yet . . . they have probably guessed though, I haven't been hiding it very well! And worry not, definitely NO MORE Giri poetry . . . I hate writing stuff that bad! And yes, Yay for Dafydd! The adventure continues . . .  
  
Malfoyelf - yes, Leggy seemed to multiply the sheer badness of that poem by a factor of at least ten! And yes, poor Lizzie, trapped with wannabe sues, and unable to get her hands on real Tolkien! Shhh, don't tell the others!  
  
KittyCatBlack - *blushes* thank you! And I don't think she'll be burnt (that's a specialty of DOGA and agent Dafydd, but her torture will be original and humorous . . . I hope!  
  
Alocin - That's ok, this story update is later . . . and the plan was fairly cunning.  
  
Tiri and Mary - *grovels in the dirt at your feet* I didn't forget you, honest . . . I am so-oo-oo sorry, I won't let it happen again, honest! I will update more regularly now! Hugs all round, and lots of warm weather!  
  
Dragon emperess - Uhhu, poor girl  
  
Thalial - Gulp, is this soon?  
  
BigBlackDogStar - Argh, be gone evil spirit of Sue, haunt the computer no more! Thank you for the poetry praise, I was personally proud to please you. *Stares at pocket watch* Must . . . update.  
  
Disclaimer – I might actually rewrite this, when I get a bolt of inspiration . . . Oh well . . . ISPCE is being used with the kind permission of Huinesoron, Liliac with the permission of herself. Lizzie is mine and I can therefore submit her to anything I wish (mwahahahah!). Tom Lehrer and his songs aren't mine, worst luck, because they (and he) are sheer genius! Dafydd is an agent of the PPC, so I won't mess with him! TAMS is mine, and I'm going to enjoy making it the most clichéd, fluffy, diabolical place that I can! The Sues are all mine, no matter how hard I try to lose them, so I'll be torturing them until I think of another plan! Mornil is mine, but I like him so no torture for the ranger guy!  
  
Diary of an Undercover Sue  
  
Chapter 9 - Return of Nicole!  
  
I'm back in the forest, in the sleeping beauty style dress. I concentrate and it changes into jeans and a black tee shirt. Much better. Now for the forest. This takes longer, but eventually this turns into my office back at ISPCE. Sighing in relief, I sit down at my desk. I might not be able to do any work, this being a dream and all, but I've got some brilliant games on my computer!  
  
But as I'm about to load up Cluedo, I hear HIS voice. "My darling Lisa . . ."  
  
Waking up, I nearly scream in frustration. I was SO close! If I carry on having the dreams, I'll HAVE to tell Liliac, and then . . . I pummel my pillow, angrily. The sue in the next bed groans and sits up. I freeze. She looks at me and I realise it's the same sue who argued with Giri yesterday morning.  
  
"Sorry" I mumble, feeling pretty bad. Just because I can't sleep, doesn't mean I should wake the only other half sane girl in this dorm up.  
  
She rubs her eyes, and smiles sleepily. "That's okay, I wasn't asleep really. I was daydreaming about Frodo."  
  
I raise an eyebrow at her "And Giri still talks to you?"  
  
She rolls her eyes "Don't be silly . . . she thinks I'm a Legoluster! It's bad enough I won't change my name to something Sindarin"  
  
I'm impressed. Most Sue wannabes would call it elvish. "So what is your name?"  
  
"Hannah" She pushes herself up in bed "So, can I ask you something? Why are you here? You obviously don't like it"  
  
I can't exactly tell hr the truth, but I don't like lying completely." Well, that's not particularly true . . . I just don't like the whole sueness of it all"  
  
"Sueness?" she asks, wrinkling her nose "What do you mean?"  
  
"The changes they make to the story . . . the way they ignore details that Tolkien included for a reason . . . The world we end up going into isn't normally Middle Earth at all!"  
  
"But isn't it better?"  
  
I stare at her. Perhaps I gave her too much credit. "Better? Have you seen what some of the fanfic authors DO to the characters? How many times has Legolas become the shallow pretty-boy lust object? Boromir, the chauvinistic pig? And Frodo! The number of times I've seen him turned into a two dimensional child!"  
  
There's silence for a moment, and I wonder if I've been too harsh. Then in a very small voice, she replies.  
  
"You're right"  
  
And with those two words, hope is restored . . . Maybe my mission can still succeed.  
  
*********************************************************************  
  
At breakfast, I'm bubbling over in excitement, telling Sally about my almost convert. She's listening and nodding, but suddenly her eyes slip over my shoulder, and her face breaks into a beaming smile.  
  
"Nicole!"  
  
And I'm up, running down between the tables and hugging Nicole, and she's hugging me, and Sally's hugging both of us . . . I realise, in the back of my mind, I was still worried about what might happen to her but she's here, and she's safe!  
  
We all leave the school, and walk around the grounds, listening to Nicole recount her time in Middle Earth.  
  
"It was amazing! The sights, the sounds . . . this author was GOOD! And Aragorn" she sighs dreamily "He was so-oo in character! And the love he felt for Arwen was really beautiful. I mean, I'd love it if he loved me like that, but you could just tell they belonged together."  
  
I listen to her talking about Middle Earth and I think. If half of these Sues could see the real Middle Earth the way Nicole did, they wouldn't want to write the same tired Mary Sues they had been. Maybe closing the school isn't the way to go . . . if it was turned into a canonical school that gave people the chance to see Tolkien's world as it was meant to be, they wouldn't want to degrade it the way they had been.  
  
"Lisa . . . Lisa!" Nicole's voice breaks into my musings. "We're going back inside to finish breakfast, you with?"  
  
I nod and follow them in. I've just sat down again, when I hear a high pitched scream, like a deranged animal. "LII-II-II-II-II-SS-SS-AA-AA-AA-AA- AA-AA-AA-AA-AA"  
  
I look at the others. We all say, in unison, "Giri's back"  
  
(A/N) I know it's kind of short and very late, but it's here! I'm trying, honest! 


	10. Return of Giri! Boo!

True to my word, this update is not a month after the last one!  
  
Liliac - Heheheh, Giri's torments were numerous and long, and a small fraction of them are detailed in the next chapter (I want it to be good)  
  
The Noble Platypus - *Receives hug gratefully* yes, and if what we talked about is still okay for you I'll start preparations soon. That song doesn't bug me; I have a friend back home who sings something VERY similar!  
  
KittyCatBlack - *blushes* I'm glad you liked it! And you REALLY don't like Giri much, do you?  
  
Fireblade K'Chona - Thank you  
  
Huinesoron - *grins* yep, yep, and yep!  
  
Phaidra - Glad this came at a good time! And you'll see what happened to Giri in the next chapter . . . *wicked grin*  
  
Dragon emperess - that's the plan!  
  
Rylee Smith - Thank you, and look, I am!  
  
Gayahithwen - Hmmm, the Sindarin . . . Well, considering her name is meant to be Miritinuvielwen (Bejewelled Nightingale Woman), and actually means Shuddering Nightingale Woman, perhaps I should have said something that sounds Sindarin (or as Giri would say, something that sound elvish). Giri IS uber-sue and cannot/ will not be saved. She probably has a problem with Hannah's name because it's normal. And Nicole . . . she isn't really meant to be a Mary Sue, just a fangirl . . . I'm not always as clear as I mean to be, sorry. But my plans for a canonical college are!  
  
Tiri and Mary - Yup, I'm back! And it's brilliant to see all of you! *Tries to lure Orlando with the gift basket rum. Looks up guiltily* where was I? Oh yes, well, as penance for my earlier lapse, here's another, longer, chapter! Enjoy!  
  
Disclaimer – The academy, and all members of it, are mine. People mentioned in the academy and visitors to the academy are normally somebody else's, but I ask permission first, so I shouldn't get sued (in the legal sense, not the Giri sense). Middle Earth is Tolkien's and although I can't ask his permission, I can bow down in awe at his brilliance, and make a small stand against the vandals who mangle it.  
  
Diary of an Undercover Sue  
  
Chapter 10 - Return of Giri! Boo!  
  
The doors to the hall slam open, and Giri stands there, breathing heavily and glaring round the room. I'm quite surprised to see her so dishevelled; her golden hair is tangled and filled with sticks and leaves, her pale skin scratched and bruised, and her dress shredded.  
  
I realise that, since she wrote the story she was just in, the character was probably so like her in appearance that they didn't bother putting her through the Sueifier. And the result is her encounter with the PPC has left very visible marks!  
  
She spotted me, and she starts storming down the aisle between the tables. Sally and Nicole stand up to defend me, but I shake my head and stand up myself. I can handle anything Giri can dish out . . . I see the look in her eyes, and gulp. I hope I can handle it!  
  
"Lisa Dovewhite, you are SO dead!" she growls, standing toe to toe with me "Once I find out how you sabotaged my story, you'll be expelled for sure!"  
  
"Surely being expelled will be the least of my worries if you're going to kill me?" I ask mildly. Not entirely sensible, but oh so satisfying to see the look on her face.  
  
"Anyway, you know what happened, and you know it wasn't my fault." The PPC has a policy of reading the sue the charge list, and unless Giri really annoyed them, they would have done that. And there's no way Giri can link the PPC back to me.  
  
She narrows her eyes "It was your fault. I don't know how you did it, but you . . . will . . . pay!" and with clenched teeth, she storms out the room.  
  
Sally and Nicole glance at me curiously as I sit down.  
  
"What did you mean, she knew what happened? It sounded like you knew too . . ." asks Sally.  
  
I shrug "She has to know . . . she was there! And when she thinks about it, she'll realise I couldn't have done anything". I wish I could tell them the truth, but I can't compromise the mission. I look down at my breakfast and sigh. I'm suddenly not that hungry.  
  
*********************************************************************  
  
I'm in another useless lesson (Natures make up kit; what plants make you beautiful) when a student knocks on the door.  
  
"The headmistress wants to see Lisa Dovewhite"  
  
I follow the student down the corridor, trying to work out what I've done now. The only thing I can think of is that Giri has been complaining about me. I reach her door and the other student smiles sympathetically and leaves. I knock, and go in.  
  
The headmistress is sitting at her desk, crying softly. She has a few pages in her hand, and she's holding them ever so tightly. Instinctively I walk round the desk, and put my hand on her shoulder. "What's wrong?"  
  
She looks up at me, and I realise she's smiling. "I found it" she whispers.  
  
"Found what?" I'm confused.  
  
She holds up the pages. "The perfect canonical Middle Earth self insert" She looks at it in reverence. "When I first came here, I dreamed of a story like this."  
  
"Do you want to talk about it?" I hard Giri telling one of the girls a version of the headmistresses story, but I'd rather hear it from her.  
  
"I was a Tolkien nut as a child. I had all of the books I could find, and I read them again and again. When I saw an advert on the internet for this school, I jumped at the chance. Imagine, being able to go to Middle Earth! But every time I went into a story, it was a sham . . . Nothing like Middle Earth was meant to be. And the more stories I went to, the worse it got. When the teachers made me the offer of being headmistress, I said yes. And for a while I was happy; I had a say in what was happening, I could try and find the real Middle Earth. It wasn't till I saw a story written by a pupil I had taught I realised I hadn't changed anything . . . I might even have made it worse. That's the day I rescued Mornil. I've tried to make changes, but the teachers have been resisting."  
  
She looks at me, and I suddenly wonder who she really is, underneath the Sueification.  
  
"When I heard Giri was going to try and take over, I was determined that would never happen . . . I met her when she started, and she's so . . . she's the kind of person Middle Earth needs saving from. Then THAT story came along and I was out voted by the other teachers. She was sent in. But for some reason she didn't complete it"  
  
This is it I think. "It wasn't me . . . I mean I . . ."  
  
But she holds her hand up "That's not why I asked you here. Giri did come to see me and she did say it was some how your fault . . . between you and me, if it was, thank you . . . but there's no proof. No, I wanted to ask you if you wanted to be in this story."  
  
I look at the front page. It's called 'Don't Panic'. My heart accelerates. A canonical story! How perfect would that be?  
  
"Technically, I shouldn't be asking you this. The other teachers have already banned this story, saying it's unsuitable . . . Eru knows why! But I could try to over ride them . . ."  
  
And I bet I know what would happen . . . it wouldn't work at the best, and at the worst . . . she could get over thrown. Slowly, regretfully, I shake my head.  
  
She smiles as if she understands, and I go to leave. Stopping at the door, I turn around. "What's your name?"  
  
"Elizabeth" she answers. I smile, and leave . . . Who'd have thought it? We have much more in common than I would ever have imagined.  
  
(A/N) The perfect self insert mentioned in this chapter actually exists! Don't Panic is written by boz4PM, one of my favourite authors, and I HIGHLY recommend that you read it. It is a jewel of a story, and remains almost perfectly canonical at all times! Shoo, go read, and be amazed moved and awed!  
  
And next time on Diary of an Undercover Sue, we have details of Giri's torture! Plus plot development! 


	11. Torture of Giri! WAHOO!

*Holds hands up in apology* this one has taken a while, and I can only once again humbly beg forgiveness... I'm a baa-aa-aad Hirilnara  
  
Huinesoron - Here you go, Giri torture  
  
KittyCatBlack- Yup, I decided the headmistress was a victim of circumstance . . . It's the sort of hing that would happen for me, go to this school, try to find a good story, then one day, the sues are creeping up behind you and POW! You're sueified and the headmistress!  
  
The Noble Platypus - Eh-xcellent!  
  
Phaidra - Yep, "Don't Panic" is Boz4PM's story. I love it! Go read the sequel!  
  
Fireblade K'Chona - yes well, that didn't actually happen yet . . . I need to get back on track  
  
Dragon emperess - But the sues would have said it didn't count, and the headmistress is a good ally, so she needs to stay in power. The Protectors of the Plot Continuum are gods! They're linked from an earlier chapter, and you should go forth and read, and be saved!  
  
Lil angel/devil - I can't complain, I haven't updated since forever! I think the wait drove you (and a few other regulars) insane, sorry about that.  
  
Rylee Smith - Good, yes, roasted Giri!  
  
Gayahithwen - See, the headmistress was likable for a reason! It wasn't just an interesting plot twist to buy me some time . . . no, honestly, it wasn't! And trust me, for Lisa at least, it will NOT be easy!  
  
Merrylyn - GAH! Too jealous to reply properly!!!  
  
Tiri and Mary - *Hangs head* I'm sorry . . . you know I love you all, and I can't believe I've treated you so terribly . . . can you ever forgive me?  
  
Isilhen - Lol, cool!  
  
Nephthys - I feel so guilty, I hope this wasn't too TOO late  
  
I would also like to say HAPPY BIRTHDAY TIRI AND MARY! Hope this reaches you in time!  
  
Disclaimer – The academy, and all members of it, are mine. People mentioned in the academy and visitors to the academy are normally somebody else's, but I ask permission first, so I shouldn't get sued (in the legal sense, not the Giri sense). Middle Earth is Tolkien's and although I can't ask his permission, I can bow down in awe at his brilliance, and make a small stand against the vandals who mangle it.  
  
Diary of an Undercover Sue  
  
Chapter 11 - Torture of Giri! WAHOO!  
  
As they reached the open air outside of Moira, Lady Giritinuvielwen finally collapsed out of grief and exhaustion. Instantly prince Legolas was by her side.  
  
"My lady, do not weep" he comforted, whilst great salty pearls rolled down her flawless cheeks "You nearly saved Gandalf . . . No once could have asked for more"  
  
"But I sorrow greatly for the poor dear hobbits" she replied, her melodious voice catching in her smooth silky throat "Look how their poor hearts break . . . Such momentous burdens for such tiny people they carry already, and now . . ."  
  
"ENOUGH!" Two black robed elves strode into view from seemingly nowhere.  
  
'Lady' Giri pouted "What on earth are you doing here? I didn't write you into MY story!"  
  
"Believe me, SUE, I don't want to stay in this garbage for a second longer than I have to!" replied one of the hooded figures with a sneer. Legolas stepped forward and raised his bow, but the sneering elf raised a small dart gun and pulled the trigger. Legolas sank down into a deep, blessedly canonical, sleep. The other hooded figure ran forward and cradled his head in her lap, whispering soothing words about how "they'd soon be rid of the nasty sue and all this yucky blond hair"  
  
The other members of the fellowship, having been so poorly underwritten, were nothing more than shadows hovering in midair, and so they did nothing to come to Giri's aid.  
  
The elf with the gun rolled her eyes at her partner, still cooing at the sleeping Legolas, and pulled out a scroll "Giritinuvielwen" she sniggered "Shuddering Nightingale! I ask you" then, composing herself, she continued to read "You have been charged with being a Sue of the highest order; of claiming to be the best archer in middle earth yet merely grazing Legolas with your arrow when he snuck up on you in chapter one, of creating minis for most of Middle Earth's population, for flagrant disregard of the English language, horrific abuse of exclamation marks" she drew a breath, and Giri tried to interrupt.  
  
"Hey . . ."  
  
"For diminishing the power of the One Ring by being able to resist it, for owning a flying unicorn, for turning Legolas into a 2d cardboard cut out prince, for reducing the rest of the fellowship to bit parts, including but not exclusive of the stereotyping of Boromir as a male chauvinistic pig, Merry and Pippin as the comedy duo, Frodo as the helpless child, Sam as a simpleton and Gandalf as a know it all; for completely ignoring Gimli"  
  
"But he's ugly and BORING!" wailed Giri  
  
"For the famous one day walk from Rivendell to Moira" the hooded elf continued with a glint in her eye "For creating your own version of Sindarin, for royally annoying the ENTIRE PPC which is no mean feat, let me tell you, and finally, for breaking the rules of the Training Academy of Mary Sue's . . . I can't believe I had to say that one" she turned to her partner.  
  
"Well you did, so hurry up and dart her, so the torture can commence"  
  
Giri would have complained, but the tranquiliser dart in her neck put her straight to sleep and stopped her talking. . . God bless dart guns!  
  
Giri woke up in a forest somewhere. The hooded figure from before was sitting on a log looking at her.  
  
"Great, you're awake! Now, you're in for a treat. Usually the PPC frowns on Sue torture, but because you're such an exceptional case, the flowers are going to turn a blind eye. So, this is one of the un chartered regions of Middle Earth . . . I'm going to give you five minutes to start running, then I release the minis you helped create. I'd get going"  
  
Giri stood and stared  
  
"Four minutes"  
  
"Three . . . I'd really start running"  
  
"Two" he hooded elf drew an arrow from her quiver. Giri fled  
  
As she wove her way through the trees, she tried to understand what was going on. Little snippets pieced themselves together in her mind. She could hear creatures behind her . . . minis . . . like that one back at TAMS!  
  
As she tripped, as the minis drew closer, she made the link. As she was swallowed up in a huddle of fiery teeth and claws, as a blue portal opened behind her, as she went a little bit further insane, she screamed "LII-II- II-II-II-SS-SS-AA-AA-AA-AA- AA-AA-AA-AA-AA!!!"  
  
(A/N) I know, it's hardly worth the massive wait . . . let me get myself together, and the next one will be better and quicker! And I'll get on with the real plot. 


	12. Deepest Darkest Confessions!

Last time I updated too quickly I burnt myself out . . . Mustn't let that happen again! But here, after a small wait, is another chapter! With plot development! OO-OO-OO!  
  
Huinesoron - Yay, go PPC indeed! You've been stu'd? By who? Where? Why don't I know about this?  
  
The Noble Platypus - Glomps It's good to be back! Picnic? YAY for picnics! And don't worry, I have this story (and pancake fangirl) all archived on my computer now, safe and sound from the ee-ee-eevil bots!  
  
Fireblade K'Chona - Glad to hear it. And your grin doesn't scare me grins back  
  
Phaidra - Good good! Glad the story makes you happy! Hope your project is going well!  
  
Tiri and Mary - grins Thought you'd like that! Hope your birthday was fun . . . did Orlando and Haldir get you anything nice?  
  
LotPC - Yup, I promise . . . and you'll really like this chapter, I think!  
  
AAAclub - OO, new reviewer! OO-oo-oo-oo, chocolate bunny!! Look, I updated puppy dog eyes can I have the bunny now? Pwease?  
  
Dragon emperess - Here you go!  
  
Bulma Greenleaf - Glad you liked! Look, I updated again! GO ME! Hugs back  
  
Disclaimer – The academy, and all members of it, are mine. People mentioned in the academy and visitors to the academy are normally somebody else's, but I ask permission first, so I shouldn't get sued (in the legal sense, not the Giri sense). Middle Earth is Tolkien's and although I can't ask his permission, I can bow down in awe at his brilliance, and make a small stand against the vandals who mangle it.  
  
Diary of an Undercover Sue  
  
Chapter 12 - Deepest darkest confessions!  
  
Lying in bed, my personal CD player hidden under the sheets, I fight back a yawn. When I first came up to bed I wouldn't go to sleep in case Giri tried to extract some horrible revenge in the night. Giri's been asleep for an hour now, but I'm still reluctant to drop off.  
  
It's the dreams  
  
Since they started again I've had nine. Talking about it to Dafydd, we agreed if I had ten, I'd go back to base and tell Liliac.  
  
I really don't want to do that!  
  
But I'm so tired! All I want to do is close my eyes and escape . . . drift off . . . shouldn't hurt, I'm in control . . .  
  
Twirling, swirling, floating above the ground, swathed in silver silk so light it feels like mist, he holds my hand in his and my attention with his piercing blue eyes. "Finished running?" he smiles softly. Finally surrendering, I nod my head, helpless to resist as his smile widens. "Thank Eru . . . I didn't know how much longer I could wait. Oh, Lisa . . ." and his head dips down. I close my eyes; waiting for his kiss . . . It's soft as spring rain, feather light, perfect and right . . . No, this is wrong!  
  
I sit up, gasping for breath, a sinking feeling in my heart. There's no doubt about it now; I HAVE to go back to ISPCE!  
  
Next morning, I'm waiting outside the headmistress's door. I didn't get much sleep last night, thanks to HIM. Every time I closed my eyes, I felt that kiss again. My insides melt as I think about it, and I mentally kick myself. There's no help for me if I keep reacting like this. Finally the door opens, and one of the Sue teachers walks out. Midnight hair, summer sky eyes, moonlight fair skin . . . oh look, a budding weather woman! I poke my head around the door, to see the headmistress fuming.  
  
"Oh, hello Lisa . . . do come in" she tries to smile, but she looks frazzled all the same. I step inside and close the door.  
  
"What's the matter?" I step forward as she gestures to a chair, and sit down.  
  
"The teachers are petitioning for me to let Giritinuvielwen have another go in the same story, even though it's completely against the rules. . . I won't let her of course, but it's scary how much support she has gained amongst the staff. But I'm sure you didn't come here to hear my problems. How can I help you?"  
  
"Well, you see . . . I need to go . . . home" As much as I've grown to like the headmistress, I can't tell her about ISPCE. Not yet.  
  
"Under normal circumstances, I'm afraid you wouldn't be able to leave during turn time. We can't have you missing such fascinating lessons as "Make your eyes sparkle with love" she rolls her eyes "But, I think we can make an exception to the rule just this once. I'll go and get the form"  
  
She leaves, and I wait patiently. Inevitably my eyes are drawn to the walls. I can't help but remember how I felt when I first came in here. But with the spelling errors corrected, it's actually quite nice. I notice a photo on the wall, and get up to have a look. It's a tall, fairly gangly girl in a football kit, with short spiky black hair and a snub nose. I can't tell for sure but her eyes look brown. She's beaming at the camera, holding a trophy in both hands.  
  
I wonder who she is . . . perhaps she's the headmistress's daughter. What must it be liked trapped here, unable to see your family? At least I can talk to the people I care about, even if it's through secret reports and snatched conversations. I have Legolasto here as well, when it gets too tough. Does the headmistress have anyone? Well, she has me I suppose. She's trusted me enough to tell me about herself, even her real name . . . Suddenly I'm looking at the photo in a different light . . . it couldn't be . . . could it?  
  
She comes into the room muttering "If they're going to force me to be the headmistress, they could at least PRETEND to do what I say!"  
  
I turn away from the photo, and take the pass she's holding out to me. I'm about to leave when I have an idea.  
  
"Elizabeth" she looks up "Why don't you try looking up what Giritinuvielwen means?" and I walk out, smiling. That should cheer her up!  
  
It's strange being back in ISPCE, with normal coloured walls and tasteful decorations. Legolasto is having the time of his life, as everyone keeps stopping to stroke him. I finally make my way to Liliac's door, and stare at it, trying to build up the courage to knock.  
  
"Come in" she calls. It's so spooky how she does that! I open the door and walk in. She smiles at me, a genuine friendly smile  
  
"Lizzie! Great to see you. Was all that uncanoness getting you down?" She doesn't wait for an answer, but holds her arms open wide "Hello Legolasto! Why, aren't you just the cutest mini balrog ever?"  
  
He's happy to go and be hugged and stroked. I stand there, nervously, wondering how I'm meant to tell her about the dreams.  
  
"Huinesoron was in . . . such a cutey! Not as cute as you though" she coos to Legolasto "Um, where was I? Oh yes, he mentioned he'd been talking to Agent Dafydd, from the PPC? He seemed to think you might come for a visit soon. Something about dreams?"  
  
I swear she's a mind reader! "Yes, well you see, I've been having these dreams . . ." my throat dries up.  
  
"Yes well, everyone dreams, don't they?" she waves an unconcerned hand.  
  
There's no way around this. "Liliac, there's something I didn't tell you when you hired me. Something you're not going to like . . ."  
  
She looks up "Yes?"  
  
I take a deep breath "Liliac . . . I'm a secret Legolas Luster!"  
  
(A/N) Dun duun Duuuuuum! Bet you didn't see that one coming! Well, actually, bet you did . . . I didn't make a very good job of hiding it! But it's still a sort of cliff hanger! Will Lizzie get taken off the mission? Kicked out of ISPCE? Will I update before a month has passed? Well, I can tell you now, the answer to the last one is yes. But stay tuned in, for the next exciting instalment!  
  
Suddenly I have a craving for lemonade. Bonus points if you can work out why!  
  
P.S the eagle eyed amongst you might have noticed a slight amendment to this chapter . . . Accidental pancake crossover, but I've fixed it now. 


	13. Change of Plans

I should be revising, as my exams are fast approaching . . . so you get an update instead! I apologise for the delay, but I do kind of need to pass these ones.  
  
Liliac of the Purple Cloak - Yes, mini-balrogs are cute! Mini-Luggages? That's Discworld isn't it? Oh, so you're psychic are you? Well, bet you didn't see this coming mua ha ha – erk, fur ball!  
  
Isilhen – Aw, I'm sorry, but I don't think Giri would have written about Mekor . . . which character is that supposed to be? This is where my lack of bookverse knowledge shows me up! And Lizzie has a problem . . . she can't attend therapy; she has to stay under cover.  
  
Phaidra - Hmm, well, you see, I was thinking of the old R White's lemonade advert (I'm a secret lemonade drinker, R whites, R whites, I've been trying to give it up, but it's one of those nights). And don't worry about Lizzie leaving the academy just yet . . . I don't want to write myself into a total dead end  
  
Fireblade K'Chona - raises eyebrow I can't even see how you got your mind into the gutter in the first place. I was talking about the old R Whites ad (see my reply to Phaidra) Dare I ask you to explain?  
  
Rylee Smith - yes, you guessed. And trust me, your punctuation? Far from excessive. Ask Giri when she gets out of the hospital wing.  
  
The Noble Platypus - Heheheh yes, this chapter. I never noticed the alliteration, how careless and clumsy an oversight of the obvious. My mind must have momentarily meandered. So sorry!  
  
AAAclub - That's not a bad idea . . . I kind of already have somewhere for this story to go, but it's definitely a thought. CHOCOLATE BUNNIES!! YAY!!  
  
Eamane-Elanesse - Thank you very much for your review. I'm a big fan of the PPC, and I hoped that chapter 10 wasn't too far off the mark.  
  
Hellga - Glad you like the fic jaw drops you're from the PPC? I LOVE the PPC! Sorry, will be normal(ish) now. Aw, no time to read fics? That's bad. But if I had to pick one, I would have chosen Don't Panic as well . . . or possibly the sequel. But I'm afraid to say it's highly unlikely Giri will get another chance in a fic for a while. I'll keep your offer in mind though.  
  
Tiri and Mary - Hugs Heya! Great to see you back! Hope you enjoy the chapter!  
  
Disclaimer – The academy, and all members of it, are mine. People mentioned in the academy and visitors to the academy are normally somebody else's, but I ask permission first, so I shouldn't get sued (in the legal sense, not the Giri sense). Middle Earth is Tolkien's and although I can't ask his permission, I can bow down in awe at his brilliance, and make a small stand against the vandals who mangle it.  
  
Diary of an Undercover Sue  
  
Chapter 13 - Change of plans.  
  
Liliac raises an eyebrow at me "Is that meant to be funny?" When I shake my head, she raises the other eyebrow "You CAN'T be a Legolas Luster . . . you took the test when you signed up, like everyone else, and you had a negative result!"  
  
I look down at the floor "Yeah well, when I told Agent Dafydd about the dreams, he helped train me to control, and repress all of the feelings, and the dreams I'd been having. I was perfectly in control when I signed up . . . it's just that being in the academy has reawakened them"  
  
Liliac looked at her for a moment, then sighed "Ok, Lizzie. I'm disappointed you never told me before, but I have to admit, your work has been flawless. I'm going to need some time to decide what to do . . . you have free range of ISPCE; I'll send someone to find you when I've made up my mind"  
  
I nod, and shakily stand up. As I leave her office, I briefly consider going to the Theories department, but I don't think I can handle it. If I'm going to lose my job, I don't want to be reminded of what I have to leave behind. I wander the halls aimlessly and end up in the canteen. I order a hot chocolate, and sit on a table in a corner, staring into my cup. What can I do now? ISPCE has become my life . . . I can't think of anything else I could do.  
  
I briefly consider applying for the PPC again, but shake my head. I'm still not a killer, and I can't help shivering at the thought that if I did sign up, one day I'd end up killing Nicole of Sally, or Hannah, or one of a hundred girls like them. I couldn't risk doing that! I start to sniff, then whimper, then cry. Soon I'm sobbing into my hot chocolate. I'm sure I'm getting funny looks, but I can't stop.  
  
"Hey, are you all right?" I look up, but there's no one there. Then, recognising the voice, I look down. A duck billed platypus is looking up at me with concerned eyes, I smile, and her eyes widen.  
  
"Lizzie?"  
  
"Heya Platy" Platy, or to give her her full title, the Noble Platypus, is one of the best agents ISPCE has "Pull up a chair"  
  
Using the cross bar she climbs up, and leans on the table so we're level "I heard you got sent to some sue school . . . glad to see they didn't make you too ethereally beautiful . . . but I guess the stress got to you, huh?"  
  
"No . . . I mean, it wasn't a picnic, but I was coping" I swipe at a tear "The thing is Platy, I've just had to tell Liliac . . ."  
  
"You've just had to tell her . . . ?" Platy puts her head on one side  
  
"I half whisper, half mumble "I'm have a thing for Legolas"  
  
Platy nearly falls off the chair in shock "No!"  
  
I nod, and look down at my hot chocolate. I'll probably lose the respect of everybody here, but if I do get fired, they'll all find out anyway. "It's not just an Orlando Bloom thing . . . although that REALLY didn't help. I've always had a thing for Legolas, ever since I read the books"  
  
Platy sighs "Oh well. I can't say I blame you . . . But why on earth did you come to ISPCE?"  
  
"Are you kidding? I had to do something to save him from the Sue's. You know the sorts of things they do to his character as well as I do!" I stir my hot chocolate, and take a sip. It's weak and slightly bitter. "Well, this is something I won't miss anyway"  
  
"You haven't been fired?" gasps Platy.  
  
"Not yet . . . But I don't see what else she can do. She's making her mind up now, and then she's going to send someone to find me . . ."  
  
"Lizzie, here you are! And Platy too! Brilliant, I was scared I was going to have to go on another wild goose hunt!" Merrylyn, Liliac's assistant, is standing by my table, beaming down at as "Liliac's made up her mind, and would like to speak to you both."  
  
Silently I get up, and start to follow, Platy not far behind. I'm left in silence to think, until Merrylyn interrupts.  
  
"I don't blame you, you know. Lusting after Legolas I mean. The elf's a god of hotness!"  
  
I remember hearing the rumours about Merrylyn and an incident with an AU Legolas who was pancaking everybody, but I'm not really in the mood for conversation, so I just murmur quietly. We get to Liliac's door, and Merrylyn gives me a sympathetic smile before leaving again.  
  
"Sit down Lizzie. You too, Platy." Liliac leans forward on her desk "Now, I'm assuming Lizzie told you why she's back in ISPCE?"  
  
Platy nods, and opens her mouth to say something. Liliac interrupts.  
  
"I'm not going to fire her." Platy shuts her mouth again. Psychic, I tell you, she has to be! Liliac continues "Apart from it not being fair, Lizzie has already become well established at the academy, and I don't think we'd have so much success if we tried another agent. So, if you'd agree to it Platy, I'd like you to go back to the academy with Lizzie, and help her keep her . . . lusting under control"  
  
I can't help myself. I spring out of my chair, round the desk, and hug Liliac.  
  
"WIBBLE!" she shrieks, and I let go. She stares at me for a second, then brushes the wrinkles out of her cloak, and glances pointedly at my chair. I sit back down.  
  
Platy's trying not to laugh. "I'd be happy to help Lizzie on this mission, Liliac. Would you inform my partner, Pointy? Perhaps you could give her a holiday?"  
  
"Okay, sure." Liliac is still watching me warily, but she suddenly perks up "Legolasto will have to stay here, of course. You can't have two companions, can you?" And she goes off into a daydream, occasionally muttering about "Cute fiery little mini's"  
  
This is how I come to be standing at the portal back to TAMS, Platy at my side, waving goodbye to a beaming Liliac, and content Legolasto. They started to get on as soon as they met. I'm slightly jealous, but not complaining. I have a second chance to do my job. This time nothing's getting in the way!  
  
(A/N) Lizzie's so caught up in the moment, she's forgotten about dramatic irony! What will TAMS (or more likely, Giri) throw at her now?  
  
On a serious note, I do have my end of year exams coming up, so it is likely to be a while before I next update. I do apologise, but reality does occasionally get it's claws into me. I'll try and fight it off soon! 


	14. New kid sorry, platypus in class

Hirilnara tries to creep in unnoticed, but bumps into something. All eyes turn to face her

Uh, hi . . . yes I know it's been ages, and although I have many good reasons (excuses) including the fact that as soon as I finished typing this up, decided to crash and wouldn't let me log on to upload! But I think the important thing is I'm back, and there's a new chapter to read, yes? Yes. Good. Plus I passed my exams!

Phaidra - I'm a HUGE Platy fan, and it really is an honour to have her guesting in my fics! And I'm afraid you'll think firing Lizzie would have been the kindest option once I'm through with her!

Fireblade K'Chona - Thanks for the offer, but I'm afraid this is now heading in a direction that won't really involve that kind of chaos

Hellga - Personally (for me anyway) it's a Bloom thing, but even that's wearing off. For Lizzie – I don't know, just an elf thing I guess . . . I hadn't thought in quite enough detail why she would lust after him . . . just a human weakness I guess! And yay, chemistry does rock!

Liliac of the Purple Cloak - If Liliac had reacted as you would in real life, Lizzie would most probably have been glomped to death way before this mission began for the hair comment. Ah well, c'est la vie!

The Noble Platypus - I hope this isn't too out of character for you . . . tell me if I need to change anything! And I do look forward to Platy helping Lizzie!

AAAClub - Thanks for your encouragement! Here you go as a reward for your patience!

Huinesoron - Yes, much much fun!

Rylee Smith - hehehe, hope this doesn't disappoint you!

Lady Rumbottom - Yay, a new reader! Glad you're enjoying it so far!

Spoofmaster - You are correct sir! And here's another chapter to take up some of your time!

Tiri and Mary - huggles I'm so sorry babe! I hope this isn't too late to bring a tiny bit of cheer into your life . . . and may the rest of the summer be filled with ice cream and good cheer!

Disclaimer – The academy, and all members of it, are mine. People mentioned in the academy and visitors to the academy are normally somebody else's, but I ask permission first, so I shouldn't get sued (in the legal sense, not the Giri sense). Middle Earth is Tolkien's and although I can't ask his permission, I can bow down in awe at his brilliance, and make a small stand against the vandals who mangle it.

Diary of an Undercover Sue

Chapter 14 - New kid . . . sorry, platypus . . . in class.

A few moments before the end of the last chapter

"Platy, NO!"

"Aww, come on Lizzie . . . No one will find them, and if Giri's as bad as you've made out, I'll need them!"

"Platy, you can NOT bring your poison spurs . . . someone WILL notice if you start killing off the students."

"Oh, but . . ."

"If I have to come over there and go through that bag myself, you know that blind eye I was turning will start seeing very clearly again!"

"Fine, I won't take the spurs. I don't really need them"

"And what's that meant to mean?"

"Only that I can bite. Lighten up Lizzie"

"That's another thing" I turn around to face her "At the academy, you're going to have to call me Lisa . . . and you'll have to act cuteish"

"What the FORK!" Platy glares at me

"Hey, at least you can talk! Although that might be risky if you swear all the time"

"Fork isn't swearing" Platy pulls a face "But fine. I'll do the Disney fluffy critter act, in public"

And after all of this, I was still optimistic as I stepped into the transporter. How dumb can I get?

I had a quick painless greeting from the headmistress, followed by a very painful double charm school for beginner's lesson. Unfortunately I was late in, so I had to sit near the front, and I couldn't talk to Nicole or Sally. I spent most of the lesson planning my strategy for getting onto the staff, and canonizing the school. Platy, too busy being horrified as the teacher demonstrates yet another style of smile (the shy reverted-from-evil-by-love smile) doesn't say much, apart from a hissed "Forking hell" now and then. I think she's in shock, poor thing.

Finally the lesson is over, and I wait at the door for Nicole and Sally "You don't have to do the Disney act with these two" I whisper to Platy "They're all right". Platy's still staring into space with a dazed look in her eyes.

"Hey Lisa, welcome back!" Nicole hitches her bag higher onto her shoulder "The headmistress told us you had to go home, some sort of family emergency?" I shrug and Sally cuts in before I have to think of a suitable excuse . . . this deception is really starting to wear me down.

"Lisa, is that a duck-billed platypus?"

"Yes. Sally this is Platy, Platy this is Sally, and Nicole" Platy gives a dazed smile, but Sally frowns "Lisa, you can only have one companion, it's in the rules . . . otherwise you might be, you know . . ."

"Expelled" a voice filled with obvious relish butts in. I don't need to turn around to know who it is, but I do anyway.

"Giri, so nice to see you out of the hospital wing. Shame they couldn't heal all the burns huh?"

Giri instantly puts her hand to a shiny pink patch on her cheek and scowls "I don't know HOW you got away with that, but you're in trouble now . . . even your friend, the soon to be former headmistress can't save you when the staff find out you have TWO companions."

I know she's just bluffing . . . Elizabeth told me that "Ol' Shuddering isn't getting another go at that story" so I don't rise to the bait. "But I don't have two companions. When I realized how much conflict Legolasto was causing, I took him home and brought Platy instead . . . I'd hate to do ANYthing against the rules . . . you never know what trouble you could get into" I raise my eyes to a small bald patch on her head, and her scowl deepens.

"Fine, so you took the fireball home . . . I'll still get you on something, mark my words. And if you were going to swap companions, why didn't you pick something cute, instead of this scrawny thOO-OOWW-WW-WW!"

Giri makes the mistake of poking Platy, who instantly retaliates by demonstrating what an effective weapon her bite is. By the time I convince her to let go, Giri's back on her way to the hospital wing, and we all can't stop laughing. Platy spends the lunch break getting acquainted with Sally and Nicole, and leaves me to dream up my plan of attack.

A week later, and even the Charm teacher has to (grudgingly) give me full marks for my pout. I've been working hard in all my lessons. Some, (like animal care, and English) are a pleasure to excel in . . . others are less enjoyable. But every time I feel disgusted with myself I sneak a glance at the forever deepening scowl on Giri's face, and it all seems worthwhile. Plus I have Platy to talk to when I need a break from all the lies. I honestly don't see what can go wrong!

Giri leant back from her desk, and smiled for the first time since her trip into Middle Eath. So Lisa Dovewhite thought she could escape her revenge by being good in class did she? She had been a thorn in her side since the day she arrived, and Giri finally had the solution. She lifted up the pink pages in front of her, and her smile deepened to a scary degree. Yes, this would be the PERFECT way of getting Lisa out of her beautiful silky hair . . . permanently!

(A/N) Mwahaha! So what does Giri have planned? Wait and see! Sorry this is quite short after the indecently lengthy wait, but I'm now back on track with the plot, so updates should be a bit more regular now!


	15. Something smells baaaad and it’s not ...

Gah, just read back over the last chapter, and apart from the whole "Nicole hitches her back higher onto her shoulder" (I still don't know quite how I managed that one) I also seemed to slip in to past tense at some point. Scribbles a note to rewrite chapter at some point. Puts note on pile. Gets buried by avalanche of the note mountain 

I have loads of stuff to arrange; going back to university in 11 days, into a flat we've rented, and sorting out the necessities – internet, electricity, food, heating, in that order . . . what I'm trying to do is apologise for my shoddy updating schedule.

The Noble Platypus – YAY, a hugtackle! Glomps back! I promise to try and keep you in character, but since you're a person not a character I obviously will exaggerate slightly! And yes, a scheme . . . a schemey scheme!

Racetrack's Goil – YAY, new reader! wonders if she can yay for every review. Grins evilly Well, for now you have to do the sue thing, but Lizzie has a plan . . . no, more of a dream . . . actually, let's forget the dreams, they were bad!

Phaidra – YAY, Platy cult! I think the bald spot could very well be permanent, would certainly cheer me up no end!

Isilhen Daegol – YAY, returning reader! Ah, I see . . . LOL, yep, Liliac's so-oo put upon! And I would commercial break, but it'd probably give the fanfics bots a reason to boot me mumble, mutter and I haven't got it all backed up yet!

Dragon emperess – YAY, I created intrigue! Running out of YAY reasons . . . must . . . keep . . . yaying Soon find out . . . it's diabolical, I'll tell you that much!

Fireblade K'Chona – YAY, you think it's great! And yes, Platy is tres awesome!

Spoofmaster – YAY, a dance! I'm pretty sure lots of people would like to see more than her just bitten but hey . . . I'm working on it! I'm sorry, no more waiting (till the end of the chapter, mwa ha ha!)

Rylee Smith – YAY, beating up Giri! I think Platy has more fans than Lizzie already. Pokes tongue out at Platy – fan hog ;-) 

Tiri and Mary – YAY it's you! Cuddles and updates There, just what the doctor ordered! Lol at poor Orlando gives Orlando shiney stuff AND a kiss your reviews, though slightly predictable in the requesting more story, are fun and original in ever other way! I'm so lucky!

Keeper-of-sues – YAY, another new reader! Longer chapters hmm? I'll try, but no promises. More lessons . . . think I can manage that for this chapter, but afterwards . . . let's just say lessons will be the least of Lizzie's worries!

Lady Iorny – YAY, new name! and YAY happy reviewer!

And finally YAY! I yayed every review! Gingerbread Sues all round (They have candy floss hair and gumdrop eyes, and skirts of course!)

Disclaimer – The academy, and all members of it, are mine. People mentioned in the academy and visitors to the academy are normally somebody else's, but I ask permission first, so I shouldn't get sued (in the legal sense, not the Giri sense). Middle Earth is Tolkien's and although I can't ask his permission, I can bow down in awe at his brilliance, and make a small stand against the vandals who mangle it.  
  
Diary of an Undercover Sue  
  
Chapter 15 – Something smells baa-aad . . . and it's not the rose water!

" . . . And so, when in Middle earth, remember to gather together various flowers . . . Roses, violets, lavender . . . for later use"

Natures make up Kit. Oh joy! I mean, it would be interesting to find out how these Sues stay perfectly groomed when trekking across mountains and through woods, but the stuff in this class is useless! I swear, it'd be more practical to suggest building a mall than some of the things this teacher has said. Platy's keeping herself amused by grinning wickedly, showing off all her teeth, at Giri whenever she looks this way.

The teacher babbles on "For perfume I suggest a few rose petals, soaked in fresh spring water and a few drops of dew . . .

"That wouldn't work!"

For once, it's not me interrupting . . . It's actually Hannah, Giri's ex follower. Recently she's been spending less and less time with her . . . I knew that girl had potential!

"I tried that when I was younger . . . you get a horrible brown sludge and it smells icky!"

"Uh . . . well, you probably didn't use spring water." the teacher tries to make a point and gain control, but the rest of the class is off.

"Yeah I tried that once . . . I crushed lavender up and squashed it into my mum's perfume bottle . . . boy was she mad!"

"I had a proper perfume making set when I was younger . . . I used to make presents for all my friends, until my brother mixed up all the oils and spoilt it"

"I never liked perfume, ever since my big sister told me it was toilet water!"

I sit back and giggle. I can't help but glance across to Giri to see how she's taking this. Worryingly, she's smiling smugly, as she tries to clip her hair to cover her bald spot. She sees me looking and her smile deepens. Platy snaps her teeth together with an audible SNIK and Giri looks away. But she's still smiling. A smiling Giri means trouble. BIG trouble.

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Eventually the lesson comes to an end, and I run up to the dorm to dump my books for lunch. Platy starts prowling round the room, snorting at the posters and the pink frilly things scattered everywhere.

There's a note on my pillow. Wondering who it's from, I unfold it. It's the headmistress.

Dear Lisa

I hope this gets to you uninterrupted. I have been sent (by the other staff) on a "training seminar" . . . Since I have been here many years without needing any training, I smell a rat. I will try and get back as quickly as possible, since I think you are in danger. You see, I have found out that . . .

I hear something rip and look up. Platy is sitting on Giri's bed, a sleeve of her silk nighty in her mouth. A horrible pink think with fluffy lining on the neck and cuffs . . . it makes me shudder to look at it, but I could get in real trouble if Platy destroys it!

"Platy NO!" I race across and try to wrestle it away from her. Finally I tug most of it free. The sleeve remains in Platy's mouth.

"Too . . . pink . . . and . . . fluffy" pants Platy. I can't help but feel sorry for her . . . as an ISPCE agent she's not used to prolonged exposure to Sue's.

"Come on . . . we'll go down to lunch" I toss the nighty under the bed . . . perhaps I can get it blamed on someone else's companion . . . and carry her out of the room. I've completely forgotten the note

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I'm in Caring for your animal Companions when the secretary glides down to the area. "Lisa Dovewhite . . . come with me"

I exchange worried looks with Nicole, Sally and Mornhill, before swinging my rucksack onto my back and following after her. My mind starts to whirl . . . I haven't caused any trouble for weeks now, whatever could they want?

"You've been chosen for a story" says the secretary . . . great, is she one of these sues gifted with telepathy? Now, this is news I've been hoping to hear for a long time, but I don't like the smile on the secretaries face . . . I know she doesn't like me, so if she's smiling, I won't like my story. Her smile means as much bad news as . . .

I smell a rat. A blonde rat. A slightly char grilled rat, with a hint of pink frilly trouble.

"It's absolutely perfect for you . . . could have been written with you in mind."

"Giri" I mutter under my breath. How could I be so stupid! The smiles, the smugness . . . Obviously Giri's been up to her tricks again, and I bet she had the staff on her side. "Do I have to do this story?" I ask, trying to keep up

"Not if you don't mind being expelled" grins the secretary. She ushers me up through the main door, and down a series of corridors.

"Can't I get my stuff" I'm starting to panic . . . If I can't get news to Liliac or Dafydd, I'm likely to be a PPC magnet! The headmistresses note comes back to me . . . this must have been what she was trying to warn me about.

"No time" she says, disgustingly cheerfully, as she all but shoves me through a door. There's a whole group of staff in there, so escape's out of the question. I'm tugged towards the portal in the middle of the floor.

"Any last requests?" laughs the archery teacher.

"Sure . . . when I'm a teacher, I want my room as far from yours as possible" that wipes the grin from her face.

Suddenly I'm falling forwards into a shower of electric blue sparks and endless black . . . alone, utterly alone in the darkness. . .

I land with a bump, in the middle of a non descript open field. I look around, wondering what to do next.

That's when Platy sticks her head out of my rucksack "That was trippy . . . let's do it again!" she grins.

(A/N) And I'll leave it there me thinks . . . need to work out the details of Giri's latest "masterpiece" . . . It's going to be horrific, I've had scenes a phrases floating through my mind since I got the idea, way back at the beginning. Hope it's not too cliff hangery!


	16. A very Disney Sue

I'm a bad authoress – that is my only comment on the absurdly long wait (plus I didn't have internet for, like, a month and I have coursework and lab write ups and societies and stuff) but yeah – bad Hirilnara. I hope all my simply perfect reviewers forgive me.

Notes on this chapter – words in italic are intended to be lifted from Giri's manuscript, so if they seem especially bad – they're meant to be. I couldn't do too much deliberately bad spelling past the authors note though – it pained me too much. The rest is sort of not meant to be bad.

The Noble Platypus - Yes you have fans – I'm pretty sure you have a cult following to be precise but I'm getting off the point – you have fans because you ARE cool (and a massively brilliant writer!) and not because of how I or anyone else writes you. FACT. No teeth probably aren't anatomically correct but they ARE fun, to be honest, and they make life for Giri so much more painful so how can I not include them? And WAHOO, Platy in the UK! You HAVE to let me know what's happening ! ! !

Isilhen Daegol - Writing, honest – I'm just not writing very quickly blushes

Fireblade K'Chona - I do NOT sulk sulks LOL, thanks for the heads up on the stars, need a new method now – dammit

Phaidra - Oh definitely permanent bald spot – Yes it's a Giri story – and it's as bad as I can make it. Shake in fear!

Neko the Ninja - Ok this isn't really ASAP but I did update – do I get bonus points for that? And Giri lumps are official being saved up – maybe I can have an out of story interactive chapter ponders whether that's enough to get Fanfiction on my case

Keeper-of-sues - If you go crazy, you're probably in good company – I'm mad as a hatter! LOL at the nighties – that sounds like it was me-inspired grins wickedly I think I understand you too – smile it's all good!

Rylee Smith - It was coming all along – you must have seen it and from what I've done to her already you know it won't be pretty – well it will, but therein lies the problem. Lizzie appreciates your sympathy

Targeter - Sincerest apologies for causing insomnia, that was never ever my intention I assure you. Glad you're enjoying them though!

Tiri and Mary - Of course I missed you! And it's my own darn fault for taking so long!

One page of reviewer responses – I think I'm losing my touch.

DISCLAIMER – The academy, and all members of it, are mine. People mentioned in the academy and visitors to the academy are normally somebody else's, but I ask permission first, so I shouldn't get sued (in the legal sense, not the Giri sense). Middle Earth is Tolkien's and although I can't ask his permission, I can bow down in awe at his brilliance, and make a small stand against the vandals who mangle it.

Diary of an Undercover Sue

Chapter 16 - A very Disney Sue.

"Lizzie" I keep my eyes tight shut

"Lizzie, you have to open your eyes."

"No I don't . . . If I open my eyes I'll see the hills and the words and what she's turned me into, and then I'm likely to scream."

Silence – That isn't fair. Sitting in the dark with Platy talking to me I can handle – I can pretend I'm in the dorm and it's night. Sitting in the dark and silence, not knowing what's going on . . .

I open one eye. Platy's sitting in front of me, one eye ridge raised. I open my other eye, and she smiles. I try to focus on her, but the rest of the world swims into focus. The wide open plains, the hills in the background and not far off a bubbling river _gurgling like a chuckling baby_ . . .

I shake my head . . . that's a Giri type description (I'd never link babies and rivers – it just doesn't work) and I REFUSE to let her into my head. But while I'm busy thinking this, I seem to have stood up, and started walking towards the "baby" river.

"Um, Lizzie, perhaps you better catch your breath first?" Platy sounds worried, but a million miles away, like she's back at ISPCE, or TAMS. My wobbly feet take me to the river and I look in.

A couple of miles away, a flock of birds is startled into flight by my scream.

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"Lizzie, please take your hands away from your eyes?"

I shake my head fiercely. "No. If I can't see it, it isn't real."

"Technically it's not real anyway"

I spread my fingers so one eye can glare at her.

"Seriously – it's just all a figment of Giri's warped imagination. You can get through this; then no one can deny that you'll have beaten her!"

I sigh in defeat, and prise my fingers away from my eyes. This time I manage to look at myself without wincing . . . much. The hair is a brighter red than before, my ears are now pointy and Barbie is looking realistically proportioned again.

"It's just an exaggerated version of Lisa – a grossly, Giri-fied version of Lisa" I mutter to myself, trying to come to terms with the fact I am a Sue. In Giri's story.

I'm doomed.

"Nothing's happening" Platy looks around, then a startled horrified look crosses her face. "Forking hell, I really don't believe I said that . . . I didn't mean it, I didn't mean it . . . "

Too late. Suddenly my mind is filled with the title, like a booming loudspeaker, that's strangely audibly pink.

_Thawing the Ice Queen – A Middle Earth Romance_

"That would explain the brief interlude of generic scenery" I start, but my words are almost immediately drowned out by a loud, jarring, authors note.

_AN – HI!!-!!-!! ITS ME AGAIN SECRET BIRDSONG_

"Oh how clever – Shuddering Nightingale goes undercover" I mutter, my hands over my ears in a futile attempt to protect my brain from the onslaught. Platy, who has no such defensive option available to her, just whimpers in response.

_THIS'S A STORY BOUT LISATHWIEN, PRINCESS OF ZWIRTH, THE LOST ELVISH CITY – I KNOW THIS IS A NEW CHARACTER 4 ME BUT IM SURE PEOPLE WILL GET TOTALLY IMMERSED. R&R PLEASE!!-!!-!!_

"Oo-oo, that evil, twisted maniacal . . ." Platy's pacing back and forth agitatedly, but I gesture her to be quiet. There's another author note, more ordered and definitely less intrusive.

_(A.N Just to say, this is NOT my story – I am posting it for a friend, and on their express wishes have made no changes to the original manuscript. I have passed on my regular readers suggestions that the author should activate a new account (though I really had to clean them up – I'm sure she IS trying guys, be nice!) but for now this story is hosted here. Sorry)_

And without further warning, I'm yanked into the story.

_Lisathwien fled through the forest, her scarlet locks snarled in branches and twigs as she passed as fleet as a doe. She cried startled sobs, trying to escape her pursuer._

I can't help but follow the words – the spirit of the sue compels me to follow Giri's instructions. I try and look around for Platy, but the general fleeing from the mystery terror gets in the way.

"Don't worry Lizzie" I hear her voice from the general direction of my bag "I managed to grab on before the time slip kicked in – wouldn't miss this ride for the world!"

I grin, or at least I would if I wasn't so busy sobbing.

_Suddenly Lisathwien tripped and fell, sprawling across the ground. She rolled over to see her pursuer, a lumbering orc, bearing down on her with an evil glint in his eye. Quick as a blink, Lisathwien drew an arrow from her quiver and calmly shot the orc between his eyes, sending him reeling backwards with a stupid stunned look on his face._

"Which begs the question" I pant, trying to catch my breath "Why I was fleeing, sobbing through the forest when I could kill him with one arrow?"

But before Platy can respond a husky, familiar voice breaks into my thoughts.

"_Most impressive my lady"_

_Lisathwien looked behind her to see the most stunningly beautiful, upside down man looking down at her with an almost dreamy look on his face. Lisathwien was stunned._

"And the Award for Redundancy Award goes to . . ." mutters Platy, but my brain is stalled. He looks absolutely amazing, sunlight glinting between the leaves and highlighting golden strands playfully teased by a convenient passing breeze. Leg-o-la . . .

"OUCH!" Platy has seized my fingers with her bill and is exerting far more than a reasonable pressure. I remember this isn't really Legolas, merely Giri's 2D representation – he still looks delicious though "OW" I swear Platy just bit down harder! I wrench my hand away and shoot her a dirty look. She smiles back innocently.

"_Are you okay my lady?" Legolas stared down at the beautiful stranger in concern, bewitched by her exotic beauty. Lisathwien looked down at herself to check for wounds –_ "because you'd need to look, you couldn't feel them" I mutter under my breath – _and realised her dress was torn and disarrayed. She sat up with her back to the stranger and said icily "Fine, thank you. Now if you'd care to put your eyes back in your head, Sir, and give me the courtesy of your name?"_

'Great – I'm a priss' I think to myself, and a cursory glance at the words shows Legolas thinks so to. Great, just forking great. Just wait till I get my hands on Giri . . . but at least I kind of see the warped logic of the chase scene – what better way to get a prissy character scantily dressed within minutes of meeting the hero. However evil she is, I'm going to have to concede that Giri is not an idiot – which makes her a hundred times more dangerous.

"_I am glad you came to no harm my lady" Legolas chilled in response to her frosty tone "But this is not a safe time – where to are you headed?"_

"_Rivendale – I have urgent business" said Lisathwien._

"Rivendell, Rivendell, Rivendell" I can hear Platy muttering in the background. I'm still wincing over what I assume is Giri's attempt at oldie English.

"_What a coincidence – I'm headed that way too. I insist you travel with me." Legolas smiled in an attempt to warm this flame haired stranger in front of him but she merely smiled wanly back. "If you insist."_

Great – a journey with my lust object, with me acting like the snow queen – at least I have Platy chaperoning.

(A/N) It's not great, but it's better than the first two drafts I went through. Hopefully the next chapter won't take too long – I really do try, honest.


	17. Hi Ho, Hi Ho, it's to Rivendale we go

I know I know, this is being updated before the next millennium – what can I say, I was inspired and relaxing – I'm not well.

Notes on this chapter – words in italic are intended to be lifted from Giri's manuscript (unless they're obviously not, like at the end), so if they seem especially bad – they're meant to be. The rest is sort of not meant to be bad.

Phaidra - Glad you're happy with the update! And yes, what scares me the most is I can convincingly write Giri style – at least I know it's the exception to the rule (I HOPE it's the exception . . . )

The Noble Platypus - Yup, that's your official job title (apart from Babysitting Lizzie when overtaken with lust, and providing witty comments when Lizzie is bound by words and cannot. And other assorted stuff) And I'm afraid the Award for Redundancy Award was probably lifted from somewhere else – I'm 99 sure it's not mine, but I can't remember whose it is and I'm so used to using it now – yeah, thanks!

Neko the Ninja - YAY, bonus points! Hehe, lumps have been duly deposited. And look, I DID update soon, a real rarity for me!

Fireblade K'Chona - Been trying out alternatives, will have to see how they work out. And don't worry, Lizzie's tougher than that – she's also my main character so I CAN'T kill her off. As for the PPCer thing – I'm afraid I've already got that covered. See end of chapter. Hehe hehe

Lady Iorny - Demand acknowledged and obeyed

Rylee Smith - Would you look at that, I actually did! Go me!

Micheala90 - Lol, thank you (blushes) I'm glad you're having fun – and to think, this started as a project to kill time between another authors updates . . . Are there rules against funniness? You'll have to prove it (Hunts down the book and removes and eats the relevant pages) And no fangirl armies, please – it will delay the story.

Poolbum - Yay, new reader! I'm afraid I haven't read the books, and the only fact I know about Haldir is he's the elf in the battle scene that didn't actually die in the books even though they saw fit to kill him off in the movie. So I doubt I'll get a cookie. :-( Woe is me.

WAHOO! 200 reviews! Beanie Legolasto's all round!

DISCLAIMER – The academy, and all members of it, are mine. People mentioned in the academy and visitors to the academy are normally somebody else's, but I ask permission first, so I shouldn't get sued (in the legal sense, not the Giri sense). Middle Earth is Tolkien's and although I can't ask his permission, I can bow down in awe at his brilliance, and make a small stand against the vandals who mangle it.

Diary of an Undercover Sue

Chapter 17 - Hi Ho, Hi Ho, it's to Rivendale we go

_The journey passed in frosty silence_

Now, I'm not one hundred percent sure that Giri purposely intended her metaphor to result in subzero temperatures, but seeing as I'm wearing "a modestly low cut, fine silk gown of palest blue moonshine…" that's been as good as ripped to shreds by the chase I just had to put up with and now lets in every breeze, no matter how slight, I'm putting my money on the fact she somehow knew EXACTLY what she was doing.

_Every attempt Legolas made at conversation was made with polite rebuttal._

The first time this happened I almost started talking to him – Platy put a stop to that with a snap of her teeth. But since then I've realised the extent of this Legolas's repartee is "Nice weather" and "Do you come here often" and now it's quite easy to follow the words and ignore him.

For the main part.

Why does he have to look so GOOD?

And how come Giri can spell rebuttal but can't string a sentence more complex than "Aren't I pretty?" together without making a mistake? The mysteries of the suvian mind!

To distract myself from the journey I go over everything I know to help me get through this mission. I have to make it to the end of the story, in a suitable sue-ish fashion, to get my chance at a position on the staff. And I have to do that to keep my job at ISPCE. And I just HAVE to keep my job . . .

I take a deep breath, which sets 2D Legolas off on his mindless pleasantries again. To block him out I go over a conversation I had with Mornil one lunchtime.

x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x

"So something puzzles me" I lean back against a tree outside Mornil's hut and look across at him "How come loads of students don't drop out due to "stress"?" I wiggle my fingers in the air to make my point. "I mean, the PPC must get all of the stories, so you think the sues would be dropping like flies"

"Ah but you see, normally the students never encounter the PPC – anytime they get into the story the students are pulled out and told they've completed enough for a judgement to be passed. That girl I told you about was a lapse"

"I don't understand – how do the staff know to pull them out? And why was the girl in your story different" I stroke Legolasto gently along his spine and he rumbles his appreciation.

"There's a viewing screen – I think it's in the portal room. Normally there's a teacher on duty, checking the student's behaving sue-ish enough. In the case of my story" Mornil shivers slightly at the memory "I think the teacher had left the room or something – probably ran out of eye shadow or some other emergency" he adds in a mutter.

"So someone's watching the story most of the time?"

"Yes. Tell you what – if you do succeed with this hare-brained scam to get yourself into a story, I'll come in when I can to check on you."

I grin, suddenly choked – no matter what, there are people in this hell, and out of it, who care about what happens – Liliac, Dafydd, Mornil, Sally, Nicole – and I won't let them down. All I can say is a quiet "Thanks".

x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x

The knowledge that someone is watching me – possibly friend, probably foe – is unsettling. What if Giri's watching? I wouldn't put it past her to convince a teacher to let her in. Well, I'll just have to give her a show worth watching.

But before I can plot and plan I realise we're at "_Rivendale_". I swap a look with Platy, who immediately starts thumping her head against the saddle. I feel the same.

_King Elrond stepped out from the impressive marble entrance of his palace_ – "He isn't a King and hasn't got a palace, twit" I mutter – _and walked down to great the two elves._

_Lady Lisathwien Elrond said worriedly "Are you okay?"_

"And that, kiddies, is a prime example of why speech marks are a GOOD thing" mutters Platy, as before our eyes Lord Elrond takes on several characteristics of Lisathwien. Red hair really doesn't suit him, and for the curves . . .

I'm saved from answering, perversely, by the words.

_Legolas looked at King Elrond in shock "Lisathwien? Not . . ."_

"_Yes Legolas, this is Lady Lisathwien, Princess of the Zwirth, that noble and mysterious race of elves thought lost to time and all knowledge forgotten, she has travelled many miles on my request to join us at our council and hopefully share some of their secret mysteries with us."_

"And breathe" I mutter as he finishes off rattling out that impressively long introduction. I swear he looks just a tinge purple. Of course I could be asking how Legolas recognised my name when by all accounts this mystery race I'm now a pat of is just a little bit secret, but I think I'm learning. And for goodness sake, where the hell did she get Zwirth from? That is SO not Tolkien.

_Lisathwien nodded at Elrond "I am fine my Lord, but if it will cause no issue, I will rest a while before your council?"_

"Best idea I've heard all day" I whisper to Platy as Elrond nods and Legolas looks _wistfully at the retreating back of, rumour had it, the most powerful woman ever to grace the ground of Middle Earth. And, unfortunately for his poor heart, the coldest. _

Great. Great great great. Can my life get any worse?

x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x

Deep in the bowels of the PPC headquarters, in response centre # 7219 a console beeped into life.

BEEP

"Shut up"

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP

"Please shut up?"

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP

"I'm just going to ignore you now"

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP! BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP! BEEEEEP BEEEEEP BA-BEEEEEP BEEEEP BEEEEP BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!

Cursing in Quenya, a dark cloaked figure levered himself out of his chair. Shooting a look at his partner he muttered "I'll get that shall I?"

No response from the other chair. He sighed and walked over to the console. "Not another..." His voice tailed off as he read the summary. Silently, he flicked over to the Words of the story, and read through that as well. Then he sighed. "Dear _Manwe_... where in Angamando did they pull _that_ from?" Reading further he scowled, and cursed again.

His partner looked up "Problem?"

"Oh no. No problem. Just a Sue I am going to take GREAT pleasure in killing." Dafydd turned around and walked to the weapon rack. "Get ready Selene – this Sue's going to BURN!"

(A/N) So there you go – things can ALWAYS get worse. So what next? Will I manage another update this century? Hopefully yes.


	18. The big powWow

Thunder, lightning. A flickering candle illuminates a blanket, covering a humanoid shape. Electricity suddenly sparks up, and in a shower of sparks the figure starts to move. An eerie voice screams "It's ALIVE!" -

Yeah - the above – a simple I'm back didn't seem appropriate somehow. I've no idea what happened, there was the exams, then the results, and somewhere between here and there writers block jumped on for the ride . . . All I can say is I'm sorry, and hopefully this chapter will go some of the way to make up for the absence – feel free to pelt me with pancakes, I fully deserve it.

Phaidra - Lol, I'm glad even in the depths of suedom, I can still write interesting stuff – I THINK I'll take that as a compliment. And no, Dafydd definitely doesn't know – is it just me or does that smell like trouble?

Fireblade K'Chona - Yeah, I know – I just hope my deliberate mickey take somehow neutralises the fact I'm misspelling it every time . . .

The Noble Platypus - -Grins- Thanks, first time ever I think! The PPC is definitely not a good thing in this instance (I don't think Dafydd's had a chance to burn stuff in a while), and Giri's gone just insane enough to believe in them . . . The scent of trouble is definitely getting stronger!

Huinesoron - You keep on building that killing instinct – when it's time I want no trace of Giri left – will take a while though. Either or both is all good you know!

Noldo - Nope, entirely my own imaginings – probably shouldn't be admitting that. Thanks for the positive comments – I only wish I'd updated sooner, I can't believe it's taken me so long!

Gayahithwen - Thanks for coming back! It's really nice that people stick with me, even when I pull stunts like vanishing without trace occasionally. Yup, Lego lusting, as crimes go, is pretty bad in the world of ISPCE, but she had to be, otherwise I had the feeling she'd just be another sue . . . and this way she has to suffer that little bit more. Of COURSE I'm not a sadist! My plans for the academy will eventually reach fruition, but not after a lot of work on Lizzie's part.

I'm glad Giri is hateable – that's something I've never been too good at before, making hateable baddies – they're always comical rather than pure evil. The story isn't a complete mess because I can't actually stand to write anything like that – and yes, real logic does apply. I'm going to move on to the next reviewer now, this reply is looking a tad on the long side!

KittyCatBlack - I think you're one of many people who would love to take a shot at Giri, including me! Any ideas on how to make my writing less passive? I'd really appreciate any advice you could offer!

Rylee Smith - Yes, poor Lizzie –tries not to burst into evil laughter- Mwahahah! –oops-

Liliac of the Purple Cloak – and that threat just shows how long it's been since I last updated – bad Hirilnara!

Pyschopathic Maniac Girl - Thank you

DISCLAIMER – The academy, and all members of it, are mine. People mentioned in the academy and visitors to the academy are normally somebody else's, but I ask permission first, so I shouldn't get sued (in the legal sense, not the Giri sense). Middle Earth is Tolkien's and although I can't ask his permission, I can bow down in awe at his brilliance, and make a small stand against the vandals who mangle it. The mangling I am about to undertake in the name of fan fiction is Giri's work, and I apologise profusely for it.

Oh, and since I've hijacked Dafydd and his partner, I thought I'd go the whole hog and kidnap their author too. In this chapter, Dafydd is written by his creator. So there's no chance I mucked it up!

Diary of an Undercover Sue

Chapter 18 - The big Pow-Wow

As soon as the door shuts I fling myself onto the bed. Ooo, bouncy!

"Lizzie!" warns Platy

"What, there's no one around?"

"And if the teacher's are watching? That wasn't very Sue-ish you know!"

She's right. Dammit.

"So what you're saying really, is I just have to act completely unlike me, not go crazy over Legolas, AND make it to the end of the story in one piece."

Platy nods. I start to giggle. Then I find I can't stop giggling, except I'm not giggling, I'm crying and I still can't stop.

"Heya, come on, hush now!" Platy climbs into my lab and scoops a tear away with her bill. "You're one of the best agents I've seen at ISPCE – I don't understand why you never got more field work . . ."

"Couldn't take the stress" I laugh "So forking ironic really, isn't it?"

"Oh dear. Well, that doesn't matter right now – you CAN do this." Platy looks up at me, an eye ridge raised "Without showering me preferably!"

I manage to stop crying. A quick glance at the words tells me I'm meant to be being quietly nostalgic about my tragic past. Blow that for a game of patience. I dig in my bag and find my CD player. I offer Platy an earphone.

"A little music to try and help us forget our drab wretched mission?"

Platy smiles "Pass the Lehrer!"

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_The council had already begun by the time Lisathwien found her way to the chamber._

"Don't mind me" I trill gaily. It's not me, it's not the character, but it's very Sue, and I get away with it.

"_You missed the introductions" Legolas leant across to smile at Lisathwien, gesturing to the empty chair next to him._

It's the only empty one. Fork.

_Lisathwien sank gracefully into the chair and looked towards the dwarf who was talking._

Doesn't even acknowledge Gloin's name! There's nothing in the words that says I have to listen but I can't help watch with a grim fascination as everything unfolds in a kind of twisted Movie-verse style, with the noticeable exception that Legolas's speeches all seem twice as long and ten times as informative, and everyone else just mumbles a few words between. There's the famous Gimli-tries-to-destroy-the-ring moment, and I'm waiting for Frodo to say his bit. But Lord Elrond starts on something that definitely is East of Canon and West of sanity.

"_As many of you by now know we have been joined by Lady Lisathwien of the people of Zwirth who has come to help us with our problem. It is my belief that Lady Lisathwien has in her possession the knowledge to destroy the ring forever."_

Eru no! Don't make me do this. I try to get a glance of the words to prepare myself for whatever I'm going to have to spout but the "omnipotent" presence of the author is forcing me to stand and speak.

"_It is true that my people have many magical means at our disposal, and I believe I am in fact powerful enough to destroy the ring. But I won't"_

_A gasp ran round the table_

"It should be careful – if it's already gasping it'll pass out if it keeps running for too long!" Platy whispers. She's somehow snuck into the council, and is looking at me from under the table with a mixture of encouragement and pity in her eyes.

"_If I destroy the ring now it is unknown even to I what evil might be unleashed on the world. I cannot and will not take the risk." Lisathwien sat back down in her chair._

Great – so I'm a selfish Ice queen to boot. But everyone's nodding in agreement, and the council proceeds as normally as Giri could write it.

And then she goes and spoils it again.

"Lisathwien, I wish you to ride with the others. And you shall be the ten riders of the ring. The Company of the Ring shall be Ten; and the Ten Walkers shall be set against the Nine Riders that are evil. With you..."

Poor Elrond – there's this crazy, desperate look in his eyes as he's forced to say this – I can't wait to get back and get my hands around Giri's neck.

_Lady Lisathwien stood gracefully and accepted with a rousing speech that caused cheers to echo down the corridors of Elrond's palace._

I guess that's what happens when the author gets lazy. Unfortunately for Giri, it gives me free speech.

"Lord Elrond, Company of the Ring, there is a great evil over your land – you know of what I speak"

I have to take this carefully, just in case a teacher IS watching. But I can see a light of recognition in the canon characters eyes, and the ones who had almost faded out from being ignored grow a little more solid.

"And I believe I DO have the power to help you defeat this evil. I will not rest until I have purged your land from the shadow that has overtaken it in its vile urpleness."

'So there Giri' I add in my mind as I cast a triumphant glance to the sky. The urple comment gets a few odd looks, but over all I think I did quite well!

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Agents Dafydd and Selene lurked behind a convenient bush in time-honoured PPC fashion, watching the Council of Elrond - or rather, the 'Sue's substitute - unfold.

"Of _course_ she arrived late," muttered Selene, "and of _course_ she sat next to Legolas."

Dafydd nodded distractedly, and scribbled 'Disrupting the Council of Elrond' onto the charge list. A moment later, he added 'Reassigning lines', 'Making Legolas look smart' and 'Dumbing down the Council'. Leaning over, Selene poked him.

"'Making Legolas look smart'? He _is_ an elf, he's allowed to look smart."

"He's a Wood-elf," muttered Dafydd in reply, but nevertheless amended it to read 'Increasing Legolas' role'. Selene nodded approvingly, and returned to watching the council.

It was mostly Movie-verse, as usual, but with a lot of creative misspellings - at least three Mini-Balrogs were spawned - and, of course, the bias towards Legolas. Then, suddenly, both agents stared as Elrond started speaking out of turn.

"As many of you by now know we have been joined by Lady Lisathwien of the people of Zwirth who has come to help us with our problem."

"Of course she has," muttered Dafydd. "She's a Mary-Sue." Selene hushed him as Elrond continued to speak.

"It is my belief that Lady Lisathwien has in her possession the knowledge to destroy the ring forever."

Dafydd choked. Selene's eyes started to glow, and it was only Dafydd's quick placing of a hand on her arm that prevented her from ending the 'Sue's life in a bolt of lightning. A moment later, however, he regretted doing so.

"It is true that my people have many magical means at our disposal, and I believe I am in fact powerful enough to destroy the ring. But I won't"

"Gah gah _gah_," he muttered fiercely. "I don't need flashbacks to Eledhwen, not now, not ever." However, over the 'Sue's next line - "If I destroy the ring now it is unknown even to I what evil might be unleashed on the world. I cannot and will not take the risk" - he muttered a different, yet very similar, speech. "I dare not, Elrond. For if I destroy the ring now, the power would be released onto this earth. It would quickly kill all us here. It would then spread to the rest of Middle Earth."

Selene raised an eyebrow. "That's a good memory you've got on you."

He hissed softly under his breath. "Involuntary, I assure you. Do we have to listen to any more of this?"

"Oh, come on," Selene replied. "It's only one more speech. Elrond's made his Ten Companions comment, and the 'Sue's making her closing speech."

"Mm, and she's actually doing a reasonable job of it, too." Dafydd glanced up at the Words. "Oh, I see, the Author didn't put anything in. I guess Rivendell Canon must be asserting itself even over the- wait, what did she say?"

Selene, too, was staring at the 'Sue. "I could have _sworn_ she just said Urple... but that... what?"

"I don't know," replied Dafydd, reaching for the Remote Activator, "but I think we'd better watch this 'Sue closely."

(A/N) Well, there you go – a little more mangled story, a little more tension – and a promise I'll write some more before another three months pass.


	19. Near misses

Okay, I'm back again, within the same month – no, I didn't believe it either! I guess I'm just in the fanfic mood!

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The Noble Platypus - -Joins in with the dance- Another update! Whoop! Looks like you didn't hope in vain. Yup, the urple actually came in handy – stranger things have happened (I've chosen to exercise before today!) Oh, no London? Why?

Fireblade K'Chona - Thank you! An Urple Cellphone? I don't be-lie-ee-eve it!

Xodevilxo - Thank you – sorry I didn't reply in mixed case, I can't do that without wanting to throw something heavy.

Liliac of the Purple Cloak - lol, thank you –Scurries off to obey the boss lady (with normal-ish hair now :-P)- Dafydd's creator wrote it last time, so it was entirely up to him how big the characters scene was – but there will be more PPC scenes this time round.

Phaidra - No, it is an update indeed! Your eyes are not deceived! Lol, it did make sense and I take the compliment with pleasure! And I agree with both of your observations!

Dreamingfifi-Oltholvaivai - phew, your name's a mouthful – almost as bad as Giri's full title! Divider has been added, chapter 14 has been fixed (hopefully) and the punctuation . . . will be fixed next time I have enough time. And no, I haven't – what is GAFF? I'm intrigued!

Civen - Here you go – I'm afraid Giri is NOT to be killed until the end, when a suitable punishment will be devised. And thanks for the generally nice review!

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DISCLAIMER – The academy, and all members of it, are mine. People mentioned in the academy and visitors to the academy are normally somebody else's, but I ask permission first, so I shouldn't get sued (in the legal sense, not the Giri sense). Middle Earth is Tolkien's and although I can't ask his permission, I can bow down in awe at his brilliance, and make a small stand against the vandals who mangle it. The mangling I am about to undertake in the name of fan fiction is Giri's work, and I apologise profusely for it. It's the stuff in italics, on the off chance you can't tell. I REALLY hope you can tell the difference . . . /Starts to panic/

Scenes containing Dafydd and Selene are being co-written by their creator – this is mainly due to a) I really respect that author and enjoy his stuff - b) it keeps them in character - c) I'm not quite good enough to risk trying to write PPC agents in the field – I tried this in my Mornil ficlet and whilst it worked for what I was trying to achieve I didn't particularly think it was entirely accurate to their (the PPC's) style

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Diary of an Undercover Sue

Chapter 19 - Near misses . . .

One minute I'm standing in front of the council of Elrond, feeling just a little proud of myself, and rather optimistic (Fool of an ISPCE-er that I am). Next thing I know I've been yanked through space and time to _a few days later_ in the non existent courtyard. I remember Dafydd saying something about time jumps, but I was never very interested in that side of the missions. My sympathies for him just increased a hundred fold.

"_Ah, Miss Lisathwien" one of the stable hands came forward, a besotted look on his eye._

"Oh really!" Platy stares at him in disgust "Pull yourself together!"

Then she stares at the words more closely "ON his eye? In his eye, yes. On his face, perfectly acceptable. But ON his eye!"

He doesn't seem to hear her, which is just as well, because explaining a talking duck billed Platypus's presence in Middle Earth is not a task I'm capable of after a time jump. I'm feeling nauseous enough without paying close attention to Giri's writing.

"_Your horse's just being got ready. Ah, here she comes. I've nay never seen a smarter beast, arrived just after you did. Lovely fine thing too, to be sure!"_

I don't even notice that a Rivendell elf seems to have slipped into Irish. I'm absolutely fixated with the mare walking towards me.

A unicorn . . .

A pink unicorn . . .

A Flying Pink Unicorn.

GIRI MUST DIE!

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"Oh, you are _kidding_," muttered Dafydd from behind the stable. "This can_not_ be happening."

Selene peered past him, and choked. "That is _horrible_. Is it even possible?"

"I don't care whether it's possible or not, it does _not_ belong in my world." The elven agent clenched his fists. "Selene? Could you please zap it?"

The vampire shook her head. "I'm afraid not. She needs to ride on it."

"Can't we kill _her_ now, then?" he asked, unwilling to drop the subject completely. Selene rolled her eyes.

"Weren't you the one who said we should let her live, that we had to watch her? No, Dafydd," she concluded, "just add that... thing to the charge list."

He nodded sullenly, and scribbled down 'Having stupid annoying hideous PINK cute animal friends'. Selene shook her head slightly at her partner's overreaction. "And be sure to put down that 'on his eye' line from earlier, too."

"Yes, yes," muttered Dafydd. "Now hush, we've missed too much already."

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"I can't believe it"

"I know Lizzie" Platy says consolingly

"I can't believe it"

"Me neither" Platy says patiently

"I can't believe it"

"Lizzie, if you don't snap out of it, I'm going to have to bite you again" Platy says calmly.

" I can't be-OW, YOU MOTHER LOVING FEATHERLESS TURKEY! I ought to . . ."

"That's not very nice is it? I DID warn you. And I wouldn't yell too many insults – what with the fellowship and the teachers and all" she smiles sweetly, and I have to be content with hissing under my breath as I massage my poor fingers. I know she's here to keep an eye on me but really!

Unfortunately, now I've been brought out of the trance I've been stuck in ever since we left "Rivendale" I now have to put up with the journey. To be fair, my horse is a lovely ride, for a totally fictional, non canonical creature. She keeps pace well too.

No, the problem is Giri, surprise surprise! With nothing better to do, she's filling the hours with pitiful internal monologues. Occasionally Legolas watches me and wonders "_if this flame haired ice maiden had ever loved and how she got so badly burnt" _(which is SUCH a mixed metaphor if you think about it for too long!) and occasionally _Lisathwien watched Legolas, allowing her thoughts to wander as she admired his form in the saddle and the way his hair rippled down his back in the sunlight._

The result of this constant swapping in watcher and watched is I find myself being jolted forwards and backwards on the path like I'm on a bungee cord. I'm currently behind Legolas, listening to another long spiel about his _noble back and strong shoulders. _She's got a point though. . .

"Lizzie, you're not lusting are you?"

"No-oo-oo"

"Because if you were . . ."

She doesn't have to finish. Sighing sulkily, I stare at the silky pink mane of my unicorn. Unfortunately my diverted attention coincides with another jolt along the path, this time bringing me level with Legolas himself.

"_M'Lady" said Legolas, slightly embarrassed at being caught with his thoughts, as if they might be written across his face. Lisathwien seemed unaware of them however, and just smiled politely. 'As unaware of them as she is of me" he thought sadly. But he was surprised when she said "Would you tell me about yourself, m'lord?"_

The mixed punctuation has the effect of making his thoughts audible, not that I can't see them in the words anyway. I wish I knew if the real Legolas was trapped inside this fake – I really hope he isn't, I can't stand to think of him suffering through this sham.

_Legolas hesitated – would this princess understand the tortures and negligence he had suffered at the hands of his father? Something told him that she just might._

"Oh Eru! Not another abused!Legolas!" Platy wails "Poor poor Thranduil, why do they always insist on casting him as evil?"

I silently agree – the number of cases I've heard about where abused!Legolas has had to be rescued from Evil!Thranduil, and the complaints Thranduil has made, not only for himself but about what his son has to endure . . . Legolas has started talking about his past. I glance at the words. This is going to be a long LONG story, and not one I particularly want to listen to. I urge the unicorn – scanning the words confirms that Giri hasn't even bothered to give her a name. I think Marshmallow seems appropriate; well, it makes me feel better – I urge Marshmallow closer to Gimli's horse, which is fortunately level to us.

The horse is being ridden by what appears to be a ghost – the result of Gimli being extremely underwritten. Whilst it saves him from the mangling of canon, I can't stand to see one of my favourite characters ignored.

"Gimli" I say, quietly. Legolas is in full flow, but I don't want to risk him (or anyone else) realising I'm not listening to his tale of woe.

Gimli solidifies a bit from receiving attention, and glowers at me. Can't say I blame him – he's probably completely in character which means he realises how wrong my presence is here. Even if he doesn't, there's no reason for a Dwarf to trust an Elf. I have to pick my words carefully.

"I understand if you do not wish to speak to me – I know there is no love lost between Dwarves and Elves, and that you have no reason to trust me or my kind" I see a flash of recognition in his eyes that confirms he knows I'm talking about Sues, not Elves "But I would be most honoured if you would tell me about your fathers adventures in more detail – the tale was sorely lacking at the council"

He studies me carefully for a few minutes, as if he is trying to work me out. I cross my fingers and I sense Platy holding her breath.

"I suppose if one of your kind is intelligent enough to recognise the value of such a story I shouldn't miss the opportunity to educate you" Gimli says finally. He also becomes solid again, as if the presence of canon has restored him.

Platy and I both sigh gratefully, and settle down to listen to some real story telling.

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Some distance behind, the DOGA agents were wandering along, keeping track of the 'fic via the Words, when suddenly a small tremor in the ground almost knocked them off their feet.

"What was _that_?" exclaimed Selene, staring at the Words. "Abusive!Thranduil is bad, but I didn't think it was bad enough to cause a potential 'ficverse collapse!"

"That wasn't an imminent collapse," said Dafydd, his voice strangely emotionless. "That was a partial Canon-breakthrough." Selene stared at him, and he clarified. "Something happened to make something become more Canon than the 'Suethor wrote it. I don't know..." He shook his head. "I think we need to catch up with the Fellowship. And _fast_." Even as he spoke he was pulling out and programming the Remote Activator. At the press of a button, the blue portal flickered open and the pair jumped through to a spot near to where the Ten Walkers were currently ambling along on their uncanon horses, far too slowly.

The agents stared at the 'Sue. "She's... listening to Gimli?" Selene asked, incredulous. Dafydd nodded bemusedly.

"It certainly looks like it. But..." He paused, and glared accusingly at the Words. "Isn't she meant to be hearing about Legolas' tragic past?"

"Well, that's what it _says_..." Selene shook her head. "There's something odd about this 'Sue. I just hope she doesn't turn out to be super-powerful."

(A/N) I know this is an incredibly quick update for me, and quick updates are normally followed by long gaps – however, this time round I can promise the next chapter won't take 3 months. Why I hear you ask? Because I've already written most of it! This chapter was going to be twice its original length, but I'm posting this bit now, because I need to co-ordinate with Dafydd's author to finish the second half, and that might cause a delay. It'll be a month wait at the longest, promise!


	20. Too good to be true

And here I am again – I'm on a roll with this updating lark; shame lectures are due to start again soon . . .

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Lil of the Purple Cloak - Here's more fanfic, and the request is noted – you do realise, however, that flying pink unicorns are NOT Middle Earth animals? Not even when they're purple!

Fireblade K'Chona - Sorry about the insult to Thranduil – in my defence it's the kind of thing Giri would believe in, or at least use in her stories – I personally know it's tosh and nonsense. And the punishment of Giri is being planned . . . oh boy is it being planned! –Cackles-

Phaidra - I know, I might stick with this habit of writing a chapter ahead of posting when I have the time, I hate leaving massive gaps between updates. I've never heard of Evil!Glorfindel but knowing some Sue authors it's been done. Gimli is in character because he is largely ignored (a really unfair fate in my opinion, but at least it saves him from the mangling)

Dreamingfifi - I'm sorry about that, I never realised it had vanished. I would come to the forum but I tend to lurk and then vanish for ages so I'm not the best forum person. Sue names are (almost) always ridiculous – they give me so much material to parody, it's almost too easy!

GreyGryph - The Unicorn is not being punished for Giri's utter Sueness (it wouldn't be fair), but in time Giri will be SEVERELY punished . . . and that will be sweet justice, let me tell you!

Archer - Here you go :-)

Xodevilxo Blushes and bows- Thank you, you're too kind – no, don't stop! ;-) – Sorry, I'm a praise and limelight addict . . . I'm an amateur actress; it's probably in the job requirements somewhere!

Felix - lol, well that was too the point!

The Noble Platypus - I know, I'm so proud of myself! I guess it's because they've been using the words to make most of their notes, and so you're slipping under the radar. The world needs more canon Gimli, I think. –Hugs about London-

Tiri and Mary - Lol, and my reviewer is back! Joy in the world and smiles on my face! And Easter goodies! My world is complete!

Mari - Thank you! I'd hate to look completely artificially gorgeous too, but I can't deny a little niggling wish that I could be a little more like the Lisa version of Lizzie (I'd LOVE to have red hair!) Hope this update was soon enough for you – maybe I should add something to the disclaimer about no liability for shrink bills . . .

Isilhen Daegol - .-Hugs- Don't be silly, you came back that's the main thing! And yeah, Giri drivel takes a couple of rewrites before its bad enough – I just comfort myself with the thought that most of my writing is better than that tosh! Urple is a pinkish purple colour first found in OFUM by Camilla Sandman (go read! No, not now – after you've read this otherwise you might forget to review!) And is, if I remember correctly, a vile mix of pink and purple; it is now associated with Sues, in my mind at least. And here's the update – not too long a wait, considering my track record.

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DISCLAIMER – The academy, and all members of it, are mine. People mentioned in the academy and visitors to the academy are normally somebody else's, but I ask permission first, so I shouldn't get sued (in the legal sense, not the Giri sense). Middle Earth is Tolkien's and although I can't ask his permission, I can bow down in awe at his brilliance, and make a small stand against the vandals who mangle it. The mangling I am about to undertake in the name of fan fiction is Giri's work, and I apologise profusely for it. It's the stuff in italics, on the off chance you can't tell. I REALLY hope you can tell the difference . . . /Starts to panic/

Tom Lehrer is a musical genius. I am just a fan – ergo the songs and introductions I may quote in this, previous and subsequent chapters, are his work, not mine.

Scenes containing Dafydd and Selene are being co-written by their creator – this is mainly due to a) I really respect that author and enjoy his stuff - b) it keeps them in character - c) I'm not quite good enough to risk trying to write PPC agents in the field – I tried this in my Mornil ficlet and whilst it worked for what I was trying to achieve I didn't particularly think it was entirely accurate to their (the PPC's) style

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Diary of an Undercover Sue

Chapter 20 - . . . Too good to be true . . .

Eventually the fellowship calls for a rest. Suddenly the sky darkens to night, and a forest seems to spring up around us.

"_We made good distance today. We should be at Caradhras tomorrow afternoon_" says Gandalf, one of the few lines Giri's been gracious enough to let him have. So of course it has to be incredibly uncanonical. I almost imagine I can hear Dafydd muttering about the one day walk.

_Lisathwien excused herself from the men and went to tend to her mare._

I have to admit, the chance to have some uncontrolled time away from the Fellowship is a temptation I just can't resist.

Perhaps it's because I'm feeling particularly friendly to Marshmallow as I start to brush her down. Perhaps it's because I've always had a sort spot for horses. Spork, perhaps it's because I'm not actually a total ice queen. Whatever the reason, I notice that she's shaking and her flanks are heaving.

"What's the matter girl?" I ask, concerned, resting a hand on her neck. She's covered in a cold sweat! This is serious; part of me thinks I should ask the fellowship for advice, but what would any of them know about unicorns, for Eru's sake!

"I think I know" Platy comes over from and sits looking up at Marshmallow "I think it's because she's so uncanonical – she can't physically survive in this reality."

"Is there anything we can do?" I know at first I hated the very idea of her, but it's not her fault Giri wrote her – probably just to spite me – and she's been such a gentle mare I've kind of grown attached to her.

"Depends – you ever work on any theories about re-canonising things?"

I think about this "My theory was exposure to canon might have an effect on whatever was anti-canon; kind of like the matter – anti-matter discussion; unfortunately it was undecided how similar the results would be . . ."

"You mean whether or not there would be an explosion?" Platy looks curious – explosions are normally considered a fun thing in agencies like ISPCE and the PPC – or at least the norm.

"No so much an explosion – more a case of destructive interference – this is beginning to sound like a physics lesson. Basically, we predicted that an uncanon object in a canon saturated environment could possibly decompose. Sue's didn't, but they had the author on their side. Cute fluffy companions, however, that don't get written well enough . . ." I look at Marshmallow.

"So what can we do?" Platy looks at Marshmallow thoughtfully.

"I don't know . . . Perhaps . . ." I break off, trying to think. Platy knows not to interrupt an ISPCE theorist when they're theorising.

"Right – you and I, we're not canon and we're not uncanon – we're like non-matter. So if we both focus on Marshmallow, perhaps we can catalyse a change to make her more canonical. I DON'T think we can make her completely canonical, but if we lose the pinkness and the wings . . ."

Platy stares at me "You did WAY too much science at school, didn't you?"

I roll up my sleeves "You have no idea!"

I beckon Platy over and we both focus on Marshmallow. "Try and imagine her as a normal unicorn" I whisper, closing my eyes. For a few minutes I concentrate on the image of Marshmallow in my head, fading the pink to white and erasing the wings.

"Did it work?" whispers Platy.

I open one eye, and then the other.

"Well?" Platy's eyes slowly open. "Holy forks"

Marshmallow is now a pure white, garden variety unicorn, if there is such a thing. She's also looking a lot healthier, and is happily eating the grass by her feet. I gently lead her back to the other horses. None of the fellowship notices any difference in her, or indeed that I'm there – I guess she's still uncanonical enough not to jar the story too much, and they seem well into a "manly discussion scene" about my "fine attributes." Oh yuck! I find a spare tether and tie her next to Gimli's horse, as far as I can possibly get her from Legolas. I don't want her catching uncanon-ness again.

Platy listens to the conversation for a moment, looks back to Marshmallow, and then turns to me "When we get back to ISPCE I'm telling Liliac you deserve a raise"

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"No, Olórin," muttered Dafydd, "you won't, because the journey is _not_ minë arya eressë."

Selene tilted her head. "What?"

"Sorry." He shook his head. "It's not only one day."

Selene eyed her partner worriedly. For him to slip back into his native Quenya, he had to be under severe stress. "Dafydd," she said, "perhaps we should take a break."

"Can't," he said. "Have to watch the 'Sue. Don't trust her." Then he blinked, and shook himself. "Where is she?"

Selene looked around, and couldn't spot her. Then she glanced at the words. "She's off grooming her little uncanon pet. Want to go after her?"

"Not a chance in Angband," he replied. "We should get a CAD reading on this lot." Pulling out the Character Analysis Device, he waved it at Gandalf.

_Gandalf. Male Maia, Istar. Canon. OOC: 32.14. Within acceptable limits._

"This thing gets better every time," Selene said, looking at the CAD screen. "Although if 30 is acceptable, I dread to think what it's used to."

"I think we're about to find out," commented Dafydd, waving the CAD at Legolas.

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP! Dafydd finally slapped his hand on the mute button, wincing as the superheated metal scorched his hand. "Not _again_," he hissed, although Selene was uncertain whether he was referring to the hand or the CAD. Then she stopped thinking about it at all as she saw the readout.

_Legolas Thranduilllllllllinitilwibble. Canonuncanoncanonunununnillium. OOC: 142.piarsquared. Please reinstall Canon and reboot. No good deed goes unpunished!_

Dafydd hissed and slammed the CAD against a rock, and the words vanished. Three more appeared.

_CHARACTER REPLACEMENT DETECTED_

Then, finally, the device gave a small bleep and died. Dafydd scowled.

"Well," said Selene, "I guess we're going to have to go Legolas-hunting later."

"Yeah," he replied, and then gave a small 'eep!' of surprise as the 'Sue reappeared. Grabbing Selene, he ducked behind a rock. Then he stared at Lisathwien. "Er, Sel?" he muttered. "Am I insane, or has that unicorn changed?"

"You're insane," his partner replied, "but you're also right. It's… well, it's still uncanon, but at least it's not so urple."

"I'll add 'inconsistency' to the charge list, shall I?" the elf asked. Selene nodded distractedly.

"You do that."

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I wake up, remarkably refreshed after a night of sleeping on the ground. Of course, Giri HAD to write an extremely uncanon tent into the fic for me, and she HAD to write a late night heart to heart that I HAD to over hear (Legolas confiding in Aragorn about his unsure feelings for me, Aragorn saying something about my tragic past again) - I was busy trying to sleep and didn't really pay much attention, but unfortunately the words specified that I overheard them, so I couldn't actually sleep until they stopped nattering. And they say girls are gossips!

But all that aside, I'm awake, it's early (too early; one thing I strongly believe in is that the time before 6am is actually theoretical only and doesn't really exist – I hate it when my theories are proved wrong!) and still I'm not cranky. I have the words to thank for that.

_Lisathwien awoke, refreshed after sleeping with nature, and thoughtful after the conversation she had overheard the night before._

"Sleeping with nature? Bet he'll never call after this!" I giggle to myself. I can't help it, the good mood Giri's written is worming its way inside of me, and Platy is still asleep. I'd love to wake her up so we can share sarcastic commentaries on the story but . . .

_Lisathwien silently left the camp as to not wake anybody._

Cu-uu-rses.

_Slowly she walked through the forest, feeling the early morning sun caress her face and the dawn breeze stirring her skirt. She tilted her head and listened to the dawn chorus, a sweet harmony of melodies swirling into the pale blue expanse overhead._

It's birdsong for crying out loud! Sure, it's nice enough but at the end of the day it's all tweets and whistles!

_Lisathwien couldn't help but feel a pang for her homeland, Zwirth, nestled far to the north. A land of flowing streams and rolling hills, of gentle greens and roses and daffodils, of skies so blue and clouds so white, her home, her sanctuary and her delight._

Ugh, Giri's been attempting the poetry again – someone needs to tell her prose does not need a rhyming scheme. They need to really beat the message home. Preferably with a sword. A big sword. I volunteer!

And another thing, to the north of Middle Earth is Angmar! Place of EVIL – not what most people would immediately think of as a sanctuary!

The words babble on for a bit about the wonders of the non existent Zwirth, and then about the respect I'm starting to feel for Legolas. What a surprise!

_Lisathwien had not felt so happy in a long time, since before . . . but no, she did not want to think of this. The day was glorious and there was a lightness in her heart, she did not want the clouds of her past to overcast the day. Assuring herself she was far enough from the camp as to not disturb anyone, Lisathwien started to sing a song, filled with the joys of spring._

I grin evilly – as Un-Sue-ish as I'm about to be, I just CAN'T resist the opportunity I've been given. So, like a compare, I announce to the wood "Well, Giri, assorted Sues, here's a song all about spring time in general, and in particular, about one of the many delightful past times the coming of spring affords us all."

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"Oh, no," muttered Dafydd from behind a nearby tree, "I'm _not_ listening to a 'Sue song. That's A/V's job. Selene," he raised his voice slightly, "catch!"

The charge list, folded into a paper dart, landed in her hand. As she opened it out and deciphered the tengwar-esque handwriting, Dafydd ran through a mental checklist of his weapons. He could use the Ring of Sairalindë, but he still wasn't comfortable with the thing.

"Oh, let's go for simple," he whispered to himself, and pulled out a dagger. Silently, the agents started to move in towards the 'Sue.

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(A/N) I know, I know – it's a horrible cliff hanger . . . and you probably think you're going to be kept waiting forever – but fear not! The next chapter is written and just needs me to write a few sentences for the end – will probably be up by the end of the week, but I wanted to post this now since I made a promise it would be under three weeks. So, no killing the author, there will be an update soon!


	21. A lucky break!

Here we go – another quick(ish) update. Well, I couldn't leave you with that cliff hanger for TOO long could I?

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Lil of the Purple Cloak - Yes I did – and here you go, it wasn't NOW but it was soon.

The Noble Platypus - Phew, poor poor Platy! I think my schedule is likely to get busy again, but at least I had an efficient few chapters!

Phaidra - If you did kill me, I wouldn't be able to update – so I'm glad you abstained, for the sake of my readers you understand! And the CAD question is interesting; have to ask Dafydd next time I talk to his creator . . .

Fireblade K'Chona - Thank you – oddly enough, that chapter was written BEFORE I read Angels & Demons, a story that features the effects of anti-matter and matter . . . I thought it was spooky anyway. And I'm glad my humour tickles someone else's funny bone – I was beginning to worry I was odd. And as for the song –grins-

GreyGryph - Sorry about that – I'll put up warning signs next time, those cliff hangers are pesky for sure.

Lady Irony - That's the plan! Hope you continue to enjoy.

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DISCLAIMER – The academy, and all members of it, are mine. People mentioned in the academy and visitors to the academy are normally somebody else's, but I ask permission first, so I shouldn't get sued (in the legal sense, not the Giri sense). Middle Earth is Tolkien's and although I can't ask his permission, I can bow down in awe at his brilliance, and make a small stand against the vandals who mangle it. The mangling I am about to undertake in the name of fan fiction is Giri's work, and I apologise profusely for it. It's the stuff in italics, on the off chance you can't tell. I REALLY hope you can tell the difference . . . /Starts to panic/

Tom Lehrer is a musical genius. I am just a fan – ergo the songs and introductions I may quote in this, previous and subsequent chapters, are his work, not mine.

Scenes containing Dafydd and Selene are being co-written by their creator – this is mainly due to a) I really respect that author and enjoy his stuff - b) it keeps them in character - c) I'm not quite good enough to risk trying to write PPC agents in the field – I tried this in my Mornil ficlet and whilst it worked for what I was trying to achieve I didn't particularly think it was entirely accurate to their (the PPC's) style

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Diary of an Undercover Sue

Chapter 21 - . . . A lucky break!

"Sprr-ing is here, Spuh-ring is here . . ." Lisathwien's voice is at least an octave higher than mine, and ten times more in tune – and totally unsuited for Lehrer. For once I actually want my own out of tune warbling back. But Giri's not going to spoil Lehrer for me – this is the one thing I've turned to since the start of the mission and I'm DAMN well going to enjoy myself!

"Life is skittles and life is beer, I think the loveliest time of the year is the spring– I do, don't you? Course you do! But there's one thing that makes spring complete for me, and makes every Sunday a treat for me…"

I might be stuck in Middle Earth, I might have to put up with being at the whim of one of the most annoying sue-ish people I've ever met, but for now life is good – I have blue skies, I have Lehrer and I have time to myself. What could possibly spoil it?

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Dafydd crept through the trees, trying not to listen to the 'Sue's singing. If he could get his knife to her throat, Selene could read the charge list and they could go home.

_All the world seems in tune on a spring afternoon, when we're poisoning pigeons in the park…_

The agent froze. "That's no 'Sue-song!" he muttered, and closed the remaining distance at a run, not caring if she heard him. Grabbing Lisathwien by the shoulders, he pushed her against the nearest tree and held his dagger to her throat. "Mana nalyë?" he snarled, and then repeated it in English. "What _are_ you?"

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"Ouch!" As I'm slammed against the tree, my first response is to fight back. The only things that attack a Sue in Middle Earth are orcs or uruk-hai . . . or . . . agents!

"Dafydd!" I can't help grinning – it's brilliant to see a friendly face; except Dafydd's face is definitely NOT friendly – nor is his voice, or the knife held to my throat for that matter.

I can feel the blood drain from my face as he asks "what _are_ you?"

"Dafydd, it's _me_ – Lizzie!" For one moment I'm terrified I'm going to die, here in Middle Earth – there's no way Giri or the staff will pull me out of this mess!

Dafydd stares at me. "No you're not. You're a 'Sue."

It's a testament to my terror – or perhaps insanity - that I roll my eyes at a knife wielding agent and say what I do next "Don't be an idiot Dafydd – if I was a Sue I wouldn't know your name, I wouldn't know you're a PPC agent, and I wouldn't know to use the name Lizzie!"

"Um, er, right." Dafydd blinks. "Selene! Some help here!"

"Oh for goodness sake!" I can hear my voice rising in desperation "My name is Elizabeth Cottis, I work in the Theories department of ISPCE, I've been sent on a mission to The Academy of Mary Sues by my pyromaniac boss Liliac because of a comment about her hair that was taken WAY out of proportion, I have a pet Mini – that YOU gave me – called Legolasto . . ." I pause to take a breath.

"No," says another voice from behind me, "your name is Lisathwien, aka Mary-Sue, and after I read this charge list, your name will be ash."

"No!" interrupts Dafydd. "Selene, give me a moment here. Lizzie, what in Arda are you doing here? And why are you acting like a 'Sue?"

"What do you think? That evil malicious . . . SUE Giri wrote a story and got the staff to send me into it! And you try fighting against the words! I've been as Un-sueish as I can given the circumstances, but I can't just out right rebel otherwise I'll never get onto the staff of TAMS and I won't be able to FIX it!" I look around to see the owner of the other voice – or at least, I try to. "Uh, Dafydd? Since you believe it's me now, you think you could perhaps move the knife?"

"Huh?" He glances down at the dagger. "Oh, yeah . . . sorry." Resheathing it, he looks around vaguely. "Um… Selene? We can't kill her. What do we do?"

"How should I know?" asks the other agent, stepping around the tree. "This isn't supposed to happen. It's possible that taking her out of the 'fic would fix it, but… I don't know."

Dafydd sighs. "Think we should go back to HQ and find out?"

Selene shakes her head. "I doubt anyone there will know either. It's hardly common, is it?"

"Look – guys?" I try to catch their attention "As much as I'd love to get the hell out of here, I have to complete the story . . . But there is something you can do?"

Dafydd blinks. "About what?"

"Zwirth – go BURN it, please! Oh, and can you go see Liliac in ISPCE – tell her I've been sent into a story? In fact, she might even lend you Smaug – it'd be good exercise for him, and from what I've seen in the words Zwirth is a pretty big place, so you could do with some help."

He nods. "Good idea. Selene? You coming?"

His partner glares at me. "I'll stay and watch the Fellowship. We wouldn't want anything _happening_ to them, would we?"

Dafydd winces. "Right… you do that, then. See if you can figure out where Legolas got replaced while you're at it, then." Stepping back, he gives me a little nod, pulls out his Remote Activator and portals out. Selene steps back into the shadows of the forest, vanishing unnaturally fast.

"Nice to meet you, too." I mutter at the patch of forest she vanished into. Dafydd's partner obviously doesn't like me, and I guess I can't blame her – as far as she's concerned I'm a Sue and not to be trusted.

It's not MY fault though.

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Dafydd sat on a small pile of rubble on the edge of Zwirth, watching the flames rise. With his elvish sight he could see clear across the uncanon land, and could see the great golden form of Smaug flitting about, darting flame at the 'Sue creations that ran screaming through the smoke. If he squinted, he could just about make out a spot of lilac on his neck, where Liliac was joining in the fun.

Just before night fell, the dragon came back and landed next to the agent. Repressing a momentary shudder at being so close to his people's ancient enemy, he waved to the head of MEAPS. "Good job, Liliac!" he called. "Now get on home before the Mirkwood elves see you."

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By the time I make it back to the camp, Platy's awake and agitated.

"There you are!" she sighs when she spots me sneaking back to the tent – I don't want to have to face any one else (i.e. Legolas) yet. "Where DID you go?"

"Giri sent me on an early morning jay-walk; lots of internal monologues on the "beautiful" land of Zwirth, my "tragic" past, appalling spelling and grammar . . . Oh and the PPC showed up."

"Oh okay" she looks away, and then her head SNAPS back to face me "THE PPC!"

"Shh, don't wake the Fellowship up – don't worry, I'll tell you ALL about it on the road!"

(A/N) Okay, most of that chapter was written as the second half of the previous one, and flowed ever so easily . . . but that last little bit took me forever – I wanted to find the right end note, and nothing seemed to chime right – Why is it that small, non plot driving bits that are, however, necessary all the same, are the hardest to write?

Unfortunately, I haven't made any headway with the next chapter yet, so I have no idea when I'll be updating next – it might be a while I'm afraid. Sorry. At least it's not another cliff hanger, hey?


	22. The lowest ebb

Not as quick as I have been, but considering my work load, not too shabby either – I'm in 'A Midsummer Night's Dream' next week and we've had literally full-time rehearsals. Plus the actual lecture course and assorted work that goes with it.

I'd like to apologise – this chapter is quite dark . . . I've made every effort not to include anything too disturbing; if I felt uncomfortable writing it I deleted it. But I've made implications and I want to warn you they are there.

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Liliac of the Purple Cloak - I define cliff hanger as stopping right in the middle of a high tension scene. So an assassin sneaking up on Lizzie is a cliff hanger. The promise of more journeys and an unwritten recap isn't.

The Noble Platypus - I couldn't let Lizzie get toasted – that would end the story before I got my revenge on Giri. Did you get my Yahoo message asking permission? If you didn't I'll email you or something, 'cause I'd like to borrow an idea of yours.

Fireblade K'Chona - I'm glad you enjoyed – touches of my humour in this one too, but I wanted to take a darker twist – hopefully I didn't screw it up.

Phaidra - Well here you go – now you know what's happening – up to where I've written anyway. I could tell you how it all ends but that would spoil the surprise now wouldn't it?

Oppida - Sorry it's not as quick as the other updates – real life can be pretty demanding sometimes!

Fear the Fluff - I agree – except I'm writing in first person so I suppose I'm kind of putting myself in the position of being her – head hurts now. Who is it you want to borrow, Giri? Lizzie isn't technically a sue, but feel free to use whichever character you can do the most with. Just be warned I have my own plans for them in this story. And yes to the survival guide, I'd be honoured! All I ask is you send me the links!

Isilhen Daegol - You have to understand, the aim of the Sues is not to let Lizzie to attempt to pass, it's to torture her – so why pull her out when they still have the rest of the story at their disposal? She'd have to be happy for that to happen. I've passed on the praise and he said thank you.

Neniel Sidurien - I'm sorry to cause you so much distress – when the nice men in white coats come ask for a room with BLUE padded walls – they're much friendlier than the white ones (but not as tasty as the pink, in my opinion). Here's more madness in a bottle, although it's less fun this time round.

GreyGryph - Here you go, glad you liked.

CapriceAnn Hedican-Kocur - No more waiting, here it is!

TinkerBell394587 - Poisoning Pigeons (and Tom Lehrer) – well, I can take the credit for that, I'm a massive fan. For the WICKED reference I gracefully defer to my part time co-writer, Dafydd's creator. I'm glad you like the idea and the execution; I'm surprised at how much I've got out of it and how successful it's been.

Xodevilxo - Wow, Florida – jealous now! Oh, and I got the strange idea you might like an update (Don't know where I got that idea from, just a hunch I guess) so here you go!

Saerwen - No Zombie girls, please! They make a mess of the Urple walls. Have an update instead!

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DISCLAIMER – The academy, and all members of it, are mine. People mentioned in the academy and visitors to the academy are normally somebody else's, but I ask permission first, so I shouldn't get sued (in the legal sense, not the Giri sense). Middle Earth is Tolkien's and although I can't ask his permission, I can bow down in awe at his brilliance, and make a small stand against the vandals who mangle it. The mangling I am about to undertake in the name of fan fiction is Giri's work, and I apologise profusely for it. It's the stuff in italics, on the off chance you can't tell. I REALLY hope you can tell the difference . . . /Starts to panic/

Tom Lehrer is a musical genius. I am just a fan – ergo the songs and introductions I may quote in this, previous and subsequent chapters, are his work, not mine.

Scenes containing Dafydd and Selene are being co-written by their creator – this is mainly due to a) I really respect that author and enjoy his stuff - b) it keeps them in character - c) I'm not quite good enough to risk trying to write PPC agents in the field – I tried this in my Mornil ficlet and whilst it worked for what I was trying to achieve I didn't particularly think it was entirely accurate to their (the PPC's) style

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Diary of an Undercover Sue

Chapter 22 - The lowest ebb

I didn't think it would be possible for me to hate Giri more than I already do.

I was wrong.

_They rode for hours, the gentle lull of companionable chatter sweet melody to the tattoo of hooves on the hard ground._

Hours of riding with nothing to do but listen to chattering – if she's going to make this a two day ride she could at least have the decency not to subject me to constant riding. Oh wait – this is Giri I'm talking about! How could I forget?

Occasionally Platy asks questions about the PPC but there's only so many times that you can go over a story before it gets tired. For the rest I talk quietly to her, trying to make the hours pass a little quicker.

_During a lull in the talking, Boromir brought his horse alongside Lisathwien's and leant into to talk to her._

The sudden appearance of the previously ignored Boromir on the horse next to me is enough to give me a fright, let alone Marshmallow. Takes me five minutes to calm her down, in which time I've missed whatever he's saying.

" _. . . can't understand what Elrod was thinking, sending a beautiful lady like yourself on a dangerous quest like this . . ."_

"And introducing for the first time, in this fic anyway, Chauvinistic!Boromir!" heckles Platy. I should probably shush her for the benefit of any audience back at TAMS, but I'm too disgusted at Giri to bother. What's the point in dragging a previously ignored character into a story just to be two-dimensional and mis-stereotyped?

Okay, so my defence of Boromir probably stems from my admiration of Sean Bean – I think he's a stunning actor – but this is just bad, lazy writing.

Oh yeah. Giri. Have to keep reminding myself that.

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Through the rest of the ride the attention of the words seems to be split fifty-fifty between me, Legolas, and Boromir.

Yes, I know that seems wrong, but bear with me . . . I can do maths!

If I'm not thinking about Legolas, and he's not thinking about me (about fifty percent of the time) then Boromir is thinking about me.

In a particularly boring patch of chatter I decided to read the words.

I wish I hadn't.

_Boromir watched the silky expanse of cream visible under Lisathwien's scarlet braid, and imagined what it must be like to . . ._

I manage to stop reading and block them out of my mind. It's disconcerting enough to have my neck and shoulder covered in cream (another result of her shabby writing) – the sun's not doing it much good either – without being disturbed further by Giri's warped imagination. Platy glances at the words, blanches, and quietly wibbles before closing her eyes and whispering something about Bleeprin.

I figure I'm better off not knowing.

x-x-x-

Giri has us stopping for lunch. I'm sitting watching Legolas seem to juggle the tasks of setting up camp and preparing dinner single handed (giving Platy and me the impression of an elvish octopus – which gives us the giggles) when I'm knocked sideways by another audibly pink authors note.

Did I mention how much I hate Giri?

AN – HEYA, SECRET BIRDSONG AGAIN!1!

OKAY, SUM OF U MIGHT FIND THIS NEXT BIT ICKY, BUT BARE WITH ME . . . I THINK . . .

"Do you indeed?" mutters Platy, trying to bury her head in my lap to protect her ears.

. . . THAT ITS ENTIRELY NECISARY FOR THE DEVELOPMENT OF THE CHARACTERS AND ALL THAT – BUT YEAH, IT WAS NEEDED!

I HATE in text author notes! They completely destroy any atmosphere you might have been trying to build!

The problem is, I'm so busy trying to clear my head, I let the words sweep over me and kind of go into auto pilot. So I'm not paying attention when Boromir comes over.

"_M'lady, may I have a moment of your time?" Boromir shifted from foot to foot, watching her carefully._

"_I cannot see why not." Lisathwien gracefully rose, shaking out the crinkles in her skirt._

It's Platy's shout of "Hey!" as she tumbles to the ground that brings me back to reality – well, Giri's distorted version of it at any rate.

"Not good, not good, not good" I mutter to myself as my legs automatically keep up with Boromir's rapid stride, and Platy is left behind.

_Suddenly Boromir spun around and pressed Lisathwien against a tree. "I can't resist – I've been wanting this since Rivendale!" he growled at her, his eyes skimming up and down her now trembling form._

And suddenly, all the hints, all the veiled references, the sudden appearance of Boromir, it all slips into place. I see exactly what Giri has planned for me.

"Oh fork . . ."

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Dafydd stared at the Words. "Oh dear merciful Nienna," he muttered, and then called, "Selene! Quick!"

The vampire muttered under her breath, and caught up with him. "What is it?" Silently, he pointed to the Words. She squinted, and then hissed softly. "No. No. Not this."

"I'll go," he said, remembering his partner's fondness for Boromir. She nodded gratefully.

"How are you going to get there?" she asked. "We let them get a long way ahead."

Dafydd grinned, and held up the Remote Activator. "I think I'll try defying gravity," he said, opened a portal, and jumped through.

He reappeared in the air beside the tree, and with a cry of "They'll never bring us down!" landed in a graceful crouch next to where Boromir was supposed to be assaulting Lizzie. Unfortunately, his entrance was completely wasted, as he discovered when he looked up. Instead of one possessed Canon and one acquaintance-turned-'Sue, there was only a single, unconscious, Boromir.

Dafydd looked nonplussed and looked up at the Words. They clearly stated that Lisathwien was supposed to be struggling with Boromir. Just as clearly, she wasn't.

"Ah, Lizzie?" he called. "It's Dafydd. Where are you?" There was no reply. Biting his lip, he opened another portal and poked his head through.

Selene was somewhat surprised to see her partner's head poke out of a patch of previously empty air, but when he said, "We've got trouble," she wasted no time in jumping through the portal. She, too, had to double-check the Words, and then nodded.

"Yep. Trouble indeed."

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"GIRI! You vicious twisted snake, get me out of here NOW!" As I march through the trees, screaming at the sky I try to swipe away the tears rolling down my cheeks.

That was THE scariest thing that has happened to me in my life, and as soon as I lay eyes on Giri again she will regret the day she ever put Urple pen to scented paper!

"Lizzie!" Platy comes running between the trees towards me. My legs collapse from under me and I sink into an ungraceful heap, sobbing openly.

Platy climbs up onto my lap and I wrap my arms around her, sobbing into her fur.

"Shh, shh, I read the words and came as quickly as I could – what happened!"

"Well he grabbed me . . ." I take a breath and another – I'm not going to let this beat me. "I started reading the words to try and block it out. Giri was throwing in loads of flash backs and then Legolas was meant to come and rescue me – but not before . . . not until . . ."

I have to take a minute out, just to remember how to breathe.

"I couldn't – I'm sorry, I just couldn't stay there . . . I couldn't let him . . ."

"Of course you couldn't, don't be silly" Platy sooths, running her bill along my arm comfortingly.

"I managed to get an arm free, and somehow remembered the training we had about nerves – they're right about the one in the neck you know, knocks someone right out . . ." I realise I'm probably babbling hysterically but Platy lets me.

But I'm distracted by the sense that someone's behind me. I scrabble to my feet, arms wrapped around Platy. Fight or flight tells me to run, but I'm too tired to out pace someone. My second instinct is to arm myself, but I have no weapons to hand. So, with only a duck billed platypus to help me, I turn around to face . . .

. . . Legolas.

He has his hands out, palms open as if to show he means no harm. I slump, the adrenalin draining out of me, and manage to sit again without dropping Platy. I can't deal with 2D puppy Legolas right now, or the moment Giri has written for us.

"Miss, are you okay?" it doesn't sound like the Legolas I've been travelling with. I take a closer look; he hasn't got the dazed bewitched look in his eyes.

"Legolas? Is it – really you?"

"Yes; I'm not the pathetic impostor my poor companions have had to put up with if that's what you mean" he scowls.

I feel I should apologise "I didn't mean to be here – I know this is all wrong . . ."

He holds up a hand to stop me "I know this is nothing to do with you. I've been following you a fair while now, and have seen you making every effort to act as our world would dictate. I have also been "blessed" "with the ability to read the words of this story." A disgusted look crosses his face. "It's the worst we've ever had the misfortune to be trapped in, but we've suffered so much I suppose we've developed something of a resistance. But you . . ."

A tender look fills his eyes "This must be very difficult for you – and for that you have my sympathies." He reaches out and tucks a stray bit of hair behind my ear.

A Sue, or a weaker fangirl than me (or, if I'm honest, me, if I wasn't holding Platy), would probably lean in for a kiss, or try to take advantage of the situation in another way. I just smile.

"Thank you." For the first time in this entire story I feel at peace. I'm happy where I am.

Which is why I really can't drag up any surprise when I'm yanked backwards into brilliant blue.

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Dafydd and Selene stalked through the woods, looking around for a missing 'Sue. Selene glared up at the Words, now showing a sappy scene between Lisathwien and Legolas. "This isn't supposed to _happen_," she muttered.

"Yeah, well," Dafydd muttered, "girls shouldn't be trapped as 'Sues, either."

"No, true," she agreed. "Didn't I hear something about 'Sues being made in a factory somewhere?"

He nodded. "A lot of them. It used to be run by the PPC, but they got rid of the guy in charge about the time I got recruited."

Selene looked interested. "Is that why the Sunflower Official runs things these days?"

Dafydd nodded. "He got promoted, so to speak." Then he saw a flash of red in amongst the bushes. "Aha. It's time to trust my instincts, close my eyes, and... leap." He jumped over a bush and emerged a moment later, pulling Lisathwien by the arm. "Lizzie," he said, "what _do_ you think you're doing?"

"I know not of what you speak, m'lord," the girl replied, trying to pull herself away from him. "Pray, tell I, where is Lord Legolas?"

Selene raised an eyebrow. "Dafydd, is this some kind of joke?"

He shook his head. "I don't know what's happened to her. Lizzie, snap out of it."

"Why do you call me by such a name?" the girl replied. "I am called Lady Lisathwien, Princess of the Zwirth, and I-"

"Hold it right there, kid," said Selene. "Dafydd, I think something's wrong?"

"Yeah, I agree," he said. He closed his eyes, and the Ring of Sairalinde, on his right hand, began to glow. After a few moments, the glow ceased, and his eyes snapped open. "Something has changed within her," he said. "Something is not the same. I think Lizzie's gone."

"Gone?" Selene blinked. "You mean, her personality faded?"

"I don't know," he replied, shrugging. "All I know is that what we have here is a pure 'Sue."

"Nay, good sir," said the 'Sue, "my name is Lady Lis- aaargh!"

"You are a Mary-Sue," said the elf, his knife buried in her arm, "and you are altogether wicked. And, you know, wickedness _must_ be punished."

Selene rolled her eyes. "Very dramatic. More to the point, 'Sue, you stand accused of... well... far too many charges for me to read out. It's time for you to die. Do you have any last words?"

"I did no wrong!" the 'Sue cried, managing to break away from Dafydd and run into the forest. "I only wanted to help!"

"Yeah, well," called Dafydd as Selene's knife buried itself accurately in the back of Lisathwien's neck, "no good deed goes unpunished. In the future - oh, never mind, you don't have one - remember that all helpful urges should be circumvented." With perfect timing, the 'Sue drew one last breath and died.

Selene wandered over and retrieved her knife. "What should we do with the body?"

Dafydd shrugged. "Feed it to the first large creature we find," he said. "It's not like anyone'll want it back. No one mourns the wicked."

"Especially not PPC agents," Selene agreed, and wandered off into the forest, leaving the elf to drag the body along.

"Great," he muttered, grabbing the corpse by the ankles. "And I suppose _I'll_ have to grab that unicorn for Liliac, too?"

(A/N) Yup, it's back to TAMS – I never knew Middle Earth well enough to make this a long excursion but hopefully it's added something to the story . . . it was the whole point of this really so if it hasn't I've lost the plot somewhere. Probably in the mountain of scraps of paper I have dotted around my room.

I wanted to try my hand at a darker subject for a couple of reasons (mainly to see if I could). If anyone thinks I handled it badly, I'm sorry. I promise it won't happen again in this story.

Again, I don't know how long until an update – I know what has to happen I just have to write it.


	23. TAMS, Saccharine sweet TAMS

(Witty introduction) – Hey, I'm tired, and fighting through writers block . . . I'm sure whatever you think of will be funnier than I can manage now!

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TinkerBell394587 - Lisathwien, the sue, died. Don't worry; I can't kill Lizzie off, the stories not at its end yet! And yeah – TAMS would never teach something useful like actual self defence – the closest they'd get is how to pick your karate belt so it doesn't clash with your dress!

Fireblade K'Chona - Thank you, the cream bit was another random moment inspired by clichéd similes, or my take on them anyway . . . I'm sure I've committed crimes like that in my original fiction though, so I shouldn't poke too much fun. Just enough! And the dark stuff – yeah, not doing that again for a long time . . . don't worry, Giri death is approaching.

The Noble Platypus - Thanks – I didn't want to make it too explicit, that's not what this is about . . . but I didn't get any complaints so I can breathe easy again1

Gandalf – Dumbledore – Obi-wan - Welcome to the story – I won't reply to every review, but thanks for coming along for the trip. It promises to be trippy . . . and hopefully your questions have already been answered.

Lady Irony - When I told a friend about your proposed method of death, you know what he said? "Too quick". I think that says it all! Glad you're still enjoying it, even with the diversion into darkness.

Liliac of the Purple Cloak - Hush now, Lizzie's safe enough and Dafydd will bring you your unicorn. No toasting the agent!

Xodevilxo - Yeah, it is meant to be a humour – I think it was a combination of a challenge to see if I could, and the mindset I'd been in when I wrote that chapter (dark malicious fairy in "A Midsummer Night's Dream"). Sorry. And LOL, definitely not subtle!

Ekwy - Yup, he really does – and he's got me addicted too, now – Wicked wicked boy. (Oo, look, I made a pun!) I think Boromir gets victimised because he DARES falls to the Rings power like all normal Middle Earth inhabitants do . . . Sues never do, so I don't think their authors understand.

GreyGryph - Thank you

Phaidra - Background generic fairy/ Cobweb – but it was FUN! Got to be dark and wicked, and we actually oversold the last two nights – had people on benches and bar stools! And I'm glad you liked this chapter!

Random person - Thank you – I'm glad you came out of lurking, and don't worry, I intend to!

Dragon emperess - Lisa/Lizzie is safe enough – she just got dragged back to TAMS. The fellowship were on horses because Giri is stupid, and Boromir will be fine.

Saerwen - Not just yet, but soon – I really need to work out how I'm going to do Giri's death. Lizzie is safe, back at TAMS. And as for the PPC, I'm really just a fan, but thanks for the hands up – I'm sure they'll be reasonable – I mean, they're a bunch of homicidal maniacs, of course they'll be reasonable!

Mefi - It is a BRILLIANT musical, isn't it? And cheers!

Isilhen Daegol - Then I'm afraid my sanity (or what's left of it) must be feared for – she and her story are all products of my mind, drawn from things I've had the misfortune to read . . . I've just distilled them into their most concentrated vileness. See, the long ride idea wouldn't be so bad if a) there was some action/reason other than letching and internal dialogues and b) the journey wasn't a two day affair!

Boromir is cool, and woefully neglected/abused in Mary Sue fics. I'm not sure where the stereotype convention came from, I've just seen it done that way somewhere before and liked it as a way of portraying maligned characters. Boromir is back to canon sanity now, don't worry. When Dafydd ran into Lisathwien he could tell it definitely wasn't Lizzie with the ring. Which meant it was a sue, pure and simple and very killable! Fangirls write the stories, Sues are the characters in the stories that cause the disruptions . . . hope that clears it up. And yes, I love long reviews!

Giri-hater - Lol, LOVE the name! And here you go, not quite ASAP but I did my best . . .

Ms Giddygoodness - Thank you – Lizzie is now back at TAMS . . . I must admit there are quite a few worlds involved, it gets a tad confusing – and Lisathwien is pure Sue now.

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DISCLAIMER – The academy, and all members of it, are mine. People mentioned in the academy and visitors to the academy are normally somebody else's, but I ask permission first, so I shouldn't get sued (in the legal sense, not the Giri sense). Middle Earth is Tolkien's and although I can't ask his permission, I can bow down in awe at his brilliance, and make a small stand against the vandals who mangle it. The mangling I am about to undertake in the name of fan fiction is Giri's work, and I apologise profusely for it. It's the stuff in italics, on the off chance you can't tell. I REALLY hope you can tell the difference . . . /Starts to panic/

Tom Lehrer is a musical genius. I am just a fan – ergo the songs and introductions I may quote in this, previous and subsequent chapters, are his work, not mine.

Scenes containing Dafydd and Selene are being co-written by their creator – this is mainly due to a) I really respect that author and enjoy his stuff - b) it keeps them in character - c) I'm not quite good enough to risk trying to write PPC agents in the field – I tried this in my Mornil ficlet and whilst it worked for what I was trying to achieve I didn't particularly think it was entirely accurate to their (the PPC's) style

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Diary of an Undercover Sue

Chapter 23 - TAMS, Saccharine sweet TAMS

Everything seems to be black. Part of me is trying to fight its way out but the other, larger, part wants to just rest for once, enveloped in this warm dark cocoon.

"Lisa" A muffled voice calls from the other side of the haze. My mind simultaneously tries to struggle towards it, and burrow further in away from it.

"Lisa" the voice is getting clearer, cutting through and dragging me back.

"Lisa"

"Thas not m'name" my voice is all mumbly but I'm still hushed instantly. I manage to prise my eyes open. The headmistress is sitting by my side, looking relieved. My head feels far too heavy for my neck as a look around.

I guess I must be in the hospital ward. There are three or four other beds, all empty and all a weird shade of "silver mint green". What I can only assume is the nurse – Elven, pencil thin waist, moonlight pale skin, spun golden hair (which chimes softly when she turns her head) and opal eyes – is fussing around one of them, straightening the sheets. As soon as she notices I'm awake she makes to come over but the headmistress holds up her hand.

"I'd like to talk to Lisa alone for a few minutes." She says firmly. The openly hostile look the nurse gives confirms that the headmistress's authority has been seriously compromised by Giri, but the nurse still leaves.

"Thank goodness!" the headmistress slumps in her seat "I was so worried about you Lizzie! They even had the gall to try and keep it hushed up that you were back, but Nicole saw them bringing you to the hospital wing and came to find me. You were unconscious for hours – they said you were like that when you were brought back but no one could come up with a convincing explanation why . . ."

That doesn't seem right. I try to remember but it's all blurry. There was the real Legolas, then the portal . . .

"I remember being pulled back" I start slowly "Giri was in the viewing room. I went for her, but some of the teachers grabbed me. Then there was a sharp jab . . ."

My hand unconsciously finds the pin prick on my arm.

"They drugged you!" The headmistress looks horrified "They must have been planning to keep you sedated in here till after . . ." her voice tails off.

"After what?"

"It's awful Lizzie! While you were in the story the teachers came to my office – the _only_ one's who weren't there were Mornil and Miss Barding, the English teacher – and handed over a petition to put Giri on the staff. The worst thing is, I couldn't even argue with them! Students have been passed or failed before getting to the end of the story before; it's been part of the rules since near the beginning and Giri behaved just as she should . . . She's being appointed tomorrow."

She's right; this is awful! But I still have the nagging feeling that something's not quite right . . .

"Did you call me Lizzie?"

She nods, and holds up a mirror. I'm me again – I mean, really me, short, mousy haired me!

"When they brought you in, they told me you'd broken loads of rules and would need to be expelled as soon as you recovered. They'd taken the liberty of de-sueifying you. I might have been surprised, but while you were in the story, I had an . . . interesting visitor. Does the name Liliac ring any bells?"

Oh dear.

"Well, she told me all about ISPCE and your real identity . . . said something about your reports indicating I was trustworthy. She somehow knew about the Giri situation and told me to tell you when you come up with a plan you have ISPCE and MEAPS at your disposal. Oh, and she says Legolasto is fine."

It takes a few minutes for it all to sink in. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you before. . ." I start guiltily, but she smiles and shakes her head.

"It's okay – if I had a boss like Liliac I'd be sticking pretty close to the rules too!"

It's really hard to believe this is the same woman who greeted me all those weeks ago . . . and if you'd told me then I'd be laughing conspiratorially with her I'd have told you you were crazier than me.

"Right" I try to marshal my thoughts "I'm assuming Liliac left some form of contact details?" The headmistress – Elizabeth, now she's in on this, I should call her by her name – nods. "Okay, I want you to make a big deal of changing your mind, and going along with the ceremony. I want EVERYONE in the school there, in the main hall."

"Okay . . ." Elizabeth sounds unsure.

"Don't worry; the story didn't addle my brain that much. I want you to get in touch with Liliac, tell her when the meeting is, and tell her to be primed for my signal. Oh, and can you tell her to invite Dafydd, Selene and any other PPC-ers who want to see Giri dead along for the ride. You should also get in contact with Mornil, Miss Barding, Nicole, Sally . . . oh, and Hannah, from my dorm. Swear them all to absolute secrecy, and let them know they'll be needed to cover the exits when we have our visitors. We need all the allies we can get . . ."

I'm getting that 'not right' feeling again. Suddenly it hits me "What happened to Platy?"

"I've no idea Lizzie – I'm sorry. I asked the teachers, but all they would say is she ran off somewhere after they brought you back."

Relief, followed by worry – at least she's not stuck in Middle Earth, but if she's vanished somewhere in TAMS it could be as bad . . .

"Ask the others when you get in contact, please?" I stifle a yawn – the sedative is obviously still in my system.

Elizabeth nods, and gets up "Get some rest Lizzie – I'll contact everybody, and you can talk to them all later this evening in my office."

I mumble thanks, but I'm already drifting off into a dreamless sleep.

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"Listen, sweetheart, you come one step closer with that needle and I'll make you regret the day you ever put on that _ridiculous_ uniform . . ."

I'd recognise that voice anywhere. Opening my eyes, I'm proved right.

"Platy!" She's sitting on my chest, glaring at the nurse, who's trembling at being threatened by a duck billed platypus.

She looks down at me and grins "Afternoon, sleeping beauty. Must say, it's nice to see you back to normal . . . well, normal ish."

I poke my tongue out "Nice to see you safe and sound too."

"Ah, you know us field agents, tough as dragon scales!" she turns back to glare at the nurse "You have to the count of ten to leave."

It takes her three.

"I crashed at Mornil's – he said a friend of yours was a friend of his . . . not a bad looker him, either!" She dodges my swipe to her head, grinning "The headmistress came down to the hut – she's not bad, for the crazy in charge of this place – and told me you'd recovered. She also told me to tell you the meeting's at seven."

A glance at the clock tells me it's quarter to now. I slide out of the bed and take advantage of the inexplicable full length mirror to check I'm all normal. I'm even back in the jeans and t-shirt (one by one the penguins steal my sanity) I was wearing before all of this started. Excellent!

The nurse flinches as we walk down the corridor past her. "You know, I think you might have scarred her for life" I say to Platy.

"Do you really think so?" she beams at the thought.

(A/N) As you might have guessed, this is drawing to its natural conclusion . . . a few more chapters and then I think I'll have dragged this as far as I possibly can . . . Sorry this chapter was quite short, bit of a struggle to write it. Again, update may take a while, especially since University exams fast approach even as I try and hide from them. Hugs all around.


	24. Plans

Diary of an Undercover Sue

* * *

DISCLAIMER – The academy, and all members of it, are mine. People mentioned in the academy and visitors to the academy are normally somebody else's, (but I ask permission first, so I shouldn't get sued (in the legal sense, not the Giri sense)). Middle-earth is Tolkien's and although I can't ask his permission, I can bow down in awe at his brilliance, and make a small stand against the vandals who mangle it. Any mangling I do is purely unintentional, and I apologise profusely.

Tom Lehrer is a musical genius. I am just a fan – ergo the songs and introductions I may quote in this, previous and subsequent chapters, are his work, not mine.

Wicked is a fantastic musical that I claim no rights to, only deep love.

Scenes containing Dafydd and Selene are being, at the very least, run past their creator first.

* * *

Chapter 24 - Plans.

It takes some sneaking to make it to the headmistress's office without the staff following me, but I think I have them convinced I've left the academy; the front door slammed satisfyingly anyway.

The headmistress – Elizabeth - looks at the clock. "Five minutes till people are due to arrive – can I go change?" She tugs at the tight yet obscenely low cut neckline of her dress. "I think I'll go crazy if I keep this on for much longer!"

I laugh and nod "No one else is here yet, so as long as you don't mind leaving me in charge…"

"Go nuts!" Elizabeth looks round the room and grimaces. "As soon as this is over, I'm redecorating. If I stay on, anyway." She walks to the door, then stops and fishes in her pocket (How a dress like that has pockets, I'll never know!). "I forgot – a "dwarf blown crystal ball" one of the Sue's smuggled out of a fanfic – I haven't had any luck breaking it, thought you'd like a try."

She throws it to me, and I give it a quick bounce against the desk. It's pretty enough, in a fundamentally vapid kind of way, and remarkably solid for a glass bubble that really shouldn't exist. If I can't work out how to break it, I might just keep it for a souvenir.

"Thanks. I'll see what I can do."

Elizabeth leaves the office, and I sit down at the desk. Already my mind is in overdrive, testing ideas and forming theories.

"Lizzie?" Platy has climbed onto the desk, and is looking at me with a gleam in her eye.

"Yes Platy?"

"She – the headmistress - just said…"

"Elizabeth's her name; did you know that, she's got the same name as me?"

"Very nice… well, Elizabeth just said we could go nuts, didn't she?"

"Yeah?"

"Well . . . why aren't we?"

Good question. Five minutes later and we've dismantled the crystal chandelier (smashed it), the antique wooden globe (smashed it), the statues of what I suppose are MEANT to be the muses (smashed them) and Platy is bouncing the Dwarf blown crystal ball (not smashed).

We've left the desk alone; since Elizabeth rewrote it, it's actually quite a nice piece of furniture, and the chair she's got is really comfy too. There's a few knick-knacks scattered across the surface; a very pretty dagger, some old maps of Middle Earth, and a few framed pictures. One in particular catches my eye; it's the same girl from the photograph on the wall, but smartly dressed. From the background, I'd guess it was taken at a party. She's arm in arm with another girl about the same age – blondish, kind of unremarkable but for the look of mischief in her eye - and they're both laughing.

Elizabeth comes in, looking a lot more comfortable in a wool sweater and jeans.

"You don't know how GOOD this feels! Well, actually, you probably…" She sees me looking at the photograph. She smiles softly and picks it up. "My best friend – Carrie – and me. That was her birthday, just before we caused havoc by taking over the DJ's system and making everybody dance to the Birdie song." She looks… wistful, I suppose.

Looking for something positive to say, I nod to the other picture on the wall. "So that IS you in the football photo then? I did wonder…"

"Yeah!" her face lights up "School Player of the year, and we didn't even have an official girls team!" She sighs and puts the photo down "I miss being me."

I move out the way so she can have her seat back. As we pass I give her a small hug. "It won't be too long Elizabeth. I have, to sound not a little corny – and I'm probably repeating myself – a cunning plan."

She laughs just as Sally and Nicole come in. They look slightly goggle eyed to see her in her casuals, and more so at this new version of me.

"Hey guys. . ."

Searching for words, the only ones that are important find their way to my lips "I'm sorry. I should have told you that I wasn't who I was pretending to be… I didn't mean to lie to you."

Nicole walks over and hugs me "Don't be silly . . . the headmistress told us you've been undercover when she asked us to come to this meeting. I'm still a bit foggy on the details, but I think I understand enough to see why you did it."

Sally is still holding back.

"We cool?" I ask her, trying to remain calm. . . Sally is amazingly cool, and if I've mucked this up by not trusting her . . .

She hesitates, and nods. "Yeah, I guess. . . this is all going to take some major explaining though!"

"As soon as we're done with Giri, there'll be all the time in the world."

"Ooo, we're getting Giri? Excellent!" she immediately loosens up, and comes to sit by the desk.

I can feel my eyes start to prickle, and I turn away before anyone thinks that I'm crying. There's still a lot to do before this is over, and I need to hold it together. As soon as everyone is here, we can finally start to DO something about this…

-o-o-o-

I look at the clock again. It's now four o'clock in the morning; eight hours of introductions, apologies, confessions, and planning… it feels more like eight years since I left the hospital ward.

Liliac, Dafydd and Selene have been arguing logistics of converting TAMS into something more canon friendly for at least half an hour now, with Mornil making suggestions, and Elizabeth - it's still strange to think of her as Elizabeth, rather than the headmistress, or the Barbie Clone – offering insider knowledge of the school. Miss Barding has nodded off in the corner; I would wake her, but there doesn't seem any point to interrupting her sleep for this.

Nicole and Sally stifle yawns; I'm glad they're both here. They relaxed around the others fairly quickly, and soon got involved with the discussions. Hannah too, for all that she's still not completely sure of the situation, and keeps darting worried glances in Liliac's direction.

"Lizzie." Platy looks up at me. "What more do you think we need to cover?"

I stare at the desk, the plans of the school's main hall, the notes and the scrawled diagrams. Theories, plans, hypotheticals… this is my job. This is what I was, before this place. And now…

"Nothing."

The room goes silent as everyone turns to look at me. The shock of the cessation of noise even wakes Miss Barding up.

"Nothing? Lizzie, what do you mean?" Nicole asks, looking confused.

"Exactly that. We've covered what we're going to do tomorrow. We all know our positions; we know who will cover who… we've been over that again and again. What comes next, what happens to this school afterwards…"

I stand, looking around the room at them all. "Well, that comes tomorrow, when we have fought our battle and won; then we can begin to craft something new - something good, and pure - from the remains of this. But first we have to have that victory in our grasp, and no amount of talking or planning will win this for us. Only action."

I jab my finger at the plans on the desk. "Only by rising up and saying 'No more' to the bad fan-fiction, no more mangling of canon, no more lazy self inserts… only then will we be able to imagine a world where authors can be appreciated for the richness of what they created, and not just the opportunities for lust objects and ready-made settings. Until then, plans and words and ideas… they change nothing. Only action can do that."

Silence hangs in the air for a few moments, broken by Liliac leaning over to Dafydd.

"Remind me to give her a raise when this is done. Inspirational speeches merit a new pay bracket, don't you think?"

I swallow a grin. "Right - I think, if we're agreed, that sleep is in order. We need to be as fresh and alert as we can be for tomorrow. Liliac, Dafydd, Selene… you'll bring the reinforcements we discussed?"

They all nod and stand, stretching out the kinks in stiff arms and necks.

"Wait, before you go…" An unwelcome thought has just occurred to me, and as much as I'd like to forget it, I can't.

Everyone turns back to look at me.

"I know what I'm about to say is going to be unpopular. I don't like it myself, but the thing is… everyone needs to be aware that we can't harm any of the students. They're fan girls, not 'Sues. They're real people, with real lives. We can't… we have to let them go."

There are a few confused nods. They haven't realised yet. They haven't made the connection…

"Fork!" Platy stares at me in horror. "You mean Giri too, don't you?"

"Yes."

Immediately there's shouting as people try to argue, but I hold up my hand.

"What she's done… I'd love to see her punished for it. But we don't have that authority. We can't do that."

"There must be something we can do…" Nicole looks around at Dafydd, at Selene and at Liliac.

None of them meet her eye.

"Lizzie is right." Dafydd is the first to speak up. "There may be something we can do eventually, some loop hole or bylaw that relates to this, that will allow us to enforce some kind of punishment… but I don't know it if there is one, and we can't harm real people. That's not what we do."

Silence settles over the room.

"That doesn't mean that we can't do anything." I try and put some cheer into my voice, to lift the mood. "Any of the teachers who are Sues rather than converted fan girls are fair game!"

It falls flat though, and people are quiet as they prepare to leave.

"Try not to get into any more trouble before we get back, okay?" Dafydd walks around the desk and touches my arm briefly.

I squeeze his hand in thanks. "You know me. No promises."

He smiles sadly, and activates the portal.

I watch him, Selene, and Liliac step through and vanish, before turning to Hannah, Sally, Nicole, Mornil and Miss Barding. "You know what you have to do tomorrow? We can't really have any contact with each other from now on, not if we don't want them to suspect anything."

"We've got it, Lisa… Lizzie." Nicole shakes her head, smiling wryly. "Still getting used to that."

"Yeah, I'm not sure I completely get this still… but, you'll explain it all again, once it's over?" Sally rubs her hand across her face, fighting back a yawn.

"I promise. I'll even see if I can get a tour arranged of the place I work, so you can see how it all fits in." I nod in the direction of the door. "Now, go, sleep."

Elizabeth waits until they've gone, and the door has closed, before she speaks. "Are you okay?"

"I'll cope. It's better if I don't think about it too much." I bend down to pick up Platy, trying to keep my face calm.

Rage, hurt, frustrated vengeance, the desire for closure… I'm far from okay, but I know that there's very little in the way of alternatives.

Elizabeth doesn't argue, just nods and goes to the door, checking the corridor outside.

"You can sleep in my room tonight, so the other members of staff don't know you're here. Come on; it's going to be a big day tomorrow."

She can say that again…

* * *

A/N – I apologise for the long, long gap between the last update and this. But recently, I realised what a shame it was that I never quite finished it, and the story has slowly been gnawing away at the back of my mind…

I won't be doing individual reviewer replies for these last few chapters; I want to make sure I get the story finished, and will be putting my energy into that.

To all of you who have been waiting eight years to see how this goes; I'm sorry it's taken me so long. But, I'm back, and here comes the finale. I hope the end of the ride will be worth it.


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